Step dad is awful to his 13yo step son

(38 Posts)
Weffiepops Tue 10-Dec-19 09:48:00

Hi ladies, I’m hoping to hear other people’s opinion on my situation. I met my other half 8 years ago when my son was just 5. Initially he was great with me and my son but since we’ve had our daughter 4 years ago and he believed he was on our mortgage (I almost put him on ) he’s turned really nasty. He shouts at my son all the time for the tiniest of issues and calls him names like ugly and stupid. He’s also been very shouty with me and always tells me I’m a rubbish mother. Our holidays are always tense and family days end up with melt downs and arguments. I started to say things like we’re not compatible, we should go our separate ways etc but he just started threatening to run away with our daughter or to rubbish my reputation by spreading lies about me with work colleagues, friends and family. I’ve been suffering with depression because I feel like i’m Stuck with an arsehole. More recently I’ve recognised his behaviour as abuse and I’ve said I want to end the relationship. He continued to pick on my son so I phoned the police on 101, just for advice but the police came and arrested my partner. They said it was coercive control and because the property is just in my name, if I want to refuse him to live there the police would remove him. He used to pay about 40% of the bills, I always paid more because I earned more. When he realised he wasn’t on the mortgage he stopped paying anything towards the bills. It’s been nearly a year now since he stopped paying but he refuses to move out because he has so much credit card debt that every penny he earns goes to pay the interest on all his cards. He has recently been behaving himself and has stopped shouting at us and insulting us, but I still want him out. I know that kicking him out would mean he would be homeless and as I do want him to have our daughter occasionally, I would hate our daughter to visit him in a shelter or shared home where I didn’t know the other people. Also he did lots of work on my property such as fitting a new kitchen and painting and decorating in other rooms. He now says he wants me to pay for his labour for doing these. He thinks I’m heartless for wanting to split up our family and when I say I want him to pay towards the bills he just says ‘you’ve got a short memory’ because he thinks I owe him for the work he’s done. He’s a really good dad to our daughter which is his redeeming feature. What do I do??

OP’s posts: |
HigherFurtherFasterBaby Tue 10-Dec-19 09:50:23

Ring the police, have him removed.

He’ll be homeless because he’s an arsehole that’s abusing you and your CHILD.

Don’t hand your daughter over to him - he sounds dangerous as fuck with his threats to run away.

Call Womens Aid.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 10-Dec-19 09:53:05

He’s a really good dad to our daughter which is his redeeming feature

He's an absolutely shit dad to your daughter, she's already witnessed him bullying her brother, abusing her mother, oh and Our holidays are always tense and family days end up with melt downs and arguments. - is THAT the bit where he's such a fantastic dad? Or the bit where he's threatened to run off with her?

Get him out!

Weffiepops Tue 10-Dec-19 10:55:32

Thanks ladies for your response, you’re saying what I know deep down. I just struggle with the thought that I will be making him homeless when I know he can’t afford to run a home on his own. I’ll boot him out after Christmas

OP’s posts: |
ContigoQueen Tue 10-Dec-19 10:58:08

Why are you waiting until Christmas? You’ll have another ruined holiday with him. Cc debt is his fault and his behaviour is appalling. Kick him out as soon as possible before you daughter begins to believe that that is how men treat women.

Instagrump Tue 10-Dec-19 11:01:59

You owe him fuck all. You're not even married are you? So he did up the kitchen and decorated. Big whoop. He didn't pay his fair share and then paid nothing at all so him doing the work was the very least he could do to pay his rent to you. Just get a clean break. You're in a massively better position to most women on here. You are financially secure, you own your home. I also assume you have proof you've paid the bills entirely since he stopped (bank statements etc)? Did you own the house before he arrived on the scene? If that's the case then he won't even be able to claim a share of anything. Kick him out. The police have already said they'll help. He is abusive. He is feckless. If he will be homeless then that is his fault.

Do it now.

angemorange Tue 10-Dec-19 11:02:04

He's an adult - he can sort out his own living arrangements!

Get him out today - the police have already offered help - take it.


friedbeansandcheese Tue 10-Dec-19 11:08:34

He’s a really good dad to our daughter which is his redeeming feature. What do I do??

He's an awful dad - she has seen him bullying her brother, shouting at you... That's not how a good dad behaves.

Get rid of him. Get him out of the house. Thank God you didn't put him on the mortgage. Useless cocklodger.

friedbeansandcheese Tue 10-Dec-19 11:09:32

Oh, boot him out now, OP, so you and your dc can enjoy Christmas without him ruining everything! Why would you wait??

RandomMess Tue 10-Dec-19 11:12:07

How can you ruin your DC Christmas be not booting him out? Another one ruined by him picking on your eldest, his tantrums and abuse towards you.

Why do your DC deserve to have a Christmas like that?

Winterdaysarehere Tue 10-Dec-19 11:16:31

It really is you or him that wins op. Make it you and your dc.
Honestly your dd doesn't need him...
He is a twat.
Treat yourself to an appointment with a solicitor for Xmas...

Greggers2017 Tue 10-Dec-19 11:17:01

What he's doing to your son will affect him for the rest of his life. Living with somebody who calls him ugly and stupid must be affecting his self esteem massively. He may be a good dad to your daughter but you need to put both your children first not just your daughter.
You are financially secure and you have a home. If he starts spreading malicious rumours get the police involved.
If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Tue 10-Dec-19 11:19:56

He’s a shit dad and a horrible person. Get the cops to remove him and change the locks. Give yourselves the gift of a peaceful Christmas without this horrible man around.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat Tue 10-Dec-19 11:21:36

I’ll boot him out after Christmas
Your son needed you to boot him out every single day since he started to abuse him. Since you can’t go back in time, do it tomorrow.
Best christmas your son will have had in a long time.

Horehound Tue 10-Dec-19 11:23:34

Wtf no. Boot him out now. Good god

Lllot5 Tue 10-Dec-19 11:25:47

Chose your children over this man.
Tell him to leave, if he won’t call the police.
You owe him nothing.
He won’t be homeless for long his sort never are.

Ratbagcatbag Tue 10-Dec-19 11:25:50

Get rid. Today. His situation isn't your problem. He caused that when he was an abusive vile twat to your DS.
And do you know what. Your DS will be dreading Xmas. Away from school and stuck at home with someone who openly despises him. Nice.
He's had plenty of time to sort himself out and find a house share. He hasn't because he doesn't think you are serious.

Weffiepops Tue 10-Dec-19 11:28:04

Thanks everyone, the small number of people I’ve confided in in real life have said I need to kick him out but I just know he’ll drag this through the courts and expect a load of money. I guess I’m just ashamed it’s taken this long to recognise it as abuse. I grew up in a home with tension and arguments and I was delighted when my parents split as there was finally harmony, I guess the shouting just looked like normal family life to me.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 10-Dec-19 11:29:33

When argues about money owed etc just say "it will get sorted in court" he won't have the money to take you!!!

Are you married?

The priority is housing the DC which the courts will honour.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Tue 10-Dec-19 11:32:08

Are you married?

If not there is nothing to drag through court. He’s a chancer. Kick him out. And get maintenance from him.

Men like him are never homeless for long, he’ll find someone else to sponge off soon.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby Tue 10-Dec-19 12:17:41

You’re not married.

And he has no money for a court battle.

YouretheChristmasCarcass Tue 10-Dec-19 12:27:34

Sort what out in court? You aren't married, his name isn't on the house, and I assume you had no written agreement regarding the work he did on the house so you owe him nothing there. He has no money to pay a solicitor anyway.

You aren't making him homeless. He's making himself homeless with his abusive behaviour.

Have the police remove him. Change the locks. Worry about child access when the dust has settled.

Youseethethingis Tue 10-Dec-19 12:43:08

A good dad to a daughter does not indoctrinate her from an early age that it is acceptable for a woman to be used and abused by her husband or partner.
This piece of shit need scraping from your shoes ASAP. For your and both your children’s sakes.

Tyersal Tue 10-Dec-19 12:53:59

I'm so angry on your behalf I want to come and kick him out for you. Get the locks changed have the police on standby and have his stuff delivered to his work/friends/ parents.
As for the diy work the cost of that wouldn't cover his half of the bills for the last few years

Tyersal Tue 10-Dec-19 12:54:57

This isn't really a step parent issue its an abusive relationship issue

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