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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Sick of feeling like I'm not a real person.

28 replies

Dontknownow86 · 11/12/2019 15:19

Just that really, my entire life revolves around someone else's kids, I get no say in anything inn my life at all. I am absolutely sick to death of it.

Do I really have to keep making myself miserable?

OP posts:

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areyouafraidofthedark · 11/12/2019 15:21

No one says have to, leave.

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SeaBear11 · 11/12/2019 15:25

Of course not, leave the relationship.

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Dontknownow86 · 11/12/2019 15:37

I'm at that point but I free already given up so much to make them happy and the kids don't remember a time before I was around so it will really hurt them.

I've already relocated 250 miles away from family and friends, changed my job, given up doing things i like etc that this last straw seems petty.

OP posts:

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aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2019 15:55

Why would you have to give up things you like doing for them?

Whatever the answer, it's not right or healthy and you should get out while you can.

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Dontknownow86 · 11/12/2019 16:21

It was a class that was moved to our contact night and I got a lecture about 'avoiding' the children and I could tell them I didn't want to see them etc etc. My dp also doesn't really want to do anything with me as he wants to save his money to spend on the kids or saving to buy a house with a garden for them so we don't go anywhere or do anything. Won't use his holiday for even just a long weekend with me, won't use any of it to see my family as the kids need to see theirs so I have to go alone.

He now wants to move to the town they live in, we are currently only 20-25 minutes from them but if we move it will make my commute over an hour long and move me over an hour from where my brother has recently relocated to (which is one of the only things that's kept me sane). They live in a town that is over an hour from any city so getting a different job is not realistically am option. I also find the place really miserable and depressing, it's not somewhere i would ever choose to live and i just feel like i cannot do it, i just can't.

OP posts:

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aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2019 16:29

The class thing is ridiculous.

Sounds like everyone involved expects the world of you yet offer you as a person absolutely no support or empathy. I would leave.

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Ifeelinclined · 11/12/2019 16:39

It sounds like the kids aren't as much of a problem as your partner is. He's clearly expecting your life to completely revolve around him and the children. That's unacceptable and I wouldn't do it.

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Knittedfairies · 11/12/2019 16:45

It isn't 'our' contact night though; it's his contact night. Who made your partner the boss?

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champagneandfromage50 · 11/12/2019 16:47

Sounds awful. What exactly do you get from this relationship? As it sounds like nothing?

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Coyoacan · 11/12/2019 16:49

That doesn't sound suitable at all, OP. Of course a father should centre his children but not to the point of never taking your needs into account

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Dontknownow86 · 11/12/2019 17:14

Your right the kids are generally angels. I just always end up feeling guilty about the children and going along with it whatever because he says their mum doesn't do much with them or he suggests I can't 'handle' being with someone with kids or that I must not like them etc and then i worry that I'm being unreasonable and I don't really have anyone to talk to that might understand.

OP posts:

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champagneandfromage50 · 11/12/2019 17:41

sounds like he wants you to take on the mum role to his DC. Typical asshole who is looking for another woman to do what he perceives to be there job.... why do you need to be around his DC all the time? He is there father.... I don’t know why you up rooted yourself from family and friends for this man. But I would suggest you return to them

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LatentPhase · 11/12/2019 18:04

You’re being controlled by this man, he is using his dc to guilt-trip you into accepting it. As a result you have basically no life apart from one that makes his easier

I bet there are other things he is controlling about too. It’s not a step children problem. More a relationship problem. I would look at the Woman’s Aid website and think about a life free of him, and how good that would be. You could move back home, re-kindle old friendships etc. Have a think, OP.

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hsegfiugseskufh · 11/12/2019 18:05

Your partner sounds like a knob. Id leave if i were you op.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2019 18:11

Look up the sunken costs fallacy. Yes you’ve invested in this life but you’re going to keep having to make compromises that don’t seem fair and feeling like your wishes don’t matter because he never prioritises you.

Imagine yourself 5 years down the line having stayed and having left. What could your life look and feel like if you walked away, chose where YOU want to live, your job, could do your hobbies without judgement, had your time and money to yourself, who you could meet and choose to share your life with. Someone who makes you feel valued and cherished, respected, considered, special, their first choice.

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sassbott · 11/12/2019 19:04

You’re in a situation I can somewhat relate to.

You meet someone, fall in love, get involved with their kids, think it will all work out swimmingly. That you’ll be able to figure this out and you’ll be a team with your partner. So you (In good faith) have initially put your needs to one side, for the sake of your partner and his children. Thinking, eventually that this will balance out.

Your problem is that your partner, has taken all your latitude and shows no signs of letting up or seeing your needs in all of this.

Now I’ll say this much (as I have been where you are). You’ve done what you’ve done (in good faith) but you are also partially responsible (potentially) for where you’ve ended up. By putting your needs to one side so much.

And on top of that you have (from the sounds of things) a very myopic partner focussed on only his needs and the needs of his children. You’ve done your part as a team and he’s failing to do his.

So now you see how he’s operating, I’m afraid you have to make some choices. And those choices don’t have to involve ending this.

So you’ve moved to help him and you’re miserable. That can’t be good for you. So I’m afraid you have to find your voice. Have you sat your partner down and told him how miserable you are? If you find this hard to do then I’d be worried for you, because you should be able to talk about you and your needs in a relationship. Without being made to feel guilty or being manipulated.

The reality is that your partner may not be a bad guy. But (like some other NRP fathers I know) he is myopic about his children. To the detriment of being available for a relationship and a partner.

