This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Advice needed to help SD7 please(7 Posts)
My heart is just breaking for SD
I posted last week about how SD mum moved without telling DP, and all the issues we’ve been having for the past couple of years with changing the routine.
My SD has not handled this move well at all.
She’s been angry for a long time, and would never open up. Now she has started to. She’s the most upset and angry we’ve ever seen her. The past couple of times we have seen her, she’s literally melting down.
We have 2 issues here. One is the routine we have. We were correct in thinking SD does not have enough quality time with her dad. She really wants more weekend time with him. The second issue is her mum moving away. I know 20 miles doesn’t seem terrible, but it’s adding a lot of stress onto SD.
Currently, whilst with her mum for half of the school week, SD is in breakfast club at 8 and after school club until 6. She already hates it and is tired. Now she’s so worried over the extra time to get to school. 45 minutes, there and back. She’s leaving at 7:15am.
She’s also living in another mans house (her mums bf who she’s been seeing for 7 months), who also has a male lodger she hardly knows, had all her furniture sold as the bf house is furnished, and she feels uncomfortable and lost.
She now has to travel further to see her dad, and she’s so angry, saying “why do you have to make my life so hard?” DP has tried everything he can to give her a settled life. We moved really close to her school, are trying so hard to get a better routine for her, but she sees it as we live so far away from her mum.
During talks, SD said she wants 1 week here and 1 week with her mum alternating. She said she would find that much easier. My personal feeling is she needs something much simpler, (she’s not been settled for years with 7 house moves in 4 years, and her mum changing boyfriends and jobs like there’s no tomorrow). We really want to give her that routine, pick her up from school on a Friday and have her until the following Friday, dropping off at school. We feel she will be more relaxed, and she won’t have the weekend travelling and handovers.
As I mentioned in my last post, there have been arguments between DP and his ex and ages always refused to let him have more weekend tome. She’s offered 1 weekend a month, but wants 2 weeknights back which worries SD. We are reluctant to agree as SD will face more travelling and breakfast clubs.
DP has tried to talk to his ex, and explain how upset SD is but she’s not interested. I think she thinks it’s him with the issue. He’s asked if she could think about the 1 week on and off and she’s refusing to, even though SD has said she wants that to her too.
We feel in an impossible situation. We are trying to reassure her and make her feel safe as possible, but what on earth do we do? Do we accept this 1 weekend a month, or take it further? We don’t want to cause SD more upset, but she wants more quality time with her dad, less travelling and a less complicated routine. Help
I would go for 50/50. Poor girl must be in a constant spin with her mum moving in with each bf
I read your last thread, I'd take it to mediation/court and get her as much as you can. Her mum doesn't seem to be able to put her first.
You have no choice but to go to mediation and if needed court. You are putting her needs first before your own and deserve so much credit for that. If it does progress to court CAFCASS will be involved and although she is not old enough to make her own choice she should be old enough to have her opinion listened to. Also in your DPs shoes I would be very uncomfortable having my DD live with a strange man (lodger) and that needs raising and addressing. The DD is so lucky to have you.
Thank you for your replies.
DP went to his first alone appointment last week but his ex refuses to go, saying it’s a waste of time
It's good that she didn't turn up, will make him look far better if it goes to court. Hes trying, she isnt. Poor girl, hope it works out at some point x
Rule number 1 of parenthood IMO - always remember that your child is an individual and unique human being and not an extension of or property of either parent.
This idiotic woman thinks because she’s getting some cock her child should be happy too. Sorry to be crude but that’s what it boils down to. She seems to have no regard for DSDs feelings and needs as a human being. Her “routine” and living arrangements would have most fully grown adults in a flux and uncomfortable, never mind a vulnerable young child.
Take it as far as is necessary OP. The wee one needs to know someone will always be in her corner