Problems with adult dsd

(7 Posts)
stargazer2030 Thu 02-Jan-20 08:13:52

Young adult (early 20’s). Blended Family sdc who have lived with us over 15 years. Mum has poor mental health so I have always been in Mum role if that makes sense. It’s always been normal for us.
I do get in really well with sd but since she was about 16 she can have times when she is awful to me. Honestly makes my life a misery. Every family holiday I am on egg shells (this has been observed and commented on by others too so not just me).
I have thought there could be many reasons for this , probably feels guilty about mum etc.
The reason I am on here now. She has honestly just ruined Xmas and am at the end of my tether. Started Xmas eve - she was upset about her mum, I tried to comfort her, literally told me to fuckoff (doesn’t usually speak to me like this) and barely spoke to me since. Xmas day was okay but from Boxing Day onwards . It created an awful atmosphere for everyone else.
We are sort of okay now but only because I made a big effort a couple of days ago for everyone else’s sake. It could all kick off again and I am just at the end of my tether.
She is at uni so doesn’t live at home but only in next city so comes home a lot. I can’t wait for her to go back now which is an awful situation.
Everyone suffers - other dc don’t know how to be as she n be awful to everyone and I feel it causes issues for us all. Had a heart too heart with my dd who said everyone is fed up of it (she doesn’t know the cause either but has said it’s nothing I do wrong dsd is just being horrible to me).
The thing is even dsd day why she behaves like this.
For my own sanity how do I deal with this?
Sorry for long post - trying to include relevant info. Has anyone tried family counselling and does it help?
Dh doesn’t help. I have pleaded with him to intervene but I honestly feel he is scared of jeopardising his relationship with her so let’s her get away with it. He will tell me he has spoken to her but not what’s been said and nothing seems to change.

OP’s posts: |
PepsiLola Thu 02-Jan-20 08:23:29

Until you comment on her behaviour and tell her it's not acceptable, I doubt she will change.

She's not a child who doesn't understand, I'm certain you can have an adult conversation with her

ColaFreezePop Thu 02-Jan-20 08:37:19

You are aware domestic abuse can occur between siblings and from a child to a parent/parental figure?

So take it up with your OH and her for the other younger children's sake. It is not acceptable that they and you are subject to abusive behaviour from an adult sibling while they live in your household.

Tell her if her abusive behaviour continues she won't be welcome so will have to stay elsewhere and cannot visit the household.

NorthernSpirit Thu 02-Jan-20 08:41:17

I can’t stand it when people tip toe around rude SC.

She’s in her 20’s, has left home and has been invited back to yours. She behaves with manners and is respectful or isn’t invited.

She’s in her 20’s, is an adult and if she has a problem needs to spit it out, not hide behind passive aggressiveness.

When she’s rude to you respond with ‘did you mean to be so rude’? And repeat....

She needs to sort this out as she’s going to get a rude awakening in the real world.

stargazer2030 Thu 02-Jan-20 08:44:24

I have tried. We have had many heart to hearts and she has never been able to say why. Always very sorry afterwards. That’s why I am wondering about counselling to get to the root of it.
It’s not a conscious thing - I don’t think she thinks right I am going to be a complete bitch to Star and make everyone miserable. I think it’s a combination of things that build up, I think there’s a lot of hidden resentment and I know she reads things that really aren’t there.

OP’s posts: |
Ikeameatballs Thu 02-Jan-20 08:53:23

I think this needs a united front from you and DH

We both love you very much
We have noticed these behaviours which are increasing
They are affecting everybody
We think that you are doing this because something is making you deeply unhappy
We are very concerned about you and want you to feel better
How can we help you? Do you need some counselling/family therapy/other support.

See what happens. Repeat this line between “episodes”.

If the problem persists

We both love you very much
We have noticed these behaviours are still continuing
They are still having a negative impact on us all
We have tried to support you but you haven’t wanted to engage
If this continues then we will need to reduce the amount of time you spend here
Please let us know if you want help or support

We both love you very much
We are still very concerned about you but the behaviours are continuing and hurting everybody
We think it’s best if you spend less time here
Please let us know if you want any help or support.

She may be struggling with her own mental health and be terrified of what’s to come, if she will have long-term issues like her mum.

stargazer2030 Thu 02-Jan-20 09:04:37

I think she does have underlying fears about her own mental health (so do I to be honest).
She had seen the impact on her mum.
We do need to talk. Think I might take her out for lunch when other dc not around and I am less angry. Am still too hurt and resentful
at the minute. I feel like this was the last straw at the minute so need to get out of that frame of mind first.

OP’s posts: |

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