Coffeegate

[Dollyparton3]

Just posting this for my own memory more than anything, I've posted about SD who always steals my stuff before and so I bought her own for her room.

Xmas eve I DID NOT STOP. Cooking, cleaning, getting bedclothes washed, playing with the puppy, hubby helped out a lot but when the kids arrived I left him to spend time on the sofa with SD and I carried on.

I went to bed around 11:30 and was out like a light.

12:30 door knocks and SD walks in. "Can I use some of your makeup remover please "

Me (now awake) : I was asleep, thanks SD
SD: sorry
Me: where's the stuff I bought you?
SD : I used it all

Now I know this is bull as she's been here about 6 times since I bought that huge bottle for her so unless she's showered in it I suspect it's gone to her other house AGAIN.

Me: I bought that for you so that you don't wake me up, that's very rude, I've had a long day and I'm tired
SD: sorrrrrrrry (stroppy teenage tone)! Which bottle can I use?

I gave up, couldn't be bothered to argue on Xmas eve.

Anyway, fast forward to Xmas day: I've got up, let the dog out, fed him, gone back to bed with a cuppa.

About half an hour later hubby asks SD to make us both another coffee "seeing as its Xmas day".

SD: I'm not making you a coffee, when do you ever do anything for me? You never make me a drink get your own blooming coffee"

Was I unreasonable to slope off to the shower at that point and make a mental note never to spend my entire Xmas eve again trying to make it extra nice to her ana serve her blini's whilst she sits on the sofa in her pj's and hand her a Buck's Fizz? Because that's what I did

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Get a lock on your bedroom door and tell her if she ever tries to wake you up again you’ll never buy her anything again. Cheeky cow. What does DH have to say about her behaving like this? Why are you buying her make up remover? He should be making sure she has what she needs. If she’s old enough to drink Buck’s Fizz she’s well old enough to understand and follow simple instructions like don’t fucking wake you up about stuff like make up remover.

This isn’t about coffee gate. It’s spoiled entitled brat gate and you don’t change her so just take a giant step back and stop running yourself ragged making everything perfect. There’s no point. Focus on making yourself happy and leaving her to it. Have you put your toiletries and anything else like that somewhere safe?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Oh and my DSD is 10 and knows when anyone fancies a drink we all offer everyone else one. She makes an excellent cuppa and it’s part of us all taking care of each other.

[Dollyparton3]

Yep, all toiletries are well hidden after months of everything from my room migrating to her room. And there was a chat at the time about me buying her one of everything so that she didn't use mine. This was all done after advice from the lively ladies on here.

She's 19 years old so it's frustrating that this isn't resonating with her, even more frustrating that the toiletries that were bought for her have gone back to her mum's house. I've now put a flannel in her bathroom and next time I'll tell her to use soap and water

[Youseethethingis]

YANBU. She’s a spoilt, entitled brat. I’d be telling her dad i was done catering for her and leave him to it.
But at least she said “please”.

[ChateauMyself]

Me: where's the stuff I bought you?
SD : I used it all

You should have replied;
“That’s a shame, you’ll have to use the soap in the bathroom”.

Rolled over & gone back to sleep.

Buy yourself a lockable medicine cabinet for your bedroom/en-suite.

[woooooo]

Wow thought you were going to say she was 12 or 13! She's a fully grown adult. Tell her to go and learn some manners.

[ChateauMyself]

Ah, x post with you OP

Don’t buy her anything. Don’t do anything for her. Direct her whines to her DF.

Don’t give in - you’re just reinforcing the toddler ‘grind you down’ behaviour.

[Veterinari]

She’s 19?!?!
You need to stop indulging her

[Winterdaysarehere]

My dd's are 12, 14+30 and would never go in my room or take my stuff..
You need to retreat and never lift a damn finger for her again.
Dh can raise a disrespectul madam alone.

[Berthatydfil]

Well I’d be thinking if the cap fits ...
I would be having a word with my DH and telling him that was the last time I would be specifically doing anything for her, so he needed to step up and or manage to whining. It’s no loss to you if she thinks you don’t do anything for her you might as well do that.
I would also be telling him that under no circumstances (unless it was a real emergency) was she to come knocking to wake me up unless he wanted me to tell her to fuck off.
So basically up to him if he wanted to tell her she is a spoilt brat.
I would buy some cheap basics such as a pot of aqueous cream and some value/ cheap face wash and some cheap microfibre cloths, show him and tell him I would be leaving those in the bathroom and that would be it and from now on if she wanted nice stuff he/ she or her mother buys it.
I would also be locking my bedroom and bathroom when she was visiting and just in case also decanting my expensive stuff into anonymous travel bottles or just leaving the dregs in the bottom of a bottle /jar for me to use and hiding the rest and monitoring it so if she used/ took it I’d be calling her out on it.
At nearly 20 she’s an adult and responsible for her behaviour, stop pandering to her she doesn’t appreciate it.

[sassbott]

She said what? My children have all been able to make a decent cup of tea/ coffee since they were 11. Now two of them are teens I can tell you they make excellent cups of both. If either of them spoke to any adult like that, they would get such a tongue lashing, no words would ever leave their lips like that again. We all ask one another if anyone would like a cup of tea/ coffee. It’s common courtesy/ manners/ kindness.

At 19 your DH is breeding an entitled and rude young woman. What did he say to her response?

[Dollyparton3]

I think his response was something like "oh thanks very much". Honestly I'm not sticking up for him but she's relentlessly rude when she gets going so it's easier for us to just ignore her when she starts. I think I get a bit more principled and stew over things like this

[sassbott]

My eldest niece is a similar age to this. And if she spoke to me this way? She would get one look. And a simple sentence back saying ‘with a disgusting attitude like that, make your own meals until you find your manners and a sincere apology. Don’t talk to me until you’ve found both.’

All the children in my family are loved and cared for and spoiled at times. But heaven help them if they ever speak to an adult In that way. Inter cousin banter (borderline abuse) is for them to figure out themselves. But no child speaks to an adult In that way and gets away with it. And guess what? They don’t, more than once. Ever.

Because once one adult is done, when the others find out, we also have a word. Even at 19 children respect boundaries and authority when it comes from a place of love and kindness.

[MeridianB]

Oh Golly. I was sure you were going to say she was 15. She’s 19?!?

As many have said many times on here... you don’t have a DSD problem, you have a DH problem. Whatever he’s done or not done has helped to create/allow the current personality traits and habits of stealing, flouncing and being rude.

You deserve so much better and he needs to put the boundaries and behaviours (and trips to Superdrug) in place to ensure you get it.

What did he have to say about her waking you up?

[QueenAnneBoleyn]

You have a DH and DSD problem. You have my sympathy - I’m in the same boat right now. Being a SM can be the most thankless task in the world.

I have two SD, the eldest sounds like yours - spoilt and entitled. I’ve now disengaged. I don’t do anything for her. I conserve my time and effort for my own child. This is the first Christmas in ten years where I’ve done NOTHING for his girls. I’ve left it all to him and it’s most refreshing. I’d have a strong word with your DH and let him get on with it.

[ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19]

The makeup remover she was out of order to wake you up but what on earth is you're dh doing demanding his 19 year old make you and him a coffee? Is he incapable of doing so. Different if she was in the kitchen and you shouted flick the kettle but seriously if he wanted a coffee he should of just made you both one.

[sassbott]

Chaos are you joking right now? I had the exact same convo Christmas morning asking my eldest to make me and my DP and a Christmas morning cuppa. They made the cups of tea. And bought in a box of sweets for everyone too. Why wouldn’t they? Given I was on duty to make everyone our traditional breakfast.

[ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19]

No seriously why would another adult demand a coffee from another adult makes no sense. Totally different to offer someone but to say make me a coffee doesnt sit right when talking to another adult.

[sassbott]

Well if you shout it out and demand one (or ring a bell) I suppose all of those are poor form. But saying to another adult. Ooo, I’d love a cuppa, would you make me one, just to spoil me? (Which in essence is what this father said by saying it’s Christmas, I.e spoil me). That’s rude why?

If that’s rude then I have been brung up right unproper. As have my family. Although I’ll stick with what I do.

Also, teens / children on the whole can be quite thoughtless/ self involved individuals. My regular prompting of my children now results in offers of ‘mummy can I make you a cup of tea?’ Direct correlation to showing them how much a little treat like that means to me (makes me happy and intensely grateful)which in turn makes them feel nice which in turn makes them want to do it more.

I’m very happy to raise children who think of others and i hope that if they were to turn to their partner and ask for a cuppa (assuming they of course do a lot for that partner) and that partner responded the way you did? I’d state that they weren’t a good match as their simple core values of generosity and kindness aren’t aligned.

It’s a cup of coffee. Not a Michelin starred 5 course meal.

[Dollyparton3]

Wow, anyone would think I'd insulted the queen on Christmas morning not ask for a cuppa. If anyone knows me they'll know that the only 5 minute treat I have every day is getting back into bed with a cup of coffee and drinking it whilst laying back for 5 minutes peace and drinking it. Some women go to a spa, some women go shopping. I just like a lovely cuppa.

As we'd spent 20 minutes with our very nearly adult teens opening their stockings in our bedroom we just thought we'd ask. Well, actually DH asked for a cuppa. He's been working flat out for 6 months and still running himself ragged getting to and from the children's RP home 25 minutes away to see them. And I'd spent ages working on the perfect Xmas in the house whilst DH was working and I'd not quite finished working from home on Xmas eve despite meaning to do so on the Friday before Xmas.

For the record, DSS gave his sister "the look" and went and made us a cuppa even though he's younger but he gets that for 10 minutes on Xmas morning it's about everyone having something they'd like.

[Dollyparton3]

And thank you @sassbott, that's exactly how we asked!

[aSofaNearYou]

Chaos your comment is absolutely ridiculous. There is nothing at all rude or demanding about asking another adult if they can make you a cup of coffee. It's probably the most common favour people ask for, I've made at least one hot drink that was not for myself on almost every day since being a teen.

You must run in very strange social circles if you would genuinely react that way to someone saying that.