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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My son and step children

16 replies

ang87 · 04/01/2020 10:14

Hi, I'm looking for advice I've posted before about my partner and lack of equality between his daughters and my son, but we sat down spoke and agreed that we all need to be fair, but still things happen. He folded his daughters washing up and asked them to put it away, but refused to fold my sons who's 12 and let him do it to put away..... am I wrong for feeling like he should of folded all the washing for the kids or no ones washing??

OP posts:

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MustardScreams · 04/01/2020 10:15

If he’s not willing to change then get rid! Don’t allow an adult to make your child feel unwelcome in his own home. Children always, always come before a relationship.

ang87 · 04/01/2020 10:17

That's my thoughts, I've given him chances and spoken about how it's affecting me and my son but no changes so it's time to say goodbye x

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lunar1 · 04/01/2020 10:29

Unless there is a huge disparity in age and his daughters are significantly younger then no, it's not fair at all. Your son doesn't deserve to feel second class in his home.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 10:29

Good decision, ang.

ang87 · 04/01/2020 10:35

My son is 12 and his daughters are 10 and 6 but can all help fold washing, as I've had them all sit with me and done it with them x

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Thunderclearstheair · 04/01/2020 10:41

I had this with my step mum and she was quite blatant about it. My dad didn’t even notice or pretended he didn’t. It really affectEd my relationship with my half brothers (it wasn’t their fault) because they made me feel like an outsider in my own home. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling when your a child and you know an adult you living with has an indifference to you. Not pleasant at all. I also think it made me a very needy child/young adult

It’s time he went.

ang87 · 04/01/2020 11:24

@thunderclearstheair I've tried to explain all of this as I have a half brother and know exactly what he's doing! I've spoken about this openly with him and told him how hurtful it is! We've been together nearly 3 years and it's just not changing! I've not asked him to be my sons father but to treat him fairly and equally. Don't ignore him and make him uncomfortable

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TriangleBingoBongo · 04/01/2020 20:47

That’s ridiculous. I put a load of washing in and my DC and my DSS’ all goes in together, which means it all comes out together and gets folded together.

He’s being petty.

sassbott · 05/01/2020 11:24

I’m going to be a lone voice (not knowing the history). Are there other examples? Because this one is not one I would say is worth throwing a 3 year relationship away for. My obvious disclaimer is that I understand if this is simply the straw that has broken the camels back.

My DP has younger children than mine. Mine are nearer the age of your DS. If I honestly put this situation into my home, then actually in his shoes I would have (potentially) done the exact same. Do I expect my DP’s DC to fold washing? No..could they if sat with me. Of course. But context is everything. If I’m rushing about doing chores then no I’m not going to take the time and ask them to fold the washing. I would however give them the folded washing and ask them to put it in their rooms (as your DP did). Which is more than most partners on this forum ask their children to do.

Do I consistently refuse to do chores for my Dc however? And ask that they come in and do them themselves. Yes. Categorically yes. Folding and putting away their washing is one of them. Emptying dishwasher another. Hanging out washing is another. Stripping and making their beds (my youngest two can strip but still need help making their beds)...so all in stages.

So in summary, if my DC were lounging around and not helping and my DP called them to help with a chore of theirs, I would be glad. The adults are not there to wait on children and I feel very strongly about that. And do I expect him to treat his (younger) children the same as mine? No. They’re younger. And it’s clear he is asking them to do age appropriate chores. If he sat and waited on his hand and foot and did nothing for mine? That’s a completely separate topic. But this example doesn’t tell me that.

sassbott · 05/01/2020 11:27

I will also add that this comes in swings and roundabouts. My DP’s DC ask why they don’t have their own devices yet. As mine do. And they’re told it’s because two of my DC are older and walking to big school alone. And as they get older they get perks like this, but this also means more responsibility with chores around the house.

Children with such vast age differences (6 vs 12 cannot be treated the same. And I’m a little confused that you expect it to be so. My eldest can go out to the local park and play football with their friends. Can the 6 year old? No. So it’s not equal is it?

ColaFreezePop · 05/01/2020 16:27

I actually agree with you OP.

The older two children would be expected to both fold washing to their abilities and the 6 year old can be taught to help.

Yes it would take longer than doing it yourself but how are all the children going to learn?

ang87 · 08/01/2020 16:38

@sassbott hi, no it's not the only example, my son is treated vastly different, he will treat his daughters with love and be soft, but my son is pushed aside, he isn't treated as part of the family. We have spoken about his attitude towards my son, I've asked for a more inclusive atmosphere. I do expect the children to help and yes if he folds their washing why can't he take 5 mins to fold my sons?
The two eldest have phones and yet there is a divide between what's allowed and what's not, I don't agree with a any child being left out, and I try my hardest to be inclusive in all aspects, all I ask is that they respect the rules of the house, like tidy after themselves, and put their washing away.

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sassbott · 08/01/2020 17:28

Well then if you feel that strongly OP and you genuinely feel that your son is consistently being excluded (and only you know because you’re living this), then I agree with everyone else.

There’s no way I’d allow my child to feel second best to anyone else’s children. That will impact their self esteem for life. My relationship would be over unless substantial changes were made. The challenge is that once you start to feel this way, it’s very hard to reverse.

But I wouldn’t tolerate this remotely.

Peterspotter · 08/01/2020 17:48

At what point are you going to say this isn’t good enough to him?

ang87 · 10/01/2020 13:54

We have had several conversations about my sons exclusion and it starts to change and then it slowly happens again.
We are now over and I'm focusing on making it right with my son.

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MellowBird85 · 10/01/2020 18:13

Good to hear you’re leaving him OP. Well done for putting your son first, poor lad

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