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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Advice pls

14 replies

floss1547 · 21/02/2020 08:56

Hi, I'm 17 weeks pregnant and still living at home due to my ex boyfriend kicking me out of the house we had together. Im looking for a new home but in the mean time Im living with my dad and stepmom. I'm so grateful that they've let me stay here with them until I've found somewhere but I'm starting to feel like my stepmom has doesn't like the fact im pregnant or getting along so well with my dad. She's constantly nagging him and bitching about me to him. Me and my dad went to the shop and I had my own basket full of stuff and my dad said he'd buy them, I told him it'd come to a tenner and I said I'd pay for them but he insisted. The next day my step mum must've looked at the receipt and realised that he had bought my stuff and she absolutely flipped but when it comes to her kids (who are much older than me) she buys them everything, brand new clothes, taxis everywhere, whatever food they want etc and it just annoys me. She moans when my dad picks me up from work on a Friday night as all my buses to where I live stop after a certain time and taxis are £10 so my dad offers to pick me up but whenever her kids come over she expects my dad to pick them up and drop them off or she buys their taxis. Even though her kids swear at her, talk to her like absolute shit and are horrible to her she still treats them like the world and treats me horrible even though I have never said a bad word to her while I've been living here. She moans if I've left a pan to soak or if I've left my coat on a chair but if you go into the kitchen, all her stuff is everywhere. She just doesn't stop moaning and bitching about me. I've got my gender reveal soon and none of my family have done anything to help with it but when it was my stepsisters gender reveal she was spending all sorts of money on her and buying the buffet food but won't allow my dad to help. She says I have to buy everything myself even if my dad offers and I'm just fed up with her. I don't expect them to buy me stuff but they know money has been tight this month due to work so a little bit of help with my gender reveal buffet would be nice as everyone else in the family gets help apart from me because of her. She's constantly starting arguments with my dad over me and I feel like I can never please her. I was very hormonal during my first trimester and there was this one time I was in the car with my dad coming back from work together and on way to pick her up. We picked her up and as soon as she got to the car she opened the front passenger seat where I was sat and threw my bag on the street and told me to get in the back. I refused jokingly and said we've only got a 2 mins drive from home so just sit in the back and she refused and undid my seatbelt and pulled me out. We got home and I went to my room and stayed there all night cos my emotions were bad and she knew how hormonal I was and I just burst out crying. Sorry it's so long, just needed a bit of a rant x

OP posts:

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aSofaNearYou · 21/02/2020 11:08

Wow, that last part about pulling you out of the car is incredibly rude. If I were you I don't think I could live there. Do you have any other options? Mum, friends?

There are many different reasons she could be acting like she is.

She could (rightly or wrongly) feel that you are spending too much money on frivolous things and as a result your dad is doing the same on your behalf.

She could resent the lack of personal space with you moving back in.

She could be feeling insecure about her husband having a grandchild that isn't related to her and taking it out on you.

None of those things really excuse her behaviour, though, because as you say there are massive double standards with how she is towards her own children, and it just sounds plain nasty.

One thing I will say though (which I imagine lots of people will echo because they are not popular on MN) is you do not need a gender reveal party. It's not an essential at all, it's a very modern thing that most people don't like, it may be a good excuse for a party but nobody is actually bothered enough about the sex of anyone else's baby to need a party to announce it, and if money is tight it's an expense you definitely don't need. If I were you I would put every penny towards being ready to move out, and would cut down on anything like that. It will be a lot more important for your pregnancy for you to be out of that house, rather than have had a party to reveal something you could have just told people. This is going to be a very toxic environment to have a newborn in.

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stuffedpeppers · 21/02/2020 20:53

How old are you?

How old are her kids?

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Anuta77 · 21/02/2020 23:17

I refused jokingly and said we've only got a 2 mins drive from home so just sit in the back and she refused

You can not refuse jokingly, you simply refused. I do not excuse openly hostile behavior or throwing you out of the car (a bit hard to believe), but it seems to me that there's more to the story here. I think many wives are used to sit in front next to the husband, so somehow it's as if you took her place. Again, it doesn't excuse her behaviour, but if you know that it bothers her and you just tell her to suck it up and get in the back, you're not being particularly polite either.

There could be many reasons why she's not happy. There are posts here from time to time from SMs who complain about an adult stepchild coming to live with them when they want to have privacy with their husband. It could be that her relationship with your dad isn't so great and he's not being attentive to her, but she sees him being attentive to you and that is one big reason SMs are jealous of their stepdaughters. There might be things that you do or don't do that bother her....

How do you know what she buys to her children and with what money? Does it all come out of their joint account or each of them is using their personal money?

