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Step-parenting

AIBU to not want to take the kids abroad during the summer holidays?

18 replies

JuniperNet · 27/02/2020 11:19

Husband has DC from previous relationship. We have never taken them abroad and I know this is something DH really wants to do.

We haven't been abroad ourselves apart from 2 years ago during a family emergency we went out to spain for a couple of days (family live there) and so wasn't really a holiday (and wasn't during DHs contact time otherwise he wouldn't have come).

We feel bad as their mother takes them away most years abroad.

However, this year we are finally managing to build up some savings and are trying to buy our first house. DH has been talking about just using some of it to take them abroad in the holidays this year however I don't think we should. It's took us a long time to get the amount together we have so far, just because of varying issues to do with health, jobs, him starting as self employed and I don't want to just splash over a grand of it on a holiday. Surely getting on the ladder is more important?

The way things are going now, we realistically should be able to afford more things like holidays etc... In the near future, his work is going well, mine is a lot more stable now etc...

It's not that we don't take them anywhere, we have relatives in a nice spot of England and we go there for a week or two in the holidays and they love it, close by to the beach, lots of land and things to do.

AIBU to say I don't want to spend our savings on this and want to carry on concentrating on getting a house first. And maybe look to do this next year if things are a bit better financially (which hopefully they should be).

I've been looking online to see if I can get anything a bit cheaper but during the holidays it's just ridiculous as I'm sure a lot of you will know. Even just going and staying with my family in Spain would cost us £1000 in flights.

I feel bad because obviously it's not just my money but it's obviously ten times more expensive because of the children's school holidays and I don't want to use my money on that at the moment.

OP posts:

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AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2020 11:26

Does he believe you’ll make it a priority in the future? If not, and there will always be reasons that make a holiday - undeniably a luxury - less important than something else, then you can see why he wants to splash out on doing sometime amazing with his children now he can afford to.

I’d personally focus on house buying as long as you’re already getting quality time with them on holidays in this country. Holidays abroad aren’t a right. They’re having them with their mum already. Stable housing benefits the DC whether or not they appreciate it. But you need to both talk openly and listen to what the other has to say.

When you started saving what did you agree it would go towards?

JuniperNet · 27/02/2020 11:49

When you started saving what did you agree it would go towards?

A house. It was always meant to be towards a house, that's why we opened the joint savings account etc...

I absolutely would go on holiday in the future and commit to doing so. I'm not stingey when it comes to spending money on the kids at all, we always split things equally, days out, food, bills, the holidays we do have here in the UK etc...

OP posts:

Tyersal · 27/02/2020 12:14

Do you want to go on holiday abroad with him and his kids?

funinthesun19 · 27/02/2020 12:15

Yanbu! Holidays abroad are lovely but his children aren’t automatically entitled to them just because you can afford them. Their mum takes them away anyway so it’s not like they’re not going away.
Holidays in the UK are just as lovely and they’ll have a great time!

Frenchw1fe · 27/02/2020 12:19

If the dc enjoy their UK holidays then why go abroad. It's not for them it's so your dh can say he's taken them. Another year won't harm.
Why not open another savings account for holidays? Then see how much is in the pot.

loststarling · 27/02/2020 12:53

YANBU. You and DH agreed a priority and he now wants to change that. What's the sudden urgency? Can't help feeling that he wants this in order to salve his own guilt or to compete with the other parent. SC already have foreign holidays (a privilege some children never get) but HE wants to be the one to provide it and wants you to help pay.

I would want housing to be a priority too, in your shoes. We are saving for a house and I wouldn't splash out on luxuries for myself or my DD or my DSC whilst we are all crammed into a couple of bedrooms with no living space. Priorities!

zafferana · 27/02/2020 13:08

YANBU I don't understand why some people fixate on holidays abroad, as opposed to ones in this country - they're both holidays and going somewhere in the UK is often just as good and a lot less hassle/expense. Besides, if the DC go abroad with their DM it's not like they've never been. If you've saved for a house, then the money should go on a house.

Flutteringsatlast · 27/02/2020 13:10

Corona virus is a great reason to not go this year imo!
Does he just want to outdo his ex maybe? A holiday is a holiday. Crossing water don't make it more special!

KylieKoKo · 27/02/2020 13:13

Could a compromise be that if you price up a holiday in the UK and get him to find one that costs the same abroad? If he can find it go but if not then do a UK one. If he wants to go then he can do the research and find something suitable and in budget.

You having a stable home will benefit the kids more in the long-run than a holiday anyway.

JuniperNet · 27/02/2020 13:30

Do you want to go on holiday abroad with him and his kids?

Yes absolutely but not at the expense of our savings (or some of them anyway) which we have already dedicated to a house.

Could a compromise be that if you price up a holiday in the UK and get him to find one that costs the same abroad?

The problem is, we stay with family in the UK, they live in a holiday spot. So it essentially costs us petrol and that's it (and obviously activities etc...). But no where near as much as if we weren't staying with family.

OP posts:

UpToonGirl · 27/02/2020 13:42

For me it would depend on how long it's realistically going to take to save for a house (not forgetting it can be expensive in the first year furnishing/sorting issues that you weren't aware of with the house).

If you save hard and can afford a house in 1 - 2 years then I would say concentrate on that. If you're talking more like 3 - 4 years plus I would look at holidays but agree on only one holiday between now and buying, get your DH on board that he wouldn't expect it every year.

I am going to be that person though....I would not be booking a holiday for this summer until we know more about Corona! Not because I'm scared of catching it (although I wouldn't want to) but because if you get caught and get quarantined/flight delays/holiday cancelled it would be worse if it's something you've both built up in your minds.

Beamur · 27/02/2020 13:46

I agree with you.
No reason for a holiday abroad to be considered better than one at home.
My DSC's got to go to some amazing places with their Mum, while we took them camping in Wales
Kids enjoyed both. It's the time and what you do with it that matters.

GaraMedouar · 27/02/2020 13:51

Holidays in the UK are great. Also this year I wouldn’t be booking abroad now, not until the Coronavirus has settled.

HillAreas · 27/02/2020 14:26

So for the sake of his DC getting a second foreign holiday this year, he wants to delay your hopes of owing your own home?
There are not enough eye rolls in the world for this

Magda72 · 27/02/2020 14:35

I'm with @HillAreas on this.
Also - you say you split things equally between you for the kids. Why? They have a mum & dad. Why are you expected to contribute? Don't mean that in a rude way & maybe I picked you up incorrectly.

loststarling · 27/02/2020 15:07

Fair point @Magda72. When we have taken his kids away anywhere, or done a special treat activity, my DP has always assumed he will pay their share - or at least pay more than half. The two parents alternate paying for their (sometimes pricey) birthday days out, etc. I don't personally mind covering half of household bills, but luxuries are another thing. If you have joint finances though I suppose it's hard to separate?

Branleuse · 27/02/2020 15:56

would you compromise and go abroad in the may holiday or october half term? its much cheaper

strawberrylipgloss · 28/02/2020 15:18

I was ready to say Yabu based on the title but your explanation gets a big fat yanbu from me. You're not saying never and getting the house sorted first is a good idea.

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