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What do your step children call you?

(49 Posts)
SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sat 29-Feb-20 12:09:18

I have 2 DC with exH. We’ve been divorced 5 years ago. He’s been married for a couple of years to a lovely woman who my DC adore. She’s brilliant with them and I’m glad she’s in their life.

ExH was abusive and last year I had to go through court to stop him from continuing the abuse. Since then he’s kept to the word of the court order but has been finding other ways to prod me. One of them is telling the DC that they must call his wife ‘mum’, whereas previously they called her by her first name.

I find it very hurtful when they come home from their weekends with exH and his new family and talk about what they did with ‘mum’ or are asking about her on the phone. I’ve already got through the stage of them talking about having two mummies or their new mummy or their other mummy and just smiled and told them how lucky they were to have such a lovely step mummy, but this is for the long term. I’m just wondering how big of a deal it actually is before I tackle it. What do you step DC call you?

OP’s posts: |
Lllot5 Sat 29-Feb-20 12:10:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lllot5 Sat 29-Feb-20 12:11:53

Ok seriously there is absolutely no fucking way mine would call another woman mum.
I wouldn’t send them.

Amrythings Sat 29-Feb-20 12:17:50

My name. Or "Want tea?" And if before 8am, "argh". But she's 17 and she was 12 when we got together.

Also, she might be with us full time, but she's got a mum! Not my job to be mum. My job is to buy massive quantities of fruit and occasionally roar at her about why all the mugs are in her room and ask what in the name of God she's doing letting the baby rub Weetabix in both their hairs.

ErrrNo Sat 29-Feb-20 12:18:43

How old are your children?

Do you speak to your exh's new partner? Is it feasible for you to ask her to insist the children don't call her mum?

I think I'd be tempted to bite my lip and hope it passes. I would absolutely hate it but he's trying to press your buttons by the sounds of it

Are your children happy going to see him and calling SM 'mum'?

NorthernSpirit Sat 29-Feb-20 12:26:49

I don’t think stabbing someone or stopping contact is the answer!

Sit the children down and explain to them they only have one mum, that’s you and they should refer to their step mum by her name.

I have 2 DSC - I’m referred to by my name and their mum calls me ‘her’.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 29-Feb-20 12:33:55

My name.

I have a friend who makes her son call his step dad dad and it’s really weird. His dad is pretty useless but he’s very much in the picture. We’ve had odd discussions where he’ll talk about something he did with mum and dad, before he saw dad.

frazzledasarock Sat 29-Feb-20 12:38:14

Try not to let it get to you. he’s only doing it to upset you and carry on his abuse.

Eventually the children will decide for themselves what they’re happy calling her.

At home I’d just keep saying I’m your mum new wife is (whatever her name is).

Don’t engage with your ex over it. You know he’s doing it to hurt you and get a reaction out of you. Don’t give it.

LatentPhase Sat 29-Feb-20 12:51:07

Crikey, that’s hard. He has found a way to really get to you.

Obviously this is a million miles out of order. But yours is a very complicated situation.

Therefore my suggestion is:

Rise above this bollox.

Be happy this is all he can do to get to you. Your kids are happy, they have a great step mum. The fact that he has to stoop to this level says everything about him and nothing about you.

LatentPhase Sat 29-Feb-20 12:52:29

Stabbing him would be more immediately satisfying.

But rising above it more practical & probably better.

rockinnana Sat 29-Feb-20 12:54:57

Current one calls me by name, previous ones sometimes by name and sometimes Mum, but it was entirely his choice and he was a 15 year old boy with whom I was close. In fact I still miss him dreadfully really.
If only his father could have kept it in his trousers!

KylieKoKo Sat 29-Feb-20 12:57:19

My name. However I think that telling the children not to puts them in an awkward positon if their dad is telling them they have to. What do the children want to call her?

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sat 29-Feb-20 13:51:28

I had a chat with the DC and explained that I was their mum and SM was <name>, that we loved them and I was glad that they have such a lovely SM but a mum is a very special thing and they only have one. That was fine but now they catch themselves when they’re talking to me about what they’ve done sad I don’t want to make things difficult for them by making them feel they’re caught between me and their dad.

OP’s posts: |
Kimbo180 Sat 29-Feb-20 16:48:39

So im a step mother to a 7 year old shes in my life since she 2. I actually hate the word stepmother smileAnyway last year she went true the questioning stage. Are u and daddy in love. Are u daddy girlfriend..are yous goin to.get married. Are you goin to have any more kids ... answer was no to the last two... then she says are u my step mother.. i said il treat you like my own but youl only ever have one mother and one father..... and for every step mother out there that thinks it is fine for small children to call them mum is disgracful

Espoleta Sat 29-Feb-20 16:54:17

As a mum and a step mum I cannot comprehend why the SM is allowing this.

My daughter mostly calls me by my first name due to that’s what DSS call me and it upsets me occasionally that she doesn’t call me mummy a lot. Do you think that could be it?

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sat 29-Feb-20 17:24:53

@Espoleta I’m not placing any blame on the SM. She’s just become a mum herself and given that exH’s abuse ramped up with a baby then I worry about her.

OP’s posts: |
Betterversionofme Sat 29-Feb-20 17:31:42

By my name. I think it would be rude towards their mum otherwise.

JoanieCash Sat 29-Feb-20 17:36:23

I think rise above it too. He’s trying to poke you, don’t let him succeed. The kids will decide later. As you say, she’s at risk of being abused. You don’t know if she’s tried to stop it alreadt

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sat 29-Feb-20 18:19:09

Ok, rise above it and let the kids decide what they want to do. I’ll just put it as evidence in the application to renew the non-molestation order later in the year.

OP’s posts: |
Redannie118 Sat 29-Feb-20 18:23:33

Im a step mum to a DSD who we have had primary custody for 10 years and i wouldnt dream of having her calling me mum ! She has a mum who loves her . Shes 19 now but still calls me a pet name based on my actual name.
I agree with pp- be glad stepmum is nice and ignore ignore ignore. It will drive him insane if he thinks he cant wind you up, and thats the best revenge

Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong Sun 01-Mar-20 09:03:29

By my name. I wouldn't want anything else. They have a mum, I don't want to be that person.

It is not the step mother's fault this is happening, it is entirely your ex. Don't blame step mums for everything in life.

Hopingtobeamum Sun 01-Mar-20 09:32:12

My SC call me by my name. As much as I love them, they have a great mum and it's not me. It would be weird to be called mum. I'm their stepm mum as I married their dad
Happy if they reference me as SM to others (just for ease of explanation if nothing else) but I'm me.
I totally understand why you feel hurt, that's awful. Sending big hugs x

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sun 01-Mar-20 09:37:10

@Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong I’ve explicitly said that it’s entirely my ex and not the SM at fault here confused

OP’s posts: |
user1493413286 Sun 01-Mar-20 12:33:44

Just wanted to say I’m sorry your ex is such an arse; my DSD calls me by my name and I wouldn’t want her to call me mum as she already has a mum and I’m not trying to fill that role

JonesyK Sun 01-Mar-20 16:23:35

My stepson calls me by my name. There is no bio mum

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