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My partners children's mum

(28 Posts)
justus123 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:12:49

I have been with partner 3 years and we have had so many ups and down. We have struggled a lot with bringing both our families together.
My daughter was 9 when we met and his children - daughter 3 and son 1.

The age difference alone between the children was hard but we have managed over time slowly being the children together but I can't stop feeling angry towards the children's mum. It's the one thing that keeps coming back up and making us argue.

She has always tried to cause trouble between me and my partner and she clearly told him that when they finished their relationship, that she would always do that.

She has always used the children as weapons. She even stopped him seeing the children just because she wasn't getting her own way all the time.

It went all the way to court, 7 months later and over £1000 down, for the judge to basically laugh at the whole situation and say why have you stopped him seeing the children when he hasn't done anything wrong at all. She even tried to say he could see the kids again but not when I was around. For no reason at all but other than to break us up. The court disagreed as I had done nothing wrong but it seemed to break us up over time anyway as I just resented any time he got a message of her or caused us problems. I know it wasn't his fault but I couldn't cope with my feelings towards her and I couldn't act like she didn't exist because she will always be there.

Anyway we broke up for about 2
Months and in that time they have had time to heal wounds and seem to get on fine now... which I am very happy about in the sense of the kids... as everything's going to plan that he's allowed to see them on the days suppose to but since I've come back in the picture I still hate her for everything she's done. I hate that she's sneaky, she still thinks she has control over him, she still rings him and says the kids want to speak to him, she messages (mostly pictures) from what I know anyway. My partner hides most
Information probably because he's worried il get angry at him and that's sad he has to feel like that but I also can't help how I feel.
She angers me so much.
Am I just being a horrible person and too sensitive. Do I need to consider leaving our relationship if I can't get over it or should she still be ringing and messaging. Any advise how I control my feelings.
I want to all act for the best for the kids but never feel it is with her.

OP’s posts: |
Princessfaffalot Sat 15-Feb-20 10:15:26

You need to break up.

GreenTulips Sat 15-Feb-20 10:16:34

I don’t think you are suited at all.
She’s not the problem, he is.

ThatsSooooGerard Sat 15-Feb-20 10:20:16

You need to leave, this is not healthy and bad for all the poor kids involved.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 15-Feb-20 10:21:49

Nothing you've said would suggest that this is a healthy relationship or that it's gods for you or your DD.

justus123 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:27:50

I didn’t quite expect them
Responses...
why are we not suited ?
What makes you say it’s him ?
Couldn’t she do this no matter who he gets in a relationship with ?
I didn’t see it as his fault ? I seen it was my own feelings that was wrecking us by letting it get to me ?

Arhhh help. I’m even more confused now

OP’s posts: |
MyNewBearTotoro Sat 15-Feb-20 10:39:11

It sounds like she was causing problems at the beginning but that they have now been able to work out how to have an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids. It sounds like now you are the one holding onto the past and negative feelings.

She is the mother of his children so she is always going to be in his life and it’s completely reasonable for her to contact him about their children. The children are still very young so of course she needs to initiate phone calls and I am sure your partner appreciates the photos of the kids when he’s apart from them.

I think you need to find a way to move past your feelings. You haven’t shared what the circumstances leading to her separating from your ex were but I assume if their youngest was only one they hadn’t been apart that long when you got together with him. You need to recognise that she was probably very hurt, upset and angry to have become a single parent and to see her partner moving on fairly quickly. That doesn’t make her behaviour right but people can act in unreasonable ways when they’re hurting.

The main thing is that your partner and his ex have managed to resolve their differences and put aside their feelings to put their children first, and it’s important you find a way to do the same. If you’re not able to do that then I think you need to leave the relationship for the sake of all involved.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo Sat 15-Feb-20 10:43:36

You have a choice. Can you put the past in the past? If not you need to put an end to things. Regardless of his exs behaviour you are either together or not. Does he need to show you every communication from her? If you feel you need this then speak to him. At the end of all of this the longer it carries on with the more it will affect the children who don't deserve any of this. I know its easier said than done but either rise above it, box it and move on or end it. I had the same choice, had a good long think over what I wanted and we worked it out. But it was a conscious choice by both of us. The ex is never going anywhere. She will always have a part in your partners life as the other parent to his children and that you have to accept and find ways to manage.

GreenTulips Sat 15-Feb-20 10:46:24

It is his problem

He chooses to hide things from you, no doubt doesn’t discuss arrangements with you.

He probably accepts what she says in order to keep the peace without realizing or caring what the impact is on you or your child.

He’s the one who should set boundaries with the ex. So it doesn’t impact on you all negatively.

His choice. He’s allowing the impact you feel.

Elhan Sat 15-Feb-20 11:23:22

What you're feeling is normal and I've been there. If someone causes upset and destress to the person you love and it impacts you as a couple, then of course you're going to resent them. I've been there myself, and every message that came through I'd hate it. But at the end of the day if issues aren't being caused now, then you have to let it go. You don't need to deal with her, let your partner. Obviously the only conversation should be the kids. They need to have that back and fourth relationship for the kids and I get its hard. If you really can't let it go, have you thought about counselling to help? Although it's your partners ex obviously shes impacted you too and I get it completely.

stuffedpeppers Sat 15-Feb-20 11:30:23

He left her with a less than 1 yr old and a 2 year old - assuming you two actually had a bit of dating before you moved intogether. So she pretty well got left with a new born andhe moved straight into another family.

And you wonder why she is difficult?

does not excuse stopping contact, but I get the feeling there is a massive back story. Most mothers would struggle letting another woman look after their 1 year old and play happy families. I know I would. Her behaviour and reaction to being left with a baby and toddler - has no right or wrong.

