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I hate SC’s Mum

(47 Posts)
NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 03:29:52

How do you deal with feelings of absolute hatred towards your SC’s mum?
To be clear I have been with my DP for 5 years, I have a lovely relationship with my SCs. I have never really had much contact with their mum other than polite chit chat at pick ups and drop offs, all started off very nice etc.
I keep myself to myself and do not get involved in anything to do with the SC’s arrangements between parents.
I actually thought their mum was nice and up until 18 months ago I wouldn’t have had much of an opinion about her either way. I even would stick up for her when DP would vent to me about certain situations and I would always try and get him to see things from her point of view as I am also the RP for my own children from a previous relationship.

We all rubbed along ok.

However, my problems started about 18 months ago when she began dating the ExH of one of my close friends. My friend and her ExH do not get along at all and had a very lengthy and brutal custody battle. He was verbally and mentally abusive.

In summary, he is not a very nice man and it has transpired he actually has children by 3 different women, the youngest of which being with my friend. She knew nothing of the other 2 children as he denied paternity up until recently.

Anyway, SC’s mum has immersed herself into the drama which has ensued and has taken exception to my friendship with her DP’s ex whom I have know for over a decade.

She consistently calls me names, sends messages filled with vitriol about me to my DP, posts things on SM, has started saying awful things about me, my appearance etc and calling me a snob to my SC.

I have done nothing to provoke this, it is all because her and her current partner do not like the fact I’m friends with his ex. Even though both my relationship with DP and friendship with my friend far predate their own relationship.

The things she said about me are incredibly hurtful and mean insults and I’m struggling to get past them.

I hate her. I have never really hated anyone in my life but I feel like my anger towards her is eating me up and every time she is mentioned or my DP goes out of his way to help her I am filled with an overwhelming rage.

I do not show this in front of my SCs, I am so lovely about her in conversation with them and have always taken the high road. But I know she’s bad mouthing me to the children and in front of them because they repeat things she’s said and I’ve also heard them in the background when she’s rang DP in one of her tempers.

I don’t know what to do. It’s got to the point where I resent helping her out at all. She rang DP today asking to switch days for contact as she has plans and it’s resulted in my being cross with DP for thinking about accommodating it because I honestly just think “fuck you, why should we be nice?”

How can I move past my hatred of her sad
She’s honestly vile. It’s breaking my heart

OP’s posts: |
MellowBird85 Sat 28-Dec-19 07:52:01

I felt exactly like you a few years ago and can relate to the hatred eating away at you. I was also the target of malicious lies and accusations when I’d done NOTHING to provoke it. The only solution was to completely cut her out so blocked on SM by both me and DH. He also blocked her number for a while. Firm boundaries were put in place, so no messing around with the contact schedule, no favours and everything was carried out in a business like fashion. It eventually fizzled out when she wasn’t getting a reaction any more because she just looked like a ridiculous twat, stamping her foot and looking pathetic whilst all she got in return was white noise grin

seahorse85 Sat 28-Dec-19 07:56:52

This is tough. Of course she's being completely unreasonable in being annoyed at your friendship with her partner's ex. This is none of her business.

However (and this is where the 'easier said than done' bit comes in) try to differentiate between this, and the coparenting part of your relationship. Last thing you want is for this to affect the children - and ultimately your relationship with your partner.

He's probably spun her a line. We all know what it's like when we get together with someone who has been through a tough time - we tend to be outraged on their behalf. There is always another side to the story, but she cannot expect you to drop your friendship with his ex! She needs to let it go too.

However as the age old advice goes - you can't control what other people do. Only your reactions.

My advice - grey rock it, and let your partner deal with her on a co-parent level. Take your emotions out of it and focus on something more worthy of your time. smile

Wallywobbles Sat 28-Dec-19 09:10:23

I made it know that if my DSCs mum continued to slander me I would take her to court and I would win. It's been much better since.

Wallywobbles Sat 28-Dec-19 09:11:18

But I loathe her too. Barely parents and never puts her kids needs before her wants. And the knock on from it all affects my kids.

BelleSausage Sat 28-Dec-19 09:24:42

This is really hard. It would be difficult enough if she was just a friend but as your DH’s co-parent this makes things pretty impossible.

She is utterly pathetic. Just keep telling yourself that this is her problem, not yours. She is trying to make it your problem but this really stems from her own insecurities. The snob comment is classic from someone with self esteem issues.

Grey rock and if she directs anything towards you just brush it off with ‘did you mean to be so rude’ or ‘are you ok, hun.’

It will drive her batshit.

A friend of mine once said that she works with a lot of assholes and the way she copes with them is to be really nice to them. Don’t let me negativity become your negativity.

SourAndSnippy Sat 28-Dec-19 10:11:53

I'm sure I would feel the same.' I guess it's the fact you are so totally powerless that is so frustrating. Usually you would be able to cut someone like that right out of your life but you can't because she is the mother to some of your husbands kids. It's just a shitty shitty situation.
Apart from trying to ignore her and trying never to have anything to do with her then I can't see what you can do.

