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My husband is gullible and I feel used

(53 Posts)
RH1313 Tue 21-Jan-20 02:58:04

When I met married my husband our children were in their late teens. Perfect. He moved into my home. My two children finished college and moved out of my home to start their careers and be on their own. They visit often and stay the night on occasion. Great, right?

Next thing, I knew, my husband asked if his son could move in. Yes, I said. But he must get a job and get his own place. He destroyed my home. He tore up in my mint condition home. My husband paid for the fixes and let him know it was unacceptable to do that and he's grown. I love and like my SS, so I forgave him but told him if he tears up anything else he is no longer welcomed He eventually moved out, then moved back, then moved out.

I told my husband that I'm tired. I need my space and I want to keep the house clean. Then, he tells me his daughter wants to move in. I was going to lose it because I just told him I needed space. So, she moves in for six months, it was odd. She barely spoke and avoided me at all costs. She moved back with her mom who lives out of town. We get a minor 6 months break as my SS moves in and out. Then, my husband tells me my SD wants to move with us again for three-months to figure things out. I told him she wanted to stay with us. He assured me she was just taking a break. There months!!! That's a long time to live for free! Sure enough, a few days before it was time for her to leave, she said she wanted to stay. Really? You are grown!!! I would like to have my house alone with my husband. You're welcome to visit, but not stay.
To top things off, I pay 99% of the bills and I'm exhausted with everything and being the nice SM and nice wife. I just want to be able to walk around my home the way I want to without a bunch of grown folks who are now 29 in my house every day using my Internet, water, and electric, and eating all my food.

My husband asked me what should be the plan. I said, get a job and move out in 60 days. He said she doesn't have any money. My response is why did she quit her job and move here broke? He begged and pleaded to give her 1.5 years. Yeah, really! I told him, she must have a full-time job and move out in 4 months. Otherwise, she will pay $425 for the remaining three months with a drop-dead move out date. A total of 7 months max.
Now, he must take her to work and pick her up from work. His son also needs a ride to and from work. His other two sons want to move in now.

I love my husband, SD, and SS, but some days, I feel like selling my house and running for the border! I don't want to rethink my marriage, but I'm frustrated.

OP’s posts: |
Weffiepops Tue 21-Jan-20 03:33:03

Why are you paying for 99% of everything? I presume your husband has contributed historically? It's a tough world for young ones so a break there of 3 months is understandable but they need to be respectful, follow your rules and tirelessly look for a job.

ColdCottage Tue 21-Jan-20 04:11:42

I think you have given a lot. Say it's now time for their mother to have them.

Casino218 Tue 21-Jan-20 04:34:11

Personally I would kick the lot of them out. They are walking all over you love!

RH1313 Tue 21-Jan-20 04:46:12

Thank you for your response. My husband is in school. Prior to that, I was paying about 90% of the bills. He's a good man. I also know it's tough for some young people nowadays, I cannot continue to risk my sanity for lengthy stays. I don't want free roommates. SD is respectful, she just needs her own place to experience responsibility. I'm with the majority, it's time to go!

OP’s posts: |
penisbeakers Tue 21-Jan-20 04:53:10

You say you don't want to rethink your marriage, but it sounds like you might not have much choice if this bullshit keeps happening. He's letting his adults kids walk all over you both.

Christmaspug Tue 21-Jan-20 05:14:04

Why are u allowing this.
You are a free meal ticket.
You need to end the relationship with this rediculous man

ukgift2016 Tue 21-Jan-20 05:42:45

You are crazy for allowing this and your husband is a user. Why have his children grown up to be like this? Because of their parents.

Singlenotsingle Tue 21-Jan-20 06:10:28

Isn't it time you learnt to say NO? Just say no. It's easy.

WorldEndingFire Tue 21-Jan-20 06:28:26

It sounds like your DSC have suffered some parental failings given that they lack the maturity and resources to transition into adulthood. It's a difficult transition but this sounds quite chaotic and your DH is trying to compensate for the instability by offering your home as a source of security in their lives - but this comes at your expense as the space isn't really his to offer and your hospitality doesn't give the life lesson needed for them to grow.

What is his relationship with them like? And yours? Do you speak with them? What aspects are they struggling with where you can both be meaningful supports without being a permanent crutch? What skills are they missing that are making this difficult for them?

PragmaticWench Tue 21-Jan-20 07:24:11

I'm not surprised his other two children want to move in now, it sounds as though the first two got a great deal living with you. Can I move in for free as well?!

ColaFreezePop Tue 21-Jan-20 07:42:34

Tell your husband that as he isn't working so isn't contributing financially to the household his jobless adult children cannot live with you.

Then don't let them move in.

If they turn up don't let them in and if he lets them in get other people to dump their stuff in the street.

Quartz2208 Tue 21-Jan-20 07:46:18

There is nothing to suggest he is the one being gullible OP he has it made as do his chikdren

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead Tue 21-Jan-20 07:51:21

Wow, a whole family of Cocklodgers!

Why do you put up with it?

You are just their free meal ticket, does not even sound like they like it respect you

Why do women take so much shit, why? To be in a relationship with someone who coldheartedly uses you?

MN raises my blood pressure so much grin

Why are you ok with being used like this? Where is your self respect?

TheReef Tue 21-Jan-20 07:53:03

Unfortunately it sounds like your dh and his dc are all cut from the same cloth. It just happens that your dh is nice, but he's still taking the piss financially out if you. His dc are less subtle, but they are taking their lead from their dad and using you financially.

Tbh I'd kick the lot of them out until they can contribute and live like adults

Lllot5 Tue 21-Jan-20 08:35:29

Your husband can’t afford to be in school ffs. He needs a job never mind all his kids.
Say no and mean it. You’re being taken for a ride by the lot of them.

RH1313 Tue 21-Jan-20 13:27:57

I appreciate all the responses. Everything I was thinking has been confirmed in this forum. The truth hurts. I thought we could have a successful blended family since all kids we're grown. I do believe my husband is trying to compensate for something he didn't give when the kids were younger. They have a good relationship, which improved once the two kiddos arrived. They see their dad living in the suburbs as if that is success and they want it too. I have a good relationship with my SD and SS, but I know they're users. Their mom, unfortunately, is struggling financially and dad is not working. I see why the other two sons want a different experience, it won't be at my expense. My two kids are not perfect, they're accountable and responsible. They're so independent. I get it, they were raised differently. I was a single parent who set high expectations and standards for myself and them. I love my husband dearly; we will have a conversation again about this awful situation. Thank you all again, you've been an amazing support team.

OP’s posts: |
eminencegrise Tue 21-Jan-20 13:38:01

Oh, FFS! He's not a 'good man', he's a cocklodging loser and his kids are spongers. You're being used. It will never change. He's in school? How old is he? You're a meal ticket to all these people. They are workshy moochers. Another conversation? For what? So he can persuade you to be used to fund his loser kids for more time? And himself. Your self-esteem has to be racing for Antarctica to put up with all this.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 21-Jan-20 13:58:17

You've been targeted .

This means he never really loved you he was just looking for a woman with a job and her own house so that he could move in, get all his domestic needs met, get sex, and get everything paid for. It's an awful realisation to come to but, basically, you've been had.

sassbott Tue 21-Jan-20 18:15:54

I’m sorry so say, but your husband isn’t gullible here, you are. You’re paying 99% of bills, you’ve had two of his children (grown children) living with you and now the other two want to come? Well of course they do. Can I move in too?

Free roof over their head. Bills paid for. And to top it off it’s your money they’re effectively taking (not their own inheritances...). Have you ever thought that effectively they are taking what you could be saving / putting towards your own retirement / future inheritance for your own hardworking children?

Whatever stability they did or didn’t have growing up is for their parents to address, not you. There is absolutely no way I would allow this and I would be incandescent at a partner/ husband of mine putting me in this position. He’s lovely? No I’m sorry he’s not. He’s a taker and he’s teaching his own children no better. You’re enabling it.

If he was contributing equally and offering to up his portion of what he is covering bills wise, then I’d possibly be more open to it, but otherwise? Not. A. Chance.

sassbott Tue 21-Jan-20 18:16:55

I’m curious. Why do your kids make of this all?

RH1313 Tue 21-Jan-20 18:17:12

I know I've been had and used. It's time for positive changes.

OP’s posts: |
eminencegrise Tue 21-Jan-20 19:02:41

Positive changes? The only one that positive for you and your children is to hoist these moochers from your life and your house. Get real! They are total leeches. WTF is he 'going to school' for at his age? Another excuse to loaf round on your coin. What a total loser.

RH1313 Tue 21-Jan-20 20:37:09

As for my kids, they want everyone out! Including my husband. The house is a portion of their inheritance and they don't want me to allow anyone to use me financially. They tell me all the time not to put up with users. On the bright side of things, my husband signed a prenup, so if things don't work out, I keep what I worked so hard to acquire. I've moved money to unknown accounts to prevent any unauthorized purchases or withdraws.

OP’s posts: |
mummmy2017 Tue 21-Jan-20 20:43:56

Tell him if he wants to live with his children to move out and get a place with them.

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