Tyersal Sat 15-Feb-20 15:07:50

Nope you aren't being unreasonable, you're feelings are valid. I am in a similar situation but with no kids of my own.

It's difficult isn't it, your OH had much more incentive to forgive and forget and men are better at this anyway. You feel like you are owed an apology for the shit she put you both through and everything about her gets your hackles up? How can she use her kids like that? And you don't really understand why your OH can live on?

I'm massively massively projecting here but wanted you to know you're not alone

stuffedpeppers Sat 15-Feb-20 16:28:34

"She has always tried to cause trouble between me and my partner and she clearly told him that when they finished their relationship, that she would always do that."

I think the answer is there in your words..

Why do you cheaters think the person they shat all over is going to be on the same page as them from day 1. Complete accepting, understanding and prepared to move on. The cheater has had time to plan and work out their next moves - in your DPS case, straight into your bed. The cheated person needs time to adjust it is a grieving process.

Your words say, you were the OW, he had an affair when they were still together and she was coping with a brand new baby. Do not expect sympathy on here - you are entitled to your feelings and so is she - hers would appear to be a tad more justified than your self absorbed indignation.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 15-Feb-20 16:51:43

I missed where OP is saying she was the ow.

Saying that I sympathise with any mum who has to let her baby go to stay with another woman when not even one year old, especially when the father is the one who chose to end the relationship.

Ow or not, you got with a man who had two very young kids having just deprecated with the mum. The likelihood it would create protectiveness of her children was always going to be very high and shouldn't have come as a surprise especially to you who was already a mum.

Can you say in all honesty that you'd have had no issue at all with letting your DD go to her dad and his new girlfriend when she was only 1 yo?

Tyersal Sat 15-Feb-20 16:51:52

@stuffedpeppers where does it say she was the OW?

Anuta77 Sat 15-Feb-20 17:57:35

OP, don't pay attention to Steffedpeppers, she's ALWAYS negative and this time she clearly overstepped the mark.

Can you ask yourself why do you really fight about when the ex contacts him? You have to be honest with yourself. Do you lack attention from your husband?

I have irrational anger towards one of the exes of my DP too. We had lots of fights over it, always started by me. She was very nice with my DP, so he would always do what she wanted, which probably wasn't too exagerrated. She would send him messages that were not necessarily related to their daughter (who has her own phone and communicates with him). He would drive wherever the ex told him to pick up their daughter or would hung out at her place while waiting for their daugther to get ready, to wash her hair, etc. while (I suppose) chatting with the ex. He pays her for her adult son from previous relationship.
And at the same time, I felt that because of all this, he had almost no time for our son, let alone my son who was abandonned by his father and who lives with us full time. And forget about any couple's time. So my anger was really because of him, because my needs were not satisfied in our relationship and the ex was the red herring really.
I did have to go to a therapist to understand it and things improved.
He's much more attentive to me and our toddler now. He improved with our son too (it's a bit too late, because he's almost a teen, but better that than nothing). So my anger for the ex reduced.
I still think she's sneaky and manipulative, but she bothers me less, because I get more attention from my DP.
Try to get help if you don't want to break up with him.
Also are you generally happy with your life other than your relationship? Doing more things that you love will make you feel better and you'll concentrate less on the ex.

gmac29 Sat 15-Feb-20 19:36:33

Firstly I hope you are doing ok. Also life is tough enough without cruel comments. Life happens and love happens and we all have to make the best out of any situation. My advice would be to talk it all through - especially to explain just how unhappy you are. You deserve to be happy too. I just wanted to send you reassurance that you are experiencing normal emotions. Hang in there.

MargotLargot Sat 15-Feb-20 19:40:01

Starting a relationship with a boyfriend who has a toddler and a baby is always going to be difficult.

You’re now creating an environment that is unstable for your child.

Sounds like you’re better off apart.

stuffedpeppers Sat 15-Feb-20 20:11:15

She has always tried to cause trouble between me and my partner and she clearly told him that when they finished their relationship, that she would always do that."

OP wrote it - or is that another of those relationships where they never had sex until after he split - highly unlikely!

I am pragmatic and realistic!

Tyersal Sun 16-Feb-20 07:41:55

I read that as being in general in relationships

funinthesun19 Sun 16-Feb-20 08:03:38

That’s what I thought too.

Teenangels Sun 16-Feb-20 09:15:13

Stuffed peppers also said I was the OW, just ignore OP.
Your feelings are valid and sometimes it is harder to forgive or forget what someone else has done to someone you love.
My partners ex is vile and full of poison and can’t let go that he has moved on and that we are creating a family...
I have now drawn a line under what she has done, and what she continues to do but I rise above it as I have worked out that by reacting to her, she gets what she wanted to cause trouble.

WhatTheFluff Sun 16-Feb-20 12:02:19

I hate it when people say 'shes not the problem' when she has quite clearly acted like an arse.

I think if they are parenting amicably now though OP, the only way for you to move forward is to move on from her past behaviour. For the sake of the kids it's good that she's now being amicable with your partner. She's always going to be there so you do kind of have to accept that or leave unfortunately.

Also I read what OP said as the ex told him she'd come between any future relationship he had when theirs ended. Not that he was already in one with OP but perhaps you can clarify OP? If you were the OW surely you expected some hostility from his ex?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Sun 16-Feb-20 12:06:58

You get annoyed when she phones because the children want to talk to him, or when she sendsbpictures of his children to him?

Mantwab2020 Sun 16-Feb-20 17:40:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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