Disney dad and wicked am?

(91 Posts)
user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 02:51:14

Dh and i have always had disagreements but ever since sc moved permanently about 5 months ago, they have intensified to the point where we are now seeking counselling in attempt to keep our marriage together. Sds are with us permanently as their mother effectively abandoned them to us and she does not see them eow or at all as is abroad - I have posted previously about this .
Part of the problems in our marriage (as I see it) is that I feel like an outsider to the circle dh has created with his dc. It’s all about them and I feel that I am treated as a flat mate. To cut a long story short, I suggested to the dh that we have a family outing in an attempt to do something as a family. This could be difficult as sd is 16, as is 10 and ds is 2.5 years. The problem is essentially as 10 as he just wants to be on x box and play with friends. I suggested we ask him where to go then? Dh said no, it’s your choice . So we went to a museum. Ss in a sulk and not happy about going. Later that evening, dh thanks ss for coming in front of me and invites me to thank him too. I said no, I don’t see why I should thank ss as it was a family outing, we can’t please everyone all the time and that next time he could choose where we go, if he wants. Dh then proceeded to call me obnoxious and said I should have thanked ss. I still don’t see why I should, this means that ss should thank me every time I step aside for dh to do something with him?! I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but as I’m upset with dh anyway, I would be interested in hearing responses of others. Am I being unreasonable or is dh being a Disney dad?!

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DioneTheDiabolist Sun 19-Jan-20 02:57:51

Your DP is asking you all to acknowledge and thank eachothother for making an effort.

How is that a bad thing?confused

Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:02:57

It sounds like ss has had a pretty rough time recently, more so than you. He could have refused to go but he went. Yes it’s not ideal but a bit of positive encouragement could have meant a lot to him

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:05:14

Ok thanks - that’s interesting. Perhaps I am so upset at dh generally that I am not thinking straight. But I would not expect to thank ds if it was ds rather than ss in this position?

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Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:07:18

Please remember your step children didn’t ask to be abandoned. They aren’t here to cause you issues

Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:09:50

I understand OP, you’ve been put in a position you didn’t expect, that’s ok to be annoyed. Just remember it’s not the children’s fault, not yours or hubby’s (he’s probably doing the best he can). It’s your choice to live with this new life or not now

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:09:55

Agreed. It’s just that the way dh has behaved since they moved in has caused problems in our relationship.

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user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:11:35

Yes, i know. I just don’t necessarily want to split up for the sake of our 2.5 year old son of nothing else. I’ve seen how difficult stepfamilies are generally and the issues faced by the kids. At the same time, I effectively have no marriage.

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Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:11:46

One last point OP he probably doesn’t want to spend time with you, he probably wants to turn back time and spend it with his mum

Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:14:33

You need a massive heart to heart with dh about how you feel. Would counselling be something he would agree too. Otherwise this is going to damage all the children involved

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:18:52

We are going for counselling. Dh doesn’t really understand how I feel, we’ve tried talking about it but doesn’t get us anywhere. I feel like he is a Disney dad and I am just treated as a flat mate, ignored by him generally and always represented as the bad cop to his kids (he often asks me to discipline ss when ss won’t do as he asks, I don’t like it). I would love to just move out temporarily or maintain my own place but financially it’s not an option (I started another thread a few months ago about our living situation).

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weddingdrama123 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:20:35

Sounds like a stressful situation for all involved. I understand what you DH is saying, your SS didn't want to go and by the sounds of it going through a lot. It must be tough as a ten year old to find out your mother would rather be abroad than spend time with you, but he still went to the museum to please you.

Have you thought about bonding one on one with SS? Maybe inviting him to a lunch at Nando's just him and you and finding some common ground? If he says no except that and don't push him.

Are the children receiving help for SS or anything?

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:24:54

I’ve tried asking dsd to go out to the cinema a few times but she’s not really been interested. I haven’t thought about asking ss to do an activity as I find him very hard work in general (even before he came to live with us). The other difficulty is the fact that I’d rather spend time with ds too at weekends as I work full time, and given the age difference between him and as, it’s difficult to find things to do. Ss doesn’t really want to do anything other than play football and be with his friends. I don’t think he’d want to spend time one on one with me anyway (his mother hates me and did her best to turn her kids against me previously).

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user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:25:40

I’ve suggested family counselling to dh but he replies that I or we need counselling rather than as!

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FoamingAtTheUterus Sun 19-Jan-20 03:30:53

Soft play is an activity you could do with ss and Ds. Kids of ten still love tearing round those places, especially the bigger ones.........hell, I'm 38 and I still like a go when I get chance. blush

tictac86 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:35:28

I feel for you, being a step mum sucks. I would just go out at weekends with your little one so that he doesn't miss out and leave the others to it. This will give you restbite from the situation. Your dh will eventually realise that everyone else is missing out and they may start to join you. My DH kids are adults and 1 of them still causes trouble and tries to get between us. Shes mean to my dd and I'm going to have to say shes not welcome here for these reasons. Not suggesting you do this though

OrangeLindt Sun 19-Jan-20 03:35:41

It's called making the effort OP, these poor kids have been abandoned by their own mum, and the SM is being a bitch towards them too!

OrangeLindt Sun 19-Jan-20 03:39:43

Oh I forgot to add, I remember your other thread and you were told unanimously YABU and selfish about all of this. These are his children, you are making it difficult for him and as you were told before it you made him chose, you would be the only loser here.

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:40:43

I don’t mean to be nasty to them. Hence why I came on here. I suspect that my marriage issues are making me resentful of them, as in my eyes their arrival has caused the conflict between dh and myself.

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Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:42:21

@OrangeLindt no need for insults, she’s asking for advice, how is anything you said helping the children?

user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:43:03

Actually it wasn’t unanimous. There were other people in the same position whom understood. The point is I don’t want to be mean to stepkids. I’m not used to kids so I don’t know if ss behaviour normal or if dh is being a Disney dad.

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user1484986087 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:43:46

OrangeLindt obviously has his/her own axe to grind here!

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OrangeLindt Sun 19-Jan-20 03:44:07

I despair, with respect OP start making the effort, you knew he had kids before you married him. Kids come first, make the effort or lose your marriage.

OrangeLindt Sun 19-Jan-20 03:45:45

Shev she was given lots of advice in her last thread, seems like nothing has changed. Someone needs to start supporting these poor kids. Truth hurts

Shev1996 Sun 19-Jan-20 03:46:46

OP you can only do the best you can, it will either work or it won’t. Just try to think with each interaction how much life has changed for the children. And how much that will effect them more than adults. Be kind, be compassionate, and if you can’t do all this walk away. They are the most important thing here, if you can see that you’ll make an amazing step mother one day

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