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Haven't met his child yet - we've been together a year

(30 Posts)
heybabes Tue 14-Jan-20 19:29:47

Been with my boyfriend for over a year now, he's 36 and I'm 27. When we got together, he'd just come out of an 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) and had a 2yo son. I'd come out of a 8 year relationship too, but no kids + not married.

We kept the relationship on the down-low for a while as we work in the same department and while his divorce was going through, but we're open about our relationship now and his ex knows he is with someone new.

Everything has been really good between us until recently I've started to get really down.

He told me a few months in that he was glad that having a child didn't put me off and that he hoped he'd be an important part of my life soon, and thanked me for being so patient and understanding. Fast forward a couple of months, he apologised that I hadn't met his son yet but was going to set it up soon with his family to ease us both in. This was in September.

It's now January and I still haven't met him. We've been together for over a year now.

I've tried bring it up in a non-princessy way - rather that it upsets me that he acts like I don't exist on the days he has his son. For example, an old college friend came to visit for the weekend, and he spent the day with his son. Once he'd dropped the kid back at his mum's, only then was I allowed to come over. He says he just doesn't want to confuse him as he is perceptive and would see me as a mother figure straightaway, even though we've both agreed it would be ok to just introduce me as a friend and very gradually.

His own mum asks me if I'm coming to family events with them, and then my bf says "Oh no, because I have XX that day" so I automatically get excluded.

We don't live together yet (only because of the child thing!), but he stays at mine literally every second when he doesn't have his child. When he has him, boom - I don't exist again. He's told me he wants to buy a place together this year - but obviously this is going to have to have a room for his child.. who I have no relationship with at all yet!

I hate it because it isn't and shouldn't be my decision on when and how we meet. And I'm not desperate for a step-child. But it hurts because I feel like I don't know him fully yet - as a dad, that HUGE part of his life. It also hurts because he excludes me on anything to do with a child, but expects me to share my life and everything else with him. It makes me feel like he doesn't see a future with me.

On top of this, and it could be related (I have asked but he said no), his ex is mad and hates me. I stupidly looked at her Instagram recently. I saw a lot of recent and bitter posts about him and sometimes me, and it isn't the first time, and that she hoped her son would turn out to be a better man, etc. An over-sharer basically and not very nice. Definitely not over him.

So I'm starting to wonder what to do and whether this is right for me. I have tried to be reasonable and objective, but I am SO miserable right now. It's hard enough knowing that he was married to someone else before and has a child with them, let alone this.

I don't know whether to keep waiting, try and keep talking to him about it as I love him dearly, but it's been a year and I really don't feel happy in the current situation. I hope it's salvageable, but I'm beginning to have doubts.

Please help if you can!

OP’s posts: |
ColaFreezePop Tue 14-Jan-20 19:44:18

Dump him.

He's clearly not that into you.

If he was he would have introduced you to his child.

morrisseysquif Tue 14-Jan-20 19:49:44

I think maybe you are ok for him now but not the long term, sorry.

And he seems to have a great life with you every second getting sex and cooked for I assume.

He sounds like a user.

okiedokieme Tue 14-Jan-20 19:51:46

Seems odd, yes you don't want to rush things if it's a young child but 3-6 months in is normal, older kids sooner is ok (mine are adults so met after 3 weeks)

blueboy234 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:54:01

just be honest with him and tell him how u feel x g luck

PurpleDaisies Tue 14-Jan-20 19:54:25

On here the advice to mums is always not to introduce a new partner too quickly. I wouldn’t worry about not having met the child yet.

blueboy234 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:56:03

he may just be wary and think that you will go off him- he may have self esteem/confidence and trust issues all related to the past,,,, I dont think to dump him is what u want.... talk to him ! xx

sassbott Tue 14-Jan-20 20:30:44

It’s been a year. And I would say with such a young child, that is entirely appropriate.

But the time a year rolled round I would be in your shoes and thinking how much time I would be prepared to invest in someone if there were no plans at some point to take the step and intro the child / you.

It’s completely inappropriate to be discussing buying a place together (and on this I do think he’s out of line because he could just be throwing this out to string you along). Any introduction needs to be gradual and I would certainly always advise renting/ doing a trial of what life would be like when he has his son, and critically how everyone (especially the child) adjusts to living together. If that goes well for 6-12 months, then buying a place becomes a conversation that is worth having.

In your shoes I would have an honest conversation. Asking him firmly whether he has any plans to intro you and when by. And also whether this is dependent on anything. Don’t let him avoid those answers. He shouldn’t have a problem introducing you as a friend at this stage. You can do an activity for a few hours and then disappear. The child won’t think anything of it.

