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Holidays with kids and ex - discuss(106 Posts)
Maybe this is an AIBU post but putting it here for expertise in this forum.
Me: nasty divorce and poor ongoing communications with ex husband
Him: very amicable relationship with ex wife
His children have asked that their mother come skiing with them and him in the Easter holidays . Needless to say I’m less than thrilled.
Would like to hear from all sides and from those who may have a situation where there is heavy involvement with the ex partner.
How long have you been together? Do you live together? Have they ever gone on holidays together since separating?
If you haven't been together long, it's understandable that you would feel very insecure with this set-up, but if it's something they've done for some time, it's more difficult to impose that it should stop.
If you've been together for a few years, living together, and this is a one off, it's an obvious 'are you mad?'
Together three years, we do not live together and we each holiday with our own kids. We do not blend the kids.
They normally celebrate special days together, like going out for a meal with the kids and grandparents but this is the first holiday situation.
PS - this is not about me expecting that I should have been invited instead.
If they are all fairly reasonable people and generally nice to you as well, why not! His kids will be in his life forever and skiing was probably an annual family holiday that was a big part of their lives.
It falls a bit in between traditional set up. At 3 years together, you would normally have blended more and the doing things together would have stopped by now.
I can't imagine anyone being thrilled about this arrangement but whether it's ok to demand that it doesn't happen, not sure. How do you think he would react? How old are the kids?
How does he feel about this? What about the children's mum? There is a leap from having a meal with your ex, which most people suck up on occasion for the sake of the kids, and going on holiday together. On limited annual leave and limited funds, most people wouldn't want to (unless the kids are really hard work, but skiing suggests able bodied and not tiny). I'd stay out of it, you don't want to be the wicked stepmother in the kids eyes. I'd be surprised if it actually happens though.
Nope. I would not like this one bit
You don't live together, your respective children don't mix, they have a good relationship with their mum. He's taking his dcs skiing and they want their mum to go with them. You're not going. Is that right?
I'd point out to your boyfriend that it feels weird but ultimately he will do what he wants. It would be a deal breaker for me though.
I wouldn't be happy about that. The kids need to accept that Mum and Dad are no longer together and that means no more holidays with Mum and Dad together. They can go skiing with their Mum or with their Dad.
If you agree, it won't end with this holiday. In a few months they'll want Mum to join the summer holiday too.
In my opinion getting into a relationship when you have kids means no longer having the freedom to take the piss when it comes to that person's boundaries. That may mean he has to say no to his kids on occasions when he might previously have said yes, because he also has a partner to respect, and if he doesn't want to do that then he should stay single.
If you are not comfortable with this then he should respect that. I wouldn't be ok with it either.
I agree. Does it not just set a precedent then for all future holidays to include mum because 'she came skiing that time'.
Maybe I'm biased though because I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday with my ex and I know my DH certainly wouldn't agree to this with his ex either even though they get on amicably.
I personally don't think things like this are a good idea. What happens in another three years if you decide to move in together and blend your families? Is mum coming on your joint holidays? Will that then cause resentment as if you're the reason mum and dad don't holiday together anymore. There's just far too much room for confusion and issues later on imo.
I personally would say no (if I were your DP). The odd meal together or whatever wouldn't bother me, but big holidays? No. I think it's confusing for everyone involved and has potential to become a much bigger issue in the future. Children don't always need what they want, it's our role as parents to decide what's best for them whether it's what they would like or not.
It would be a no from me. You don't feel good about it, so your partner of 3 years needs to respect that In my opinion. I will say though, that after that amount of time together I would have thought you would have blended your families more.
What age are the kids? And is your dp contemplating it?
For me it would be an absolute no.
I am firmly in the camp that post divorce civility between parents is in the best interests of the kids.
I'm also firmly of the believe that along with that civility comes very clear boundaries that the children now have two families. Yes this is hard for them initially but if those boundaries are not there the children still live in the hope & fantasy that their parents are still together or may get back together & this makes it possible for either children or adults to move on. Joint holidays only fuel this fantasy - other holiday makers, hotel staff etc. will see the family as an intact unit which is exactly what the kids (be it consciously or subconsciously) want.
Also - Depending on the age of these children I think their suggestion that their dm come along is grossly insulting to both you & their dm's partner if she has one as you have been with their father for 3 years, not 3 months! If they're small kids they probably won't realise how rude they're being but if teens or older they should have the cop on to know better.
Impossible not possible!
Aaaghh - typos!
He's put you in a no win situation by not just shutting it down when asked. A celebration meal is a long way from a holiday.
You are now cast in the role of having to be the 'cool girlfriend' who is super ok with everything, or the wicked stepmother who is spoiling the kids fun.
It would be a swift fuck off from me.
If you’re still not living together after 3 years and making no attempt to blend the families it sounds more of a casual arrangement between you both anyway. So why should it really concern you what he does?
It’s nice that they can maintain an amicable arrangement for the kids & go skiing together.
Magda72 has it spot on. It's just confusing for the children, and leads to future uncertainty.
How old are the children? After 3 years they should be accepting that their mum and dad are no longer together, and that means no living together, no holidays etc. I wouldn't do this myself in case it confused the children and gave them hopes that mum and dad might get together again.
Is your DP contemplating inviting his ex?
it'd be a no from me.
Its great they're civil, but some things have to stop on divorce. Family holidays being one of them.
I also think its confusing to children when there are no firm lines drawn to be honest.
I imagine this will start off a "mummy and daddy are getting back together" thought process for the kids. Its not healthy.
We are not living together and blending the families because of two reasons: my horrendous divorce and my own dcs have had a horrible time with going through that and distance as we live a way apart and someone would have to move, ie schools etc.
All the children involved are teens. They have all met and we both spend weekends with each other’s kids but we don’t hang out all of us when we both have the kids, if that makes sense.
Did he ask if you were OK with it? Because it's a bit shitty to put it on you to be the one who has to say no if you're not comfortable.
This would be a no from me, and also could be a sign that dad should have a sensitive chat with his DC... I'd wonder what is behind their request and how they are feeling about the current state of affairs. Have they accepted the split is permanent. Etc.
Out of interest do you ever see yourself going on a holiday with DP's kids or vice versa? Or do you both just do single parent holidays?
I would say it's different because you have lead separate lives and havent blended families or live together.