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Navigating, not a step parent yet but

(1 Post)
Pezz23 Sat 28-Dec-19 18:56:48

My boyfriend stays with me, but I dont have him pay rent yet.

He takes me out and will give money for Bill's if I need it, but I'm not asking for it yet because:

We have been dating for 8 months now and hes been staying with me for 3 months.
I have a 650 sq ft 2 bedroom house, so it's VERY small.
It is my parents rental house, and I've had to put alot of work into restoring it, it had a very bad tenant previously.
I still havent put up the doors, no bathroom door,
No washer dryer, I'm rewiring parts of the house.
It gets freezing at night, I just installed one heater and it helped, but it's a work in progress.

Its definetly not a child safe place and also why I am not yet asking boyfriend for rent.
That and because we have an agreement that it is my house. His nephew sold his house, where my boyfriend was staying, he needed a place but where we live is over 1k for a studio.

He is a non custodial parent, has never had weekend custody, but instead goes to his sons home and/or bring his son to his sisters house.
Living with a fam member, he could not bring son there, as it was not suitable for kids, also totally under construction being remodeled for market.

We had an agreement that one weekend I would invite his son to come spend the weekend with us.
His son lives 15 minutes from us, he goes to dinner with us sometimes outside of custody agreement (all verbal no legal)

I am in therapy and was in heavy treatment for BPD and inpatient for alcohol abuse, so this change is something I dont take lightly, but I also want to be fully recovered and healthy before I become such an influence in an 8 year old.

His son and I get along great, hes very nice and while hes a kid and they're learning, his tantrums etc are not insane by any means.
Heck when we play video games together his dad is louder than him when he loses! But we have good times together.

My problem is, the mom wants me to have him.
Literally will ask my boyfriend if I will pick him up from school! And we hadnt been dating a month when that began.

My boyfriend agreed that slowly adding time together so if it turns out we dont work, this boy isnt completely turned upside down again. Hell it hasn't been a year!

We agreed that after a year we would move forward on having his son here more often and if we get married, that I will take a different role but we know that it is in the future.

He agreed to this because of the arrangement he had with mom. He would stay overnight at the apartment once a week and be there several times a week to spend time with his son. He helps pay for it.

He told her all of our communication and agreements that she said yes it made sense to. She agreed to not rush for the sake of the boy. She is also aware of my mental health and the fact I was/am in treatment, I thought it important she know.

But flashforward and now shes constantly fighting with boyfriend, refuses to let him come to the apartment anymore unless she really needs to, calls him over 10 times a day.
Tells him she spent hundreds on babysitting, when he finds out sons been at grandma the whole time.
She wants to dump son at my house so she can go out and party on weekends now that her boyfriend dumped her.
He tries his best to keep the drama from me,
And I've budged a little to let son come over more than original agreement.
He doesnt deserve to be a pawn.
But the house is not ready either so its uncomfortable when hes here because he has had to sleep on an inflatable mattress( we JUST got him a pullout bed this week)

I work during the week and the weekend I work on the house.
My garage is full of appliances, auto parts from prev tenant and its just ALOT to do.
The yard has debris everywhere, weve made progress but it's still a long way.

But now I'm pregnant, and I'm wondering do I need to change these boundaries?
Or if I give in am I asking for a life of her knowing she can get me to cave?
Boyfriend says stick to boundaries, but I'm worried it will make our relationship strained.

But
I dont want to find myself with the son all weekend every weekend before we are married, and I'm not ready for marriage yet.

I need my weekends to fix my house to be ready for baby.

Sometimes she wants to talk to me and hes avoided it, not wanting to pressure me.
I've met her, been to the apartment.
Maybe it will help?
Do I try to talk to her?
But I like how currently, I dont have that communication line with her, not friends on fb and she doesnt have my number.

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