The ex and the step daughter