Have you tried talking to her? Asking her what you can do to make living together more pleasant while you're looking for a new home. Have long have you been there?

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Bluebell121 · 22/02/2020 15:27

@Anuta77 .. I'm sorry this poor girls opening her heart out to people she doesn't even know after she was thrown out of her house pregnant? And all you can sit and do is assume the negative things about her ? So yeah there's two sides ls to a story but I've been in this position with a step mum I had she admitted she was jelous if the attention my dad gave me and now I was " back in the picture " her kids won't get the " daddy" attention even though they weren't his kids! So before you say ( hard to believe was pulled out the car) think about what this girl must Be going through! You don't no anything neither do o but I think if she was going to lie and top it off she would at least say " she pull me out the car and thrown me on the floor" so what if she wasn't joking if she said no I wouldn't joke either if someone told me to move aswell!

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Anuta77 · 22/02/2020 22:43

Yea, I also had a stepmother who was unhappy when me or my sister (adults) would come to visit our dad and we had a situation when she wanted to be picked up before my sister who came from overseas. It was not nice, but she still behaved within certain decency limits. She was clearly jealous, but when my father died, she was happy to talk to us by phone, which showed that it was just insecurity and if it's the case of the OP, then maybe by talking to her and giving her attention, could help the situation.
I do find it hard to believe that she just throws a pregnant woman on the floor in front of her father and he does nothing. Or that she openly tells her husband to pick up her (adult?) kids, but not his own daughter and the father doesn't stand up for himself or his daughter? Or how does she know what the SM buys her horrible children. Maybe I'm wrong and such totally shameless wicked SM and spineless fathers exist, in this case what advice can one possible give? Try to find another place to stay. Her mother... Other family...Maybe there are services who help women in her situation in the area...

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floss1547 · 23/02/2020 00:36

She didn't throw me on the floor, she pulled me out of the car and got in the front seat and I got in the back. My dad doesn't say owt because it causes extreme arguments in the house. When we got home he came up to my room and apologised for what she did and told me that it was out of order but I shouldn't get upset about it. My dad hates drama and arguments so says he will do things just to prevent it from happening. She tells me what she buys her kids or if they come round she will mention it, I don't understand why it's so hard to believe? Yeah her kids don't work so I guess that's why she says to my dad that he's picking them up? Of course my dad is going to be attentive to me as he wasn't allowed to see me for 10 years and we've only just got back in contact In the last 2 years!

OP posts:

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Bluebell121 · 23/02/2020 09:07

It's absolutely discusting how you " find it hard to believe " it's not your life and you have anopninion which is what she wanted but I'm not been funny
How dare you be so rude and practically say this girls lying Cos your life with your step mum wasn't different not everyone's the same!

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Teenangels · 23/02/2020 09:52

OP, does your stepsister have a partner and a house? Maybe your step mum offered to pay for her daughter gender reveal party, you age expecting it. You also have no housing at the moment and you are worried about buffet food.
You leaving things about the house and comparing that she has stuff all over the kitchen is childish, I am afraid how long has she lived there?
The other things like your dad picking you up from work is wrong on her part.

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Elhan · 23/02/2020 11:22

It's my understanding that when kids go through difficult times in their lives (being pregnant and without a home classed as just that) it is a parents role to step in and help. I know if I was in your situation my mum or dad would take me in no questions asked, and also help out here and there if I was struggling with money - it's what decent parents do for their kids. Your step mum needs to keep her mouth shut when it comes to your dad buying you a bit of shopping or picking you up from work. I would have to open my mouth and have it out with her, her house or not. What your dad chooses to do for you is absolutely NONE of her business.

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RandomMess · 23/02/2020 11:29

Really your Dad is the issue because he allows his wife to behave this way towards you for a quiet life...

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Tyersal · 23/02/2020 11:53

@Elhan it is his wife's business if he is spending joint money, or if money is tight between them already etc we are only hearing one side of the story, I'm sure the wife's would be very different

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Londongirl07 · 24/02/2020 23:28

Keep your chin up...try not to let this stress you out! You don’t need it. Just focus on you and your baby inside of you.

Maybe try to have a quiet word with your dad...see how you get on.

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Luckystar20 · 25/02/2020 12:39

Gender reveal party is not a priority. You need to find appropriate housing for you and you're dc. Theres another thread about an adult daughter who has moved in doesnt pay lodge, leaves stuff about and dishes, which you're guilty of doing yourself. How old are you op you sound very young. With regards to removing you from the front seat she was unreasonable. However I would be seeking alternative accommodation for you and you're unborn child, this set up isnt going to work on both sides.