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My husband doesn't discipline his 13 year old

(25 Posts)
meme70 Sat 15-Feb-20 01:15:02

My SD is 13 , 14 in a few monyhs
I’ve been with her dad 7 years since she was 6 we’ve been married 5 years.
She lives with us but sees her BM a couple nights a week as her BM has some on off alcohol issues.

SD has always been a child that lies a lot her mother lies compulsively so we can see where she may pick up it’s okay to do this. We try talk to her what lying isn’t good.
She also won’t do anything I ask her l

Last week I asked her why won’t you do anything I ask she said as dad doesn’t disapline me ..... Yhis was a few days after I asked her to hoover my daughters hoover and she said no she’ll do it another day I said no please do it now she was like no, her dad stepped in and said she can do it another day. So he’s undermined me.

So he doesn’t punish her
Tonight she lied and he did nothing
He’s rewarding her letting her go to a friends party tomorrow and sleeping over !

I’ve had 3 daughters all older and they don’t lie like her and didn’t refuse to do what my husband or I asked.

Not sure what to do I’ve spoken to him a few time’s about this and he said he just wants a peaceful life

I do all her care washing cooking clearing up I buy all the food and pay all the bills and I simply aren’t allowed to parent her at all and he isn’t.

PerkyPomPoms Sat 15-Feb-20 01:22:53

Yeah, it’s going to get worse. Can you live like this with his attitude for the rest of your relationship? What will be the impact on your daughters?

BillHadersNewWife Sat 15-Feb-20 01:24:26

Surely "Mum" is enough of a description for the child's Mother? Why are you putting "BM for Birth Mum"??

She's her Mum. She doesn't need "birth" in front of it.

And why did you "ask her to hoover my daughter's hoover"

Your post is very badly written so can't follow it.

Bluerussian Sat 15-Feb-20 01:33:12

I guessed you meant your daughter's room, not hoover her hoover.

Why should this child hoover your daughter's room?

The only suggestion I have is that you show her how to launder her own clothes, particularly underclothes. She is 13, will soon be a young woman.

Regarding the girl's behaviour only you and her dad can work out what to do, he's obviously a bit softer on her than you and it appears you and she do not like each other much.

PerkyPomPoms Sat 15-Feb-20 01:34:01

I thinks it’s ‘ I asked her to Hoover, my daughters hoover’ as in her daughters do jobs around the house when stepsister does sweet f.a

SpaceDinosaur Sat 15-Feb-20 01:57:17

If he wants an easy life then you need to be a team. Otherwise you're essentially being treated like a skivvy.

What are her positive qualities OP? What do you and your step daughter enjoy doing together?

TeaAndWine Sat 15-Feb-20 09:53:44

I was waiting for the 'BM' response..how predictable.
OP you won't get a lot of sympathy on this thread I'm afraid, MN is infamously awful to SP's.
Your DH is not doing your SD any favours. Have you spoken to him about why he didn't back you up when you asked her to hoover?

meme70 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:00:11

@ BillHadersNewWife don’t bother commenting then

Everyone puts BM

Do you troll forums to get attention ?

meme70 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:05:04

TeaAndWine

Yes I think there’s a lot of both mothers on here with issues against step mums

He is addicted to work , he works from home - that’s all that matters.

It was so easy to understand what I had written, it was late and I’ve had enough of being disrespected.

Her BM is her mother not her mum.
Mums don’t F off and leave their child 6 times in a year and go away in all inclusive holidays , weddings , valentines trips.

I’m the only person that had cared for this child whilst her BM and father do their own thing.

I’ll delete this as there way too many trolls on here

GreenTulips Sat 15-Feb-20 10:05:46

I would put it to your DH that of you aren’t allowed to discipline and parent then you aren’t doing the donkey work.

He can sort out everything she needs, clothes bedding shopping etc. say you’ll cook but they have to clean the kitchen afterwards.

He’s not doing her any favours. She’ll grow up unpleasant.

sendhelpppppp Sat 15-Feb-20 10:10:19

I do all her care washing cooking clearing up I buy all the food and pay all the bills and I simply aren’t allowed to parent her at all

Then stop. Stop parenting her. He cant have it both ways.

Why are you paying all the bills? What does your husband contribute?