How old are the step kids?

NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 11:28:48

The SCs are 11 and 15. The youngest absolutely idolises her mum, but the eldest is far more wise to what is going on and if I’m honest we can see it’s beginning to affect her own relationship with her mum.

A few weeks ago older SD rang my DP upset as she urgently needed something from the supermarket (school related item) for the next day. Her mum had said she’d take her but as it was Sunday had decided to go to their local pub for lunch and have a few drinks so therefore couldn’t drive SD to the shop.
DP rang me to say he’d be back later as he was going to take SD to get the items she needed so I offered to take her. I needed to fuel up the car etc anyway so I said it’s no bother.

I took SD, bought what she needed and dropped her back to her mum’s.

Later on that evening I hear an angry banging on my door and it’s my friend’s ExH (SC’s mum’s partner) and he’s shouting and ranting and raving calling my DP outside trying to instigate a fight?!

I lost my shit at this point. I’m incredibly angry and embarrassed, we live in a lovely quiet suburban neighbourhood and I just wanted him off my driveway and away from my house.

Turns out his there because apparently by is helping SD we’ve implied her mum is a bad mother. She was apparently drunk crying as we’d offended her so badly by taking SD out and buying these items.

I finally get the lunatic away from my house and my phone starts ringing, it’s DP’s Ex. I answered, half expecting an apology for her crazy DP’s behaviour. But no, she was slurringscreaming down the phone at me saying “What do you have to say for yourself you ugly c*nt” and other lovely things.

I was in shock and said “Pardon? Why on earth are you shouting at me?”
And her response was “Pardon? Fucking pardon? Who do you think you are? You always act so ladylike, you think you’re above me don’t you? Fuck your degrees”

Etc etc on it went. I basically said “have some class” and hung up.

Since then, anything I do with the kids is remarked upon. If we take them somewhere nice for dinner I’m “trying to buy their love”.

I’m a bitch. I’m fat (size 12). I am ugly (I’m not, and I’m also 7 years younger than her). I’m a snob. I’m a rubbish mum to my own two DCs too apparently, she said the SCs told her this which I don’t believe for a second.

I am grey rocking them but it’s hard because they seem to actively thrive on drama. They turn up at my house or saying things to mutual friends who tell us what is going on.

I’ve blocked them and all their families on SM and on my phone. But I can’t block her out in real life as she’s always there.

I’ve got a lovely girls weekend booked away in March with a group of friends and I’m dreading the fall out from it already as my friend who is the ex of her DP is coming. She’ll find out we’ve had a holiday together and it’ll all kick off with insults and shouty phone calls again.

Last time DP blocked her number she used the SC’s mobile phones to send us abuse.

I am so fed up of all of this sad

OP’s posts: |
MellowBird85 Sat 28-Dec-19 12:08:52

Seriously, I’d report this to the police and would be pursuing an injunction. Aggressive man turning up at your door with violent intentions? Threatening phone calls? Fuck that. They sound like scum. She clearly feels desperately inferior to you (rightly so). That’s why she’s calling you a snob and all the other disgusting insults. Time for some massive boundaries.

NorthernSpirit Sat 28-Dec-19 12:16:45

She sounds jealous and unhinged. As hard as it is ignore, ignore, ignore. These people thrive on the drama and want a rise.

I would also report this threatening behaviour to the police.

Rainycloudyday Sat 28-Dec-19 12:24:16

She sounds eaten up with jealousy of you. Next time you get a phone call, record it and report as harassment. If anyone turns up at your house behaving badly, phone police immediately and again get your phone out and video their behaviour as proof. I can’t see how else you can handle it. How is your partner reacting to his exes treatment of you?

NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 12:28:46

I did say if either of them come on to my property again I will call the police.
She is rather unhinged to be honest. She’s very aggressive and honestly the total opposite to me in almost every respect, if we wrote down our main attributes just as descriptions we are literally polar opposites.

But I have always been so nice and respectful towards her. Even when she has been hurling insults, I turn the other cheek and all that.

It does hurt though. The things she has said have been incredibly personal and I know it shouldn’t bother me but they really have hurt my feelings.
Imagine all the things you don’t like about yourself being shouted at you or posted on social media. It’s humiliating and upsetting.

OP’s posts: |
NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 12:31:52

How is your partner reacting to his exes treatment of you?

He says to just ignore it because she is horrible, he knows she is. He blocks her when she starts, but like I said she will then use her daughters‘ phones.

OP’s posts: |
Helini Sat 28-Dec-19 12:33:37

I really feel for you, OP. I agree, docu wanting,recording and writing down every Incident with dates and times. Try and gather as much evidence as possible and then report them. You shouldn't have to live like that.

SC are very lucky to have you in their lives.

GertiMJN Sat 28-Dec-19 12:41:22

This is not a situation in which you sit on your hands and try to br a 'better person'!

I would treat them as you would any aggressive abusive person.

Log everything and keep copies of all messages on whatever device or platform.

