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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

I don't like my step son

84 replies

Hazzer19 · 18/12/2019 10:02

I'm new to this and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Stepson lives with us, he's 15 and I just don't have any connection with him.
He's very quiet, doesn't talk much so it's hard to engage with him. He lies a lot about silly things and I find that I'm now waiting to catch him out. His Dad is busy and tired and doesn't always thing to check up on what he's doing/should be doing. I try to leave him to it but it irritates me that he's "getting away with it" all the time.
Dad has said that he's worried about how I am with him and that it's all negative. The honest answer is I see no positives about him being with us and love the fortnightly weekends he sees his mum.
Don't suggest we spend time just the 2 of us - the thought would fill us both with horror. I've organised a few treats recently - we went to Harry Potter world this weekend but he looked bored most of the time and was on his phone. I get he's 15 and that's what they do but I therefore don't see why I should bother.
I know I need to change my attitude but I just don't know how to.

OP posts:

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OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 18/12/2019 10:14

It is a hard one op, have you concidered counselling? It may help you to work through your feelings and articulate things with your dh. Both personal and couple therapy.

15 year olds can be very difficult at the best of times. Having a 15 year old step child living with you full time is tough.

It is good that you have reached out here, i hope that you get support from other mn'ers.

You have taken the difficult first step

usernamepp · 18/12/2019 11:56

I feel very sorry for your SS as he will most likely pick up on the fact you don't like him and that would be hard on any fifteen year olds confidence. How long have you been in his life?

wateringtrees · 18/12/2019 12:15

Christ he probably hates living with you.

You see no positives in a 15 year old boy? So what if he's quiet? That's his personality. And you spend all your time trying to catch him out?!

If it's any consolation he'll probably move out as soon as he can and his relationship with his dad will be fractured. So you won't have to see him much.

Hazzer19 · 18/12/2019 12:59

I'm sure he does pick up on it and I hate myself for that.

How do I change?

OP posts:

Hazzer19 · 18/12/2019 13:00

We all moved in together in March. I'd been on my own for 12 years before that so it's been a big adjustment

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 18/12/2019 14:41

OP what is he getting away with?

Myyearmytime · 18/12/2019 14:57

Why did you move in with them?

lunar1 · 18/12/2019 15:26

Honestly I'd live separately again.

If you were a mum describing the relationship between your child and partner in this way you would have a full thread telling you not to make your child live with someone who looked at them so negatively.

It's going to destroy your relationship and make your DSS more withdrawn.

Nonnymum · 18/12/2019 15:31

How did you get on with him before you married his father? To be honest I'm not sure you should have married him if you felt so negative about his son.

BillieEilish · 18/12/2019 15:32

Why would a 15 year old want to go to 'Harry Potter World' ?

Does he love Harry Potter?

My DD (11) would HATE it.

FraglesRock · 18/12/2019 15:32

Could you give us some examples of his behaviour and we could give tips handling it.
That's a hard age for anyone but especially if you've not grown up with him.

Hazzer19 · 19/12/2019 08:26

I asked if he wanted to go to HP world and he said yes - I thought it would be a nice thing to do as a family.
We didn't spend as much time together before we moved in (obviously) so I guess his behaviour didn't have as much impact. We've been together 3 years, married in September.
Lies - have you wrapped your teacher's present? Yes..... 10 mins later he's wrapping the present. Have you fed the cats? Yes..... no you haven't there's no empty packets in the bin. Have you showered? yes.... well that's clever as the bath is completely dry (I didn't say that but you get my drift).
I get that a lot of his behaviour is normal teenager stuff and to be fair, he's pretty good most of the time. I just don't know how to build a relationship with him. I try to do nice things, suggest stuff to do when we have any time, joke with him etc I care about him, want him to be happy, healthy, do well in life but I don't love him or like some of his actions.

OP posts:

Crocky · 19/12/2019 08:37

My ds would always answer a question with the answer he thought was wanted as he hated being in the wrong or in trouble (has asd). I found rewording the questions helped in a lot of ways. If you think he hasn’t wrapped the present then try changing the question to something like when are you going to wrap that present?

Crocky · 19/12/2019 08:38

Don’t use questions as a way to try and catch him out.

Breastfeedingworries · 19/12/2019 08:43

I second changing your questions, ie when are you going to shower as we’re going out soon ect. Give a reason too, so you’re not being unreasonable.

custardbear · 19/12/2019 08:46

At 15 you're trapped with whatever situation your parents put you into - he's a kid and he needs support, he's going through hell probably with his home life falling apart and now has to live with a woman that's not his mum who doesn't like him.
Ask yourself why is he quiet, why does he lie? All those things you don't like about him are likely off the back of a shitty childhood situation he's in which isn't his fault

Be a grown up and either leave them to it so he has a chance of a happier childhood or shape up and change your frankly crappy attitude on a kid
If you end up with a man with children they come as part of the package, non negotiable

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 08:46

Your posts don't tally up. Your husband has told you he is worrried about how you interact with him, yet you're saying you joke with him, do things with him, care about him etc.

Only one of these two sides can be the truth.

I suspect you simply resent him and don't want him there. No one can tell you how to change, and I doubt you will anyway, maybe just fake it better.

TheFaerieQueene · 19/12/2019 08:48

He sounds like a normal teenage boy who has had his life turned upside down by being forced to live with a person he doesn’t know and doesn’t like him. Poor chap.

WingingItSince1973 · 19/12/2019 08:51

15 year olds are going through alot emotionally and physically plus he has to deal with his parents splitting and only seeing his mum every other weekend. Tbh those lies you have said arent really that important. They forget instantly what your have asked them to do. Most teenagers brains are working overtime. Maybe do some research on this and developmental changes of children to better understand that he may not be doing this on purpose. It must be hard coming into a step family but you've known him for 3 years. What was your relationship like before with him?

Trewser · 19/12/2019 08:54

It sounds tough OP and it's good that you've realised. Tbh I'd back off. Set some boundaries then just try and be pleasant and friendly but don't try too hard. My red lines would be school work.

LittleLongDog · 19/12/2019 08:55

He’s lieing to please you.

Change your questioning. Eg “if you haven’t fed the cat yet could you do it now?”

Trewser · 19/12/2019 08:57

Yes those lies aren't the end of the world.

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JingleBelle27 · 19/12/2019 08:58

The things you’re saying he is doing wrong don’t seem that much of an issue to be honest. That’s just normal teenage laziness!

I had a step parent who disliked me and my sibling and it’s ruined our relationship with our dad. Your attitude needs to change and fast.

If even DH is saying you act negatively towards him then it mist be painfully obvious you don’t like him to the kid.

I feel for him. Nothing you have said makes him sound like the monster stepson you seem to think he is.

knewyouwerewaiting · 19/12/2019 09:03

He’s just trying to get out of trouble poor kid.

You need to phrase things differently eg remember to wrap your teacher’s present. You give him a way out then if he hasn’t done it.

It does sound like you are trying to catch him out eg checking the bin for cat food wrappers. Better to say to him, the cat needs feeding.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/12/2019 09:04

His Dad is busy and tired and doesn't always thing to check up on what he's doing/should be doing. I try to leave him to it but it irritates me that he's "getting away with it" all the time

I'd disengage unless it affected me and my life. So, I would not give a toss if he had not wrapped his teacher's present. Not my circus and not my monkeys. Why are you doing the wife-work when he's not your kid? This is your husband's job or his Mother's. It's amazing how much men get away with by 'busyness' - it would appear that women are never busy or too busy to do such chores.

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