If he stalls/ avoids answering or committing to you then I would question whether he as committed to a future with you as you are.
I would also give some thought as to how much longer you’re prepared to date him without him making this intro.

Living together is trickier and I would also think about that. There is no one solution to this for a lot of us. I’m 4 years plus with my DP and we have no plans (certainly short- medium term) to live together full time as it basically is not the best interests of his children. They have EOW weekend contact and need 121 time with just him without feeling like they have to share his attention with anyone.

So just be aware of all of this before you move forward. And where are you both re having more children? Are you both on the same page re that?

Magda72 Tue 14-Jan-20 20:39:00

Hi @heybabes - I think there is one of two scenarios going on here.
The first is that he doesn't see a long term future with you; is content in how things are but is basically telling you what you want to hear to keep you sweet.
The second is that you have become very important to him & he is trying to 'protect' your relationship by keeping his 'baggage' (& I don't mean that in an offensive way) at a distance.
Either way you need to speak very frankly to him & tell him how unhappy you are.
If it's the first, walk, because he will never prioritise you & the relationship. If it's the second I can tell you that eventually his dc (& subsequently his ex) will have to come into your life as a couple if you're to set up home together & HE needs to be able to deal with his 'baggage'. A nasty ex is the biggest strain on any relationship & tbh what you might be getting now is the best of him.
As many will attest on this board there's a lot to be said for not setting up home with a man with kids & a nasty ex.
It all comes down to what YOU want out of the relationship & if you're not getting what you want & you don't feel that you can cope with a bitter ex your mental health will thank you for walking away.
thanks

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 14-Jan-20 20:42:02

You're hire a lot younger than him, at a very different stage and it may be that he doesn't see you as a life partner.

It's OK to wait to meet but he keeps changing the goalposts and dangling things and not following through.

Talk to him.

HillAreas Tue 14-Jan-20 20:42:42

I didn’t meet DHs DD for two years because her mother was against it. She had stopped contact and basically been a bit of a nightmare when she found out about our relationship so he didn’t want to rock the boat.
In the end she was told “DH is moving in to Hills house on this date, so DD has to meet her NOW in order to start to build a relationship”. It wasn’t great to have to force the issue but I’d still have been waiting now if it was totally up to the ex.
Could it be that your DP is afraid to rile his ex up more than she already is?

bank100 Tue 14-Jan-20 20:46:39

Personally I think he is in the right, not introducing a new partner too soon. Clearly he doesn't feel ready yet. It's probably in the child's interest too not to add further confusion and complicated dynamics.

Being in a relationship with someone recently divorced with a hurt ex and with children is never going to be easy. It won't be smooth sailing & you're unlikely to be his 'priority'.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 14-Jan-20 20:48:40

You’re miserable. A year in that’s no good, whatever the reason.

Step parenting is tough. With wonderful children and a civil ex it’s still tough. With a half in/half out partner and an angry resentful ex it’s going to be a fucking nightmare.

My advice is to walk away. There are 3.5 billion men in the world. Make yourself available to finding one who puts you first, cherishes every minute with you, makes you feel a million dollars. I know you love him but you’ve been in love before and can be again. For your own peace of mind and future happiness I say end it and move on.

Tyersal Wed 15-Jan-20 09:06:47

At 27 the are lots of child free fish in the sea, look for one of those, much easier I promise you. I wouldn't wish a relationship with someone with kids on my worst enemy

aSofaNearYou Wed 15-Jan-20 10:03:25

I am SO miserable right now. It's hard enough knowing that he was married to someone else before and has a child with them, let alone this.

Because of this, OP, my honest answer would be to get out while you can.

I don't think he's necessarily stringing you along, I just think things how they are seem on the surface to be working well and he can't be bothered to rock the boat, for you as well. The reality is that when you DO get introduced, things probably won't get better... they will get much, much worse. You will go from just struggling with the concept of him having a previous marriage and a child, to still dealing with that, but also dealing with his ex being a huge presence in your life together (as she is antagonistic and will get involved once her son is involved and attempt to sabotage you at every opportunity), and also potentially stress, resentment and demoralising behaviour and attitude from a toddler who is likely to be the recipient of parental alienation. If his mum has a problem with you and makes it known to him, it is unlikely your relationship with him will ever be smooth or pleasant.

Step parenting isn't for everything and I think if you aren't the kind of person who is highly pragmatic and the concept of him having done all this before you doesn't bother you at all, then it isn't for you. I was the same as you, struggled with the concept, and sort of thought I would get used to it in time once I was introduced and was "part of it", rather than on the outside. Years on, the truth is it still bothers me, only now it also bothers me much more because of what actually meeting him and dealing with everything that goes with that has done to my life and our relationship.

Don't convince yourself that once you meet his son you will suddenly be fine with it all, because you probably won't.

Harpingon Wed 15-Jan-20 12:48:01

You say you met at work "just" as he came out of an 8 year relationship and a 6 year marriage. Could it be possible that his ex wife believes there was a crossover and that you were in fact the OW. It may explain the animosity and the reluctance to introduce you to his son? I wouldn't fall into the trap of labelling his ex wife as a mad person, I would want to know why she is so pissed off. If you are introduced to his child and move in with him you will have her in your life for a very long time.

ColaFreezePop Wed 15-Jan-20 13:07:44

@Harpingon you have clearly led a sheltered life as human emotions and situations aren't black and white.

I know women who did the leaving - infact my own mother was one - and they were still hostile to their ex for decades afterwards. There as I know women who have been left who have managed to get on with their life.

I also know couples who got together quickly when they both had come out of previous relationships and while on paper as they worked for the same organisation it looked like it there was a cross over in practise it wasn't possible.

Harpingon Wed 15-Jan-20 13:20:04

colafreezepop.... WHAT??? On earth are you on?? I posted that the ex wife may think there was an overlap and that this could explain the hostility....... ????

JacquesHammer Wed 15-Jan-20 13:21:52

I think it’s refreshing he isn’t wanting to rush into introducing a partner to his son.

FWIW my ex was with his now wife for 14 months before he introduced her to our child. He was very much into his girlfriend, just more into doing the right thing for his child.

Dontdisturbmenow Wed 15-Jan-20 13:35:25

I agree with harpingon. I expect he hasn't been totally honest about when he was officially separated from his ex.

Most likely she has made threats that she will stopped contact if he introduces his boy to you and because he knows he messed up, he goes along with it out of guilt and because he doesn't want to end up fighting in court.

He won't tell you that she makes threats because he is worried that you'll put two and two together.

ColaFreezePop Wed 15-Jan-20 14:02:10

@Harpingon I'm not on anything. Like many posters who post in this section you seem to want to have a go at current and future step-mothers.

Harpingon Wed 15-Jan-20 14:06:46

Colafreezepop, I have been a stepmum and have experience of how hard it is, that is why I posted. You are personally attacking me for absolutely no reason, please stop.

Sweetpeach3 Wed 15-Jan-20 14:18:15

Strange - dump him

I met DP kids straight away pretty much

even when he first met his daughter (she was 5 and her mum cut him out then wanted to know all of a sudden but I was their the second time he met her, I didn't agree going the first time as it would be overwhelming for her)

His oldest sons moved in with me the week after me an his dad got our own house ( a year of been together, maybe less) I met his Ds about 2 months after we started dating- they was 10 and 12 at the time

If it was a new relationship then fair enough or if he only just told his ex you was together an was concerned about her stopping him seeing the child then maybe but she knows about you both dating. He has regular access and his family involve you in everything but he cuts you out so I don't see what's stopping him other then he isn't serious about you, using you and he's playing a game that isn't an enjoyable one for you op

Let him go he isn't worth your time like your clearly not worth his time to be introduced to his son xx

Annaminna Wed 15-Jan-20 15:22:37

I was dating my current partner approximately 18 months before we thought its suitable time to start with slow introducing process. We did it very carefully and slowly. First 4-5 times I was included in with a group of friends going out with their children, or met them at a playground where lots of other kids and parents were around. I was just a dads friend and I did not talk much to the child directly. Just to other grown ups. Dad suggested some games that group of people could play and I joined in with them. His DC got use to seeing me around at those safe and well known places.
Then two -three months later, I went to his house when he had his DC First time was his mother were there as well. Again short time chat with grown ups mainly. Snakes and Ladder game between all of us and then I left. Next time I was already welcomed by his DC (then 3 years old) with cheer and words: "Shall we play today longer?"
It was almost two years time when I first time had a day out with them two only. Really...no need to rush with those things.
Buying a house ,before you know that child and you all are comfortable around each other, isn't a good idea. Too many things will change at the same time.

And if ex partner is a high conflict person with openly hateful attitude then best you can do is - stay away and do not try to reach out or meet up with her. You will only get abuse and she will freak out his child with her attitude. Give her time ( years probably) to get use to with the fact that she has to move on.

So my advice here: take time to think. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. If it feels normal and makes you happy then go ahead.
Bare in mind that your partner can easily treat you as a rebound and in his heart he don't see long term future for you two together. Just wait and see. And look after yourself.
Good luck!

ColaFreezePop Wed 15-Jan-20 20:00:27

@Harpingon you were attacking the OP. If you don't want current step-mothers having a go at you don't attack other posters.

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