BestestBrownies Sat 15-Feb-20 10:15:01

Jesus, he saw you coming didn’t he? Why are you paying all the bills and doing all the shitwork and parenting?

Just stop.

Whynosnowyet Sat 15-Feb-20 10:17:34

Basically he is using you as a nanny /maid.
It won't get any better.

rebecca102 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:25:12

Don't delete. Only an idiot wouldn't understand what you wrote. She is continually behaving like that because she doesn't get disciplined, simple.

rebecca102 Sat 15-Feb-20 10:26:24

Also I applaud you for looking after a child who isn't yours. So yes BIRTH MOTHER applies. You are basically doing all Mum duties when really you shouldn't have to.

Princessfaffalot Sat 15-Feb-20 10:29:02

She is her mum, whether you like it or not. And you sound as though you have alcohol issues...never mind her mum. Your posts are utterly incoherent and, when they do make sense, spiteful and jealous.

notapizzaeater Sat 15-Feb-20 10:34:28

Has he never backed you up ? What does he say when you ask him? You have a husband problem more than a SD issue.

Stephminx Sat 15-Feb-20 10:52:14

My word you’re getting a lot of hate on here.

Your post was a bit confusing to be fair, but I got the general gist.

This one is quite difficult because the usual position is that you are a SM. Therefore not her parent and those duties should be left to the birth parents, rather than step parents (works both ways). Step parents should be treated respectfully as an adult in the house but it tends to end there.

However, in this case it sounds like the birth mother is pretty much absent/hopeless, so that rules her out in reality as a “parent” figure. Your DH sounds like he is pretty crap as a dad - I think Disney dad is the phrase. He just wants an easy life, but that is what is best/easiest for him and not in the best interests of the child.

If I were you, I’d have a serious conversation with your DH about this and explain the negative impact his continued inaction in parenting terms will have on his DD. She’ll likely grow up with behavioural issues which will limit life choices, friendships, relationships etc... You need to agree that he steps up or you agree boundaries for you to do it/help and he backs you up. I’d also explain the impact his crap parenting has on your feelings for him - surely it’s chipping away at any respect you feel for him !

If he doesn’t, I’d stop running round after both your SD and your DH.

I’d also actually question why you’re doing all the housework, bill paying etc anyway. What exactly does he bring to the party ? Sounds a real prince based on your OP... but that’s not what you asked about.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 15-Feb-20 11:02:58

If she isn’t being parented properly then she will get worse not better.

From the fact that your daughters are older I suspect that you are in your last few years of them living at home. The question is - do you want to spend those years with them living with a soon to be out of control teenager and her really rather pointless father or would you be better to spend them just you and them?

How do they feel about your husband? Do they love him as a step dad and splitting up their family would make them sad? Or would they prefer it? Does he spend time with them? Take care of them? Help them with homework? I would make the decision bearing that in mind.

WorriedMum6868 Sat 15-Feb-20 11:12:14

I think you are getting flak here. If her mother is largely absent with alcohol issues then it sounds as if all the mothering/parenting is coming from you. Its a cliché but you dont have a step daughter problem, you have a dh problem. I feel sorry for this poor child....her mother has effectively abandoned her...thats incredibly painful and its no wonder she is hurt and angry and defiant. But your dh needs to step up and support you and parent more. Give him an ultimatum then stick to it

GrumpyHoonMain Sat 15-Feb-20 12:11:40

Nobody says BM unless they’re describing a bowel movement or are intentionally trying to minimise the mother’s impact on their stepchild’s life

mummmy2017 Sat 15-Feb-20 12:19:31

So tell him, either she helps, or he does it all for her.

ddraigygoch Sat 15-Feb-20 12:31:44

@GrumpyHoonMain What impact does this BM have on the child's life?
Because she's certainly not parenting her.

Bagofoldbones Sat 15-Feb-20 12:36:25

Why did she have to hoover your daughters room?

Im not being goady just interested about what that situation was - especially if your dds are all older than her.

Bagofoldbones Sat 15-Feb-20 12:39:11

And her mother will have an impact of this child’s life. Probably negative considering she abuses alcohol and has given up her child. When one parent fails their child in such a way it’s really common for a child to act out because of it.

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