Feeling a bit pissed off with ex’s wife.

[CathyTre]

My ex left me when our youngest child was 10 months old. Affair had been going on for a while. They are now married, and I am also very happily remarried; I have zero interest in her except as far as her relationship with my children goes and they seem to like her.

My ex has been having some fairly serious health problems recently - symptoms actually which would strongly point to bowel cancer, and he has been in a real tizz about this. It turns out from test results that he does not have cancer but does actually have a fairly serious and unpleasant condition.

Over the Christmas break therefore, I have had the kids (7 and 3) on his weekends to help out and also had them over their school holidays except for three nights.

Today, he called me at seven a.m. to ask when I could have the children back ASAP as they “ need time together” and “although I’ve had the kids he and wife haven’t had quality time whilst I’ve had them all the extra time as he’s been so anxious about his health”.

I said I’d be back to have them by lunchtime (it’s technically his day and obviously I haven’t had time alone with my husband due to helping out ex- she needs quality time with him and I should have come back early to facilitate this!)

Am I being unreasonable to think I’ve bent over backwards to help them and be pissed off that that’s not good enough for her and to resent being slagged off when actually I’ve been really very flexible and done what’s in the best interests of my kids?

My husband has two teenage kids to whom I am step mum; she is late twenties and 12 years older than my ex and has no kids of her own although she is a teacher of KS1.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Surely your kids are young enough that they can have quality time in the evenings??

Why isn’t he telling her that he’s missed the kids due to not seeing them for so long and he needs quality time with them too

I’d be annoyed with the pair of them to be honest.

[CathyTre]

12 years younger not older!!

[IncrediblySadToo]

she is late twenties and 12 years older than my ex and has no kids of her own although she is a teacher of KS1

She’s late 20’s, 12 years older than your ex?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Be pissed at your ex, he’s the one who messaged you and wants your help. She hasn’t done anything to you. How is her age relevant?

[CathyTre]

Rainbow queen - your post is exactly how I feel! Apparently they couldn’t have quality time even though I’ve had the kids all the time because he’s been so anxious.

I’ve listened to his worries on the phone, I’ve accommodated requests to have the kids lots extra and then I get slagged off and apparently she’s in tears because I dared to not be available early this morning when it’s his day now that she wants a good day with him now they’re going back to work next week!

[IncrediblySadToo]

🤣

That makes more sense!!

You’re making it sound like having your own kids was a chore - what’s with that🤷🏻‍♀️

That aside, they sound bloody ungrateful & ringing at 7am is just really rude

Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend ‘quality time’ with his children as he’s hardly seen them recently! Twat.

I’m sorry he’s unwell & has had a scare, but FFS you’d think he’d Want to be with his children mire, not kess, after that

Still, I’d rather have them with me than somewhere they weren’t wanted.

Wear them out at the park & have quality time together when they’re in bed

[CathyTre]

Honestly, it’s not a chore to have my kids! But it seems it is to them. Well, he’s blaming her...

I just had this one night off and lazy morning with my husband, and I was making her cry by just wanting that one little bit of time because she wanted quality time without my (our) kids even though I had them so much extra to help!

My husband is a dad, and a widower, so he’s had his kids all the time from a young age, so he’s fine with having mine extra, he gets it - I guess that’s what I meant about her not having her own kids yet.

[funinthesun19]

Surely it’s him you should be annoyed at? It’s him who said he hasn’t had quality time with his wife .

Sounds like you’re looking for reasons to be annoyed at her when it’s blatantly obvious that it’s your ex who you should be annoyed at.

[aSofaNearYou]

Did his phrasing suggest it was coming from her? It just sounds like he was the one saying it in your OP...

[CathyTre]

He said she was in tears and he would be in trouble because it’s been a hard time for her and she needs to have quality time with her, so yes, him blaming her.

[CathyTre]

With HIM not her, excuse typos!

[funinthesun19]

He chose to tell you that though. Why is he telling you his wife is in tears? That’s quite shitty of him.
Maybe things have been hard for her? She will have been the one looking after your children if he’s been so unwell.

[CathyTre]

No she wasn’t, I was! They haven’t been able to have them because if his health scare. Obviously that’s fine, they’re my kids and I adore them, it’s not my choice initially that they live between two homes, but we do have a shared parenting agreement and I don’t think I was unreasonable to want a few hours off considering I’ve had the kids nearly full time to help them!

When I had norovirus (admittedly not as scary but still horrid) my husband helped me and we asked them for nothing.

[aSofaNearYou]

You're not unreasonable to say no to changing arranged plans last minute, and you're certainly not unreasonable to be annoyed by a rude response from him to you saying no to a favour, but your anger is misplaced.

She is well within her rights to be upset in the privacy of her own home about what she's been through and the toll having the children now has had on her, and to express that to her partner. She may not have wanted him to share that with you. He is the one who chose to snap at you so it's him you should be angry at.

[CathyTre]

I guess so. I wonder if he plays us off against each other as he hates to be “to blame” for anything.

I was obviously upset (under statement!) about their affair, as it’s a horrible betrayal when you’ve been lied to like that (and read the mocking things she giggled with him about me during it when I eventually read the texts which is how my 13 year relationship with ex ended) but I like to think I’ve been mature and amenable since we share children.

This has been annoying though as I feel like I’ve been a grown up and they are not giving me the same courtesy.

My husband has his kids all the time; he’s a widower. I knew what I was getting into (my stepdaughter is now 16 and not always easy!!) so surely she has some responsibility to acknowledge she got in a relationship with baggage?

[CathyTre]

What quality time would she get if I died? That happened to my husband, his first wife was killed in a car accident when his kids were young.

[CathyTre]

I’ve always known he was a dad first of all, and a brilliant one, but I knew I’d be taking on baggage.

[funinthesun19]

No she wasn’t, I was! They haven’t been able to have them because if his health scare. Obviously that’s fine, they’re my kids and I adore them, it’s not my choice initially that they live between two homes, but we do have a shared parenting agreement and I don’t think I was unreasonable to want a few hours off considering I’ve had the kids nearly full time to help them!

Oh right my apologies. I misread your post I thought the kids were with them.

Anyway, the way he’s gone about things is really poor to be honest. The fact that he said he will be in trouble if he doesn’t do x y or z. I would take his words with a pinch of salt if I’m honest. Sounds like he doesn’t want to have the kids, and it’s much more easier and convenient to put the blame on to her.
She may well have said those things and been crying, but that’s where he should have kept it between them and told her no. Not gone telling tales on her to you. Pathetic.

[CathyTre]

I think I agree.

[CathyTre]

I mea, he is genuinely unwell, and I don’t mind helping but I do not appreciate also being slagged off.

[CathyTre]

*mean

[CalleighDoodle]

Well, now you know you dont accommodate them so quickly.

If he tried to Blame Her for something again, stop him and tell him thats nothing to do with you and get him back to his responsibility.

[CathyTre]

I think that’s really good advice, CalleighDoodle.

I’ll always have the kids extra when necessary to help if things are tricky, but not accommodate things that impact me and husband and don’t help the kids.

[aSofaNearYou]

I agree with funinthesun19

[funinthesun19]

If he hates being blamed for anything then that will be why he’s making such a big point about it being all her. Then he doesn’t look like the bad guy then does he.
You’re not being unreasonable, you’ve been very accommodating and helpful during his illness.