See a solicitor even if just the free 30 mins to check the legal situation. If you can afford it I would ask for a letter setting out your intention to take action if any of the specified behaviour continues.

In addition as this woman is in primary parenting position, I would want residency transferred to your dh so they are protected from this damaging abusive partnership.

GertiMJN Sat 28-Dec-19 12:42:30

Your dh is letting you and his dds down

NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 12:43:23

Thank you @Helini

We have documented it but I will definitely consider recording it next time. I haven’t been able to before as they’ve caught us off guard by just turning up or calling from one of the children’s phones, so we’ve answered expecting a nice chat with one of the SDs only to have a barrage of abuse from DP’s ex instead.

My concern is now my youngest SD has started to be bit hostile towards me and my DCs and has made a few remarks that she has clearly heard from her mum.
For example we went out for dinner last week and DP picked up the bill and youngest SD turned to me and said “Why does daddy always pay? He shouldn’t be paying for your food, he could give it to my mummy”.

I was shock

DP explained that we share money as a family and I pay for a lot of things and so does he. The funny thing is I actually earn more than DP and the house we live in was bought solely by me.

OP’s posts: |
NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 12:50:38

In addition as this woman is in primary parenting position, I would want residency transferred to your dh so they are protected from this damaging abusive partnership

To be fair the children are pretty well shielded from it. DP also couldn’t have full custody because he would have to quit his job as he works away in the week. And to be honest I don’t want to take on the full responsibility for my SCs as I work long hours and I’m the RP for my own 2 DCs.

SD’s mum is a SAHP and although she is horrible to me, I can’t say she’s a bad mum. The girls are loved and cared for very well by her.

OP’s posts: |
GertiMJN Sat 28-Dec-19 13:03:48

NewNameSameOldGame
I feel you have contradicted yourself with reference to the impact on the dcs.

You already said their dm uses their phones to send inappropriate messages which outrageous and damaging.

The younger dd is exhibiting changed behaviour- what you call more hostile behaviour and questioning how and who spends money.

The damage being done is not always immediately obvious. And often by the time it is overt, it too late.

GertiMJN Sat 28-Dec-19 13:05:47

They may be "loved and cared for" but they are also learning the most important lessons in life from a person who is vile and abusive and in a relationship with some who is worse

NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 13:11:43

@GertiMJN What can I do about it though? I am not even officially their stepmother.
On a day to day basis the SCs are well taken care of and in a loving home, no court in the land would remove children from their SAHP mother and give residence to the father because their mum hates dad’s partner.
We cannot prove parental alienation as it isn’t that intense with regards to the SCs involvement and she is not withholding contact (quite the opposite, she is pushing for them to be with us more and more).

I have had a lovely private message which has just explained I can pursue a “Harassment Order” which requires very little in the way of evidence. Apparently I just need to log with the police that I feel harassed and they will in the first instance issue a warning, if they continue they can be issued an HO which can result in fines or other punishments.
I think next time she kicks off this is what I’ll do.
DP doesn’t wake me to as he thinks it’ll be like adding fuel to the fire, but I can’t see any other option and I don’t see why I should have to tolerate her behaviour any longer.

OP’s posts: |
NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 13:12:42

DP doesn’t want me to, I mean

OP’s posts: |
GertiMJN Sat 28-Dec-19 13:21:09

I understand it's a difficult situation for you to be in when your dh wants to stick his head in the sand.

I'm just trying to give you reasons why he is wrong and point out that those girls may end up further damaged by his inaction.

As I said previously, the first step for you is legal advice. I'm glad you gave already heen given pointers.

Good luck

NewNameSameOldGame Sat 28-Dec-19 13:43:59

To be honest @GertMJN I wouldn’t say this is real life because I wouldn’t want to upset my DP, but the truth is I think DP is scared of his ex’s new partner.
He has a reputation for being one of the local “hard bloke” types. He’s considerably bigger and taller than my DP, who although manly (and gorgeous) is only 5ft 5 whilst his ex’s DP is 6ft 3 and around 18 stone of muscle.
He’s also renowned for being a quick with his fists and we’ve heard many stories over the years from my friend (his ex) and other locals that he is intimidates people in the local pubs and regularly gets into fights.

My DP is the opposite. He is calm, mild mannered and definitely not a fighter. I think he’s frightened and actually feels a bit vulnerable at the moment as it feels his ex and her DP are attempting to intimidate us.
I’m just not sure why they are doing it or what they want to gain by this behaviour?

OP’s posts: |
ColaFreezePop Sat 28-Dec-19 13:49:02

Unfortunately you seem to have an OH problem.

He needs to ensure you have absolutely no contact with each other and he needs to have minimal contact with her himself.

When she or her partner oversteps these boundaries he needs to back you reporting them to the police. If there is a Court Order for Child Arrangements then he needs to get it adjusted/enforced as necessary to ensure it is clear that they should have minimal contact with each other and both their partners have no contact.

In regards to your SC he needs to make it clear your joint family finances are nothing to do with her mother, her mother gets maintenance as per the law from him and then to close down any further discussion when she carries on whining.

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