If you love him, this could work. But only if you find your voice and only if he adjusts and recognises that his children are just that. His. Not yours. And if you want to go to a class/ go for a swim/ lie in silence and look at your navel when he has his children that’s entirely your choice. His children, his contact.

Avoiding his children? I too have heard that and it’s a comment rooted in insecurity and projection. It doesn’t make him evil and his perspective can can be worked through. But only if you stand firm and figure out what you need/ want.

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Pipstelle · 11/12/2019 20:44

How old are you? And what do you want? Never mind them. What do YOU want from your life?

I'm a stepmum but I'm married to a man who put us as a family unit first and that included me. He acknowledged very early on that I was giving loads to his kids and I needed to have my needs met too. We now have 4 altogether and it's not been easy but the key part has been his ability to see that this is hard for me too.

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SandyY2K · 12/12/2019 00:05

Do I really have to keep making myself miserable?

No you don't.

I got a lecture about 'avoiding' the children

Why are you with a manipulative man who tries to guilt trip you.

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Talk Step-parenting
Sick of feeling like I'm not a real person.18
Today 15:19Dontknownow86

Just that really, my entire life revolves around someone else's kids, I get no say in anything inn my life at all. I am absolutely sick to death of it.

Do I really have to keep making myself miserable?

Watch
Today 15:21areyouafraidofthedark

No one says have to, leave.

✕
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Today 15:25SeaBear11

Of course not, leave the relationship.

Today 15:37Dontknownow86

I'm at that point but I free already given up so much to make them happy and the kids don't remember a time before I was around so it will really hurt them.

I've already relocated 250 miles away from family and friends, changed my job, given up doing things i like etc that this last straw seems petty.

Today 15:55aSofaNearYou

Why would you have to give up things you like doing for them?

Whatever the answer, it's not right or healthy and you should get out while you can.

My dp also doesn't really want to do anything with me

In the nicest possible way... you have a choice. You are choosing this substandard life.

as he wants to save his money to spend on the kids or saving to buy a house with a garden for them so we don't go anywhere or do anything
Go places without him. Live your life and don't make him the centre of your universe...do that for now and think long and hard if this is worth your unhappiness.

You only get one life.

Won't use his holiday for even just a long weekend with me

He takes you for granted and doesn't seem to care about you, much less love you.

It's very selfish of him.

Can he afford a new house on his own... I would tread with caution.

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Dontknownow86 · 12/12/2019 11:55

I'm 33, I want kids of my own to be married etc and when we were first dating he was super keen on these things but now I'm not so sure. He says he's getting to old for more kids. He's agreed yesterday to look more where i want but it will be on a trial for a year to see if he's happy with that. To be honest i sort of feel like he's only going for that as he doesn't want to upset his kids if i leave. I honestly don't see the point now.

OP posts:

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Pipstelle · 12/12/2019 12:42

If you're 33 you need to get a wiggle on. If you think he's keeping you for his kids you need out of there. You don't want to be finding out when you're 38 that he's not going to have more kids with you...

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MzHz · 12/12/2019 13:18

Oh he just wanted someone to go the grunt work!!!

Wonder why this guy was got rid of??

This man will tell you whatever he thinks will keep you in the job of skivvy to him and his kids and fob you off

If you want kids - have them! But not with him.

Don’t stay with this man, it’ll be the end of you and any hope of happiness you have

You are sooo young!! But you have to make moves now to give yourself the best chance possible

Get yourself out of this mess and find the things and people that make you feel good, do things for yourself that make you happy.

This man is not for you.

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sassbott · 12/12/2019 13:25

OP, spend some time reading threads on here where SM’s have gone onto have more children with a man who already had them and are then having to deal with the repercussions of a person still myopically focussed on the non resident children.

Please please please pay attention to how this man is behaving now and what his actions are showing you. If he cannot fully meet your needs and take those into account already, how do you think that will change when a baby comes on the scene? Newsflash it won’t.

If anything it will get worst, for you. Because now not only are your needs not being met, but your little baby (whom you will feel hyper protective over) will be being sidelined and that will make it so much worse. Then you’ll come on here seeking sympathy and be told you knew what you were signing up to.

Please open your eyes and go into this knowing your choices and chances of you being really happy.

In your shoes at 33? I’m sorry but I’d move to a place where I was happy, tell him to move where he wishes. Continue to see one another and see what (if anything) can work?

Get some space. Some perspective.

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Magda72 · 13/12/2019 13:36

Leave!
You have ONE life & you deserve to be as happy as you can be & to be treated well by a partner. This man sounds like a giant ass who wants your whole life to revolve around him & his kids.
Seriously leave - you won't know yourself once you do - & don't feel guilty about the kids. They are NOT your responsibility - they have two parents.

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SandyY2K · 14/12/2019 02:01

Dont let him string you along until it's too late to have kids.

You deserve better than this guy...you really do. He just doesn't cut the mustard.

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fuckingwhat · 14/12/2019 02:18

Ah op. He's not treating you well at all. Him having kids doesn't mean you sacrifice absolutely everything. Don't move again and don't change your job.

Honestly I would probably end the relationship. You want kids, he's dragging his feet. It also sounds like if you did have children he would want everything on his terms still and you'd be stuck with him, living somewhere you don't like, possibly financially reliant on him.

My dh has raised my ds from young. We live in an area that makes his commute easy (I can work from anywhere). I would never suggest he changes jobs or lives somewhere inconvenient for the reasons you've listed. He's entitled to happiness and job satisfaction and day to day enjoyment too. We go on holidays as a family, and we also have been away just us. We go out for dinner regularly. I can't completely ignore him and treat him like a non person just because I already have kids! He would leave and rightly so.