Husband's Ex Wife demanding more money, HELP!

[NewbieSM]

Hi there, I've been lurking on Mumsnet for about 6 months now and this is my first post..

I've been married to my husband for 3 years and it mostly been amazing, we are best friends, get on with family and his two DD's (10 and 8). I myself don't have any kids but grew up in blended family so feel I can relate to the girls on this level and get on really well.

DH has custody EOW and half the holidays, but will often have them extra weekends or public holidays when possible. This means DH pays child maintenance to EXW (as he should) of £160 p/w. Now on top of this we are responsible for paying for school uniform and shoes, 50% of clothes for both houses, trainers, all dental and braces, stationary (including iPad and laptop), tennis lessons and dance lessons, all trips, school photos, birthday and Xmas gifts. You name it, we provide it.

Now EXW is a SAHM, was when married to DH and has never had a job since. She is currently supported by her DP and benefits. I'm not underestimating the life of a SAHM, that's her choice, but she is now asking us for MORE money she wants DOUBLE! Says, you have two incomes and by marrying him, I'm agreeing to financially support the kids!

Now I do provide for the kids directly, I buy almost all their clothes with my own money and send them back to her house. I buy gifts, pay for holidays, bills, all stuff the kids benefit from. But there is no way I'm giving that woman any money.

How do we deal with this? She has form for discussing finances with the kids to paint us as the baddies. It's emotional blackmail, says, "you can't go the cinema because Daddy won't give me money" etc.

Don't want to fuck up what has been a relatively amicable arrangement between us. But also don't want fork out more money!

HELP!

Sorry this turned into a novel but I didn't want to miss out anything and I'm ranting a bit

[adviceneededon]

Go through CMS and get a formal agreement. The CMS do not take partners income into account.

[OhMeows]

Go through CMS.

[LadyFuchsiaGroan]

If you go on the cms website there is a calculator there you can do to see how much you should be paying.

[user1484986087]

Why are you paying for things for your stepchildren? That is the responsibility of their parents! I was in a similar position to you and I kept my finances completely separate to dh to ensure that my money was not used to assess the value of child support/money to ex.

[Drabarni]

Tell her to jog on with supporting his kids, they have two parents for this. Buy clothes for your home, ex buys for her home.
half for the activities.
Play her at her own game, "you can't have x" because mum refuses to work and we give you x amount and pay for everything.

[pinkyredrose]

Why are you buying so much for them?

[toomanyleggings]

Absolutely not. Go through cm as others have said and they will not be interested even if he's married to a millionaire

[YappityYapYap]

If you tell us what your partner earns after his pension contributions, we can get a fair idea of what he should be paying. IMO, if more than the recommended amount of CM is being paid, you shouldn't also have to go 50/50 on everything else too. If he is paying £160 p/w and you don't include all the extras, that means he is paying £8,320 a year. If he is paying the standard 16% of his gross wage after pension contributions, this would put his salary at around £55k a year. Is he earning that or more or less?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Nope, your income shouldn't be included. They're not your kids. She's trying to take the piss.

[NewbieSM]

Honestly I buy them so much because I want to, they are my family too and they need things for here as well. And secondly because otherwise they go without. She will send them to us in too small or stained clothes so I will replace, an 8 year old can't wear size 5 knickers

I have an ok salary nearing £40k but I studies for four years to get this and work hard..

I dunno I don't want to be unfair because I know things are tight for her financially. But she could work part time if she wanted to..

[NewbieSM]

Yes my husband earns around £50k a year but sometimes this will fluctuate as he is self employed so they estimate and adjust for next year.

We discussed upping the money but reducing the extras, but are concerned we will end up buying for them anyway as EXW has used school trip money to pay for her phone bill in the past

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

It doesn’t matter if you’re earning £80,000 a year. You’re not financially responsible for her and your husband’s children. Do you have any say in what school they attend, when they get their hair cut, what hobbies they have, etc? I bet the answer is no! So why the hell should you be expected to play mummy when it cones to finances but back off when it comes to parental decisions. She can’t have it both ways.

[fedup21]

Go through the correct channels. What does he currently pay?

Your income has nothing to do with it.

[84claire84]

He's already paying too much. Check out CMS and put in a claim via them. It's the only way this will stop.

[toomanyleggings]

Isn't it your husband's job to buy them underwear when they're with you? What does he earn ?
That is very nice of you to buy them things but I don't buy my steps anything because they have two parents who both earn more than me plus very affluent grandparents. I hope you're not being taken for a ride here op

[aNonnyMouse1511]

CMS calculator. In my experience you’re already paying too much with all the extras.

[NewbieSM]

He wants to try to stay on good terms for the sake of the kids.

They have argued about money in front of them before and it was awful for them.

She has primary custody and we don't want to jeopardise access or start a court battle. She was fine with the arrangement for 3 years, what's changed?!

[toomanyleggings]

160 a week sounds like too much and clearly she's not spending it on them. I get 160
Per month via cm from my ex and he has no contact.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Go through CMS and get a formal agreement. The CMS do not take partner's income into account.

This.

She sounds really shitty though. Sending the dc in too-small clothes? Grim and nasty.

Can you pay any school-related payments directly to school (eg by Parentmail) in future (e.g. for trips)? That would stop the ex using the money.

[NewbieSM]

Just to be clear I don't begrudge the £160, we can afford that and maintain a comfortable lifestyle even with extras. We won't be reducing the contribution but don't feel it's justified to increase iyswim?

We just want to be fair and make sure the kids have everything they need but we don't want to prop her up forever..

[Figgygal]

Maybe even the threat of formalising arrangements will make her back off but if she’s not I’d go to cms too

[NewbieSM]

The trip thing only happened once and since we just buy items directly rather than hand over cash. But this is annoying as she has far more spare time to purchase these items during the week rather than us doing so on weekends.

CMS just sounds so official and rather clinical and will ruin any form of co parenting relationship