Surely this can’t go on forever?

(25 Posts)
StripeyMess Thu 05-Dec-19 18:52:40

OH lived at home with his parents before he moved in with me so all contact arrangements with DSS were organised for their house. He’s never had his own place but that’s another thread! DSS has a bedroom, clothes etc there. OH was having him one day a week (no overnights) up until the start of this year where it changed to EOW from Friday after school til Sunday evening. There are only 2 bedrooms in this house and we have only just about managed to save up for a 3 bed. Our child is a girl so it would be inappropriate for them to share a bedroom since DSS is 7. This means OH stays at his parents for this duration and I’m left alone heavily pregnant with an almost 4yo. He has never mentioned DSS having contact here or in our new home and I just presume everyone (DSS most importantly) is comfortable with the current arrangement.

I feel awful that we haven’t integrated DSS into our home. I can only just about afford to rent a 3 bed for when the new baby comes so he will never have his own bedroom with us. I personally never had my own bedroom at my dad‘s house where he lived with my step mother, I just slept in the spare room. It did upset me when I was young. He could have bedroom no. 3 until baby needs to be in their own room but then I don’t want to take that away from him once it happens. He will have to sleep on a camp bed if he does stay over and that makes me feel like such a bad person. However, OH isn’t paying anything towards the deposit and rent so from a financial perspective it is my house. But obviously it his home as he spends most of his time here so it should be DSS’s too. It’s very complicated and the main issue is space. He will always have his bedroom at his grandparents so it’s not like he hasn’t got his own space when he has contact. Ohh the sweet little thing I just want to do what’s right by him. OH needs a better earning job so we can afford a bigger house!

Are there any temporary solutions for now? I can’t cope with OH being at work 5 days a week then away from home EOW. Our DD suffers and he won’t be able to bond with new baby properly either. OH has no contact with DSS’s mum and hasn’t for many years since she is quite toxic (refused contact for first 2 years of his life then has been known to withdraw contact if CS isn’t paid etc.). All contact is done through the grandparents. Maybe his mum would be more comfortable with contact remaining as it is because she would have to speak to me and OH if he came to our house? I just want him to DSS to feel included

OP’s posts: |
ducktablelampcarrot Thu 05-Dec-19 19:00:22

It's a shame your OH made his son a side thought.
Poor DSS.

StripeyMess Thu 05-Dec-19 19:04:29

OH moved into my house so should DSS have ‘moved with him’ when he did? Hopefully it will be different when we move and both our names are on the tenancy. I would offer him our room and we sleep downstairs but then it’s still not his own space. I can’t think of any alternatives

OP’s posts: |
ducktablelampcarrot Thu 05-Dec-19 19:08:34

Look you sound lovely and inclusive. Your OH sounds like he didn't expect have his son overnight, ever, so didn't see a problem with moving in with you.

He has 2 children with you, and a son from a previous relationship but thinks a 2/3 bedroom house is ok?

Gingerkittykat Thu 05-Dec-19 19:09:33

I don't see why a 4 and 7 year old can't share for a couple of nights a fortnight, obviously it will change as he gets a bit older.

Can he go in with the baby when you move?

Does he see you during the day when he is with his dad?

Why does OH not pay towards the deposit and rent since both he and his two younger children will be living there?

crochetandshit Thu 05-Dec-19 19:13:07

I don't understand why the baby can't share with whichever sibling is the same sex when they move out of your room?

HappyHedgehog247 Thu 05-Dec-19 19:13:29

I would have 4 and 7 yo to share a room. It will be lovely to properly welcome DSS into your blended family, although tough timing with the baby. I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.


babycatcher411 Thu 05-Dec-19 19:17:20

Yes I do think realistically when your DP moved in, you both should’ve considered that that essentially meant DSS was too, in terms of contact.

I’d be first inclined to talk to DSS about what he wants. At 7 I think he’s old enough to be starting to have a bit of a say in things. Tell him that your happy to keep the arrangement as it is at the grand parents if that’s what he wants, but if he wants to do it at your home that’s also okay but you’ll have to work out bedrooms. I’d make it clear that even if at the moment he wants to continue you it at the grandparents, that it’s also fine to change his mind later.

Can you set up bedroom 2 so it can accommodate the baby when DSS is at yours? And then make bedroom 3 DSS room the weekends of contact?

I don’t know what else you can do without DSS feeling like a second thought.

Greysparkles Thu 05-Dec-19 19:22:27

I don't understand the whole having to have their own bedroom. I never did, my dad only had a 2 bed so my 3 brothers shared a room and I slept on the sofa 🤷‍♂️ until I was 15, didn't bother me at all

Dontdisturbmenow Thu 05-Dec-19 19:43:54

I don't understand, if he has moved with you and is working ft, why wouldn't he pay towards the deposit and rent when you move in your new rental property?

Baby can share the big room with your 4yo and he gets the small room. If the girls decide they want separate rooms when they are older you can decide then.

aSofaNearYou Thu 05-Dec-19 20:04:00

Well first of all I think it's important that you don't feel guilt- you haven't done anything wrong, it's up to your OH to provide enough money to accommodate his son so in no way your fault you can't magic up a room for him out of your own wages. Why is he earning so little? That is what needs to change given the amount of children he has opted to have.

Personally I wouldn't be agreeing to him doing contact at his parents, it should be at yours, with your SS being part of the family as well as your OH being there to fulfill his responsibility to you and the other children. I don't see anything massively wrong with a 4 and 7 year old sharing for now so I would either have them share and the baby in the other room, or move the baby in with you while he is staying and when the baby is old enough to not share with you, they go in the bedroom with the sibling of the same gender.

Like another poster said, I don't think having their own bedroom that nobody else ever stays in is the most important thing for a child, and if their parent can't afford it then it isn't a possibility. Many children share bedrooms. He needs to be integrated for his sake and everyone else's.

FraglesRock Thu 05-Dec-19 20:38:42

Yes kids can share
Side note why isn't he contributing financially

readitandwept Thu 05-Dec-19 21:04:15

How often does your DSS see his sister in this set up?

Sounds like he must barely know her!

SandyY2K Sat 07-Dec-19 01:41:08

Tbh if I was like the OP paying everything rent wise, I'd want my child to have their own exclusive bedroom, not have to share.

Does your DD have any kind of relationship with her half brother?

I think it's great you're giving this so much thought.

Dontdisturbmenow Sat 07-Dec-19 09:27:16

Tbh if I was like the OP paying everything rent wise, I'd want my child to have their own exclusive bedroom, not have to share
But that's not how it should be in a fair relationship. Everyone should contribute and everyone should be entitled to give the best they can to all their kids.

Sparrowlegs248 Sat 07-Dec-19 09:30:23

Yes dss should have moved with his dad, and started staying at your house, imo. Why can't he sleep in with your 4 yr old daughter? They are 4 and 7.

GreenTulips Sat 07-Dec-19 09:32:19

Why is he away all weekend? Surely they only ‘sleep’ at grandmas house?

There’s no reason for you OH or DSS to not be home.

That needs addressing before you move house - so he feels part of the family.

Sparrowlegs248 Sat 07-Dec-19 09:32:44

Sorry, that sounds harsh and I didn't mean it to be. I think it's great dss has got his space at GPS but he should be part of your family too. Does your OH bit come home at all, all weekend?

GiveHerHellFromUs Sat 07-Dec-19 09:35:10

Is the baby a boy or a girl? Surely DSS will have the 3rd bedroom in the new house and the baby (when old enough) will go in with either its brother or sister?
The baby can always stay in with you for longer when DSS comes over if you're worried about crying etc.

Does that mean DSS doesn't actually even know his 4 year old sister? That's so sad.

aSofaNearYou Sat 07-Dec-19 09:36:38

Tbh if I was like the OP paying everything rent wise, I'd want my child to have their own exclusive bedroom, not have to share.

I think this is a fair point tbh. The elephant in the room is that her partner doesn't seem to be contributing to anything, which obviously needs to change given how many children he has.

MustardScreams Sat 07-Dec-19 09:40:33

You as a family have 3 children, it’s not your two and your dh’s one. That’s the whole point of being a blended family. Of course he should have moved DSS in when he moved.

Imagine being that little boy and not having a place at his own father’s home.

Why doesn’t your OH pay anything?

Tbh if I was like the OP paying everything rent wise, I'd want my child to have their own exclusive bedroom, not have to share.

No, you don’t punish a child because their parent is useless. You find a way to work around it.

Sparrowlegs248 Sat 07-Dec-19 09:44:53

Also, I don't think there is an issue at all, with dss sharing a room when he stays with you. Many 3 children families do this full time.

If he doesn't come to you at all on his weekends, I'd start off by doing that. Build up to staying if need be.

MyNewBearTotoro Sat 07-Dec-19 09:52:35

The 4yo and 7yo can share a room, once your SS gets to around 10 I wouldn’t expect him to share with his sister but at 4 and 7 it’s appropriate.

Bibidy Mon 09-Dec-19 15:47:10

Why is he away all weekend? Surely they only ‘sleep’ at grandmas house?

There’s no reason for you OH or DSS to not be home.

This is a good point, does your MIL live close enough that they could spend at least one day of EOW at your place and then just go back to MIL's to sleep?

I do sympathise though, I'm in a similar situation though we do only have OH's children in the mix at the moment. He does bring his kids back to our flat from time-to-time, but space issues just mean it's so much easier and more comfortable to spend most weekends with them at his mum's.

Does your OH intend to leave you alone for the whole of EOW even after your baby is born? I wouldn't be happy with that at all, particularly with a 4 year old to look after as well.

Bibidy Mon 09-Dec-19 15:49:04

PS. My SS and SD share our bedroom when they stay with us, and they are 10 and 6. There is no issue at all.

I'd explore some bunk beds for your daughter's room if I were you. That is, if you want 3 kids around the house EOW pretty soon!!

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