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Step Son has told me he doesn’t like me

(17 Posts)
Olivia1810 Sun 26-Jan-20 21:46:13

My step son is 11 and over the 6 years we have been in each other’s lives we have bumped heads a few times. Mainly because we are both stubborn.
Tonight however after reminding him to wear glasses to play his computer( he has been given eye exercises from the opticians for eye strain and gets headaches from over exposure to screens) he went in a huff. He wouldn’t speak to me afterwards but this is normal for when he doesn’t like something I have said. However this time something changed, he text him mum to complain about me. Little bit of a back story to his mum, she has tried from day one to control the kids from how long they spend with us to changing days at the drop of a hat to turning them against me. We have previously been through the same situation with my older stepdaughter so can see the start of it with the son. Tonight however, he has told me how much he hates me, we don’t get on at all and he doesn’t want to come here anymore. To say my heart is broken is not close enough. I replied that despite how much he has hurt my feeling with his words I really like him, he is funny and we have had lots of laughs together. His dad was in the room with me as we always show a united front when dealing with anything and I left him to continue the conversation as I was lost for words. The sons reasoning was “well my mum told me to”

I suppose I’m asking if anyone has any advice on where I go from there. I know he is only being used as a pawn in another game meant to hurt us but I am so hurt by his words and lack of remorse that I can’t see a way through this right.

OP’s posts: |
StormBaby Sun 26-Jan-20 21:49:29

ALL kids say "I hate you" at some point, step or not. I just sigh and say "that's nice dear" when mine say mean stuff in a huff. They do it for a reaction. They stop bothering if it doesn't upset you. It's good that his dad is on the same page though.

Bluerussian Sun 26-Jan-20 21:52:44

Try to ignore, certainly don't behave hurt even though it is hurtful. Carry on as normal except perhaps be less invested in the boy's life. When he is staying at yours, go out on your own or meet friends sometimes, have a laugh and be cheerful. Leave the big stuff to his dad.

I feel sorry for the kid if he is being primed to say nasty things and, frankly, I do not get why his mother would do that. It serves no purpose. When he's older he can make his own choices and will hopefully see things more clearly.

You must not let this spoil your life.

JKScot4 Sun 26-Jan-20 21:57:00

Your DH needs to speak to his ex, his mother telling him to say he hates you is disgusting.

BuddhaAtSea Sun 26-Jan-20 22:07:50

I have a teenager. She hates me 5 times a day. She also threatens to go live with her dad.
I use the ‘that’s nice dear’ and ‘you’re free to go, dear’.
Let their dad address it with their mum, stay out of it. Not worth it.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet Sun 26-Jan-20 22:41:23

Be polite to him and let your OH deal with his child.
If this behaviour persists then disengage. That’s what I’ve had to do (and I have tried SO hard over the years).

Annaminna Mon 27-Jan-20 10:44:38

Children do say that to they bio-parents.
My DSS shouts that out to his father every day, when has been asked to do or not to do something.
I am sort of in mindset: "Hopefully one day he will feel comfortable enough around me to hate me too" grin grin

With this words you have been classified as a full time parent by this teenager.
I believe you are mostly upset because you feel that comes from his BM influence. This is your fear not his thinking.
Hugs

Luckystar20 Mon 27-Jan-20 12:43:35

Dont worry op my 11 year old told me he hates me. I know it's not nice to hear and they dont realise the hurt they cause. Such an awkward age.

JKScot4 Mon 27-Jan-20 12:52:08

Are pp ignoring the point that his mother TOLD him to tell OP he hated her?? It’s not run of the mill typical kids comment 🙄🙄

Appy21 Mon 27-Jan-20 13:10:43

Okay so my stepson told DH he wished he'd die the other week so kids do say awful things that they don't mean so I would try not to take it too personally but I completely get how hurtful it must be to hear.

BUT, your DH must speak to his ex. Her telling him to speak like this to you is not on at all.

StepMum1810 Mon 27-Jan-20 18:12:23

Talking to the mum is pretty useless. They have been through solicitors before and tried mediation where she walked out 10 mins in. The kids have told me that their mum hates me and she has told them that they don’t have to listen to me or do anything I say. I have spent years going through this with my older stepdaughter and it looks like the cycle is starting again. The mum is refusing to let me stepson come back as I am bullying him. I just don’t know what to do 😢

Thank you for all the replies. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this

Selfsettling3 Mon 27-Jan-20 18:17:06

My 3 year old sometimes tells me she doesn’t want to be my daughter anymore. Children often hit out at those they are closet to and to those who they know will be there for them no matter what they do. I’m not saying this is definitely what is happening in this case but it very well maybe or he maybe testing you. I would say something like you may feel like that right now but I still care for you and will always be here for you if you need me.

Appy21 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:47:20

That's really sad OP, I don't understand what some parents get out of making things so confusing and miserable for their own children. His ex should be thoroughly ashamed of herself, putting her son in that position. It's disgusting.

What does your partner actually say about it?

I honestly don't know what the answer is although I wish I could give you one!

Whateverjay Wed 29-Jan-20 22:31:31

Hi there, my mum used to do similar things with me and my siblings in trying to get us to not form relationships with our step mum.. now I'm 40 and have my own step partner (as well as step daughter with toxic mum relationship) I realise how insanely difficult this was for my step mum, she was mostly amazing with it but sometimes let the hurt come through, you are a human and not a massive, it's ok to be upset but remember the energy is not actually coming from the kids. They're confused and have conflicting loyalties, they'll work it out when they're older..I love the comments here that it makes you a true parent as all parents get it anyway! You are amazing in trying to love this child, he will work it out for himself eventually, don't worry. Remember it's not actually coming from him xx
So amazing your OH has your back so well too xx great parenting you! Xx

Mantwab2020 Thu 30-Jan-20 23:43:27

I go through a similar thing with my step son and it all stems from the awful things his mother used to say about me and sometimes still does. We have an ok relationship but will never be that close. His mother told him things from the age of 8 that no child should ever hear and all of it was untrue. I actually feel for him because he has always been torn between us both which was so unnecessary. So I'm just hoping the older he gets he will come to realise I'm not all that bad and always have his best interests at heart. It's his mother that should be spoken to but I'm guessing if she is anything like my step sons mother then she thinks she's mother of the year! Hang in there. Xx

daftgeranium Fri 31-Jan-20 08:28:26

So where's the father in this? He should be telling this child that these comments are not acceptable, and supporting you.

Annaminna Fri 31-Jan-20 08:35:18

@daftgeranium
Please read her post properly:
She said:
"His dad was in the room with me as we always show a united front when dealing with anything and I left him to continue the conversation as I was lost for words."

Seems like they dealt with the situation in the best possible way.
She just asking how to deal with her own emotions.
And lot is about her feeling negative towards BM, the child is just in middle of the grown-ups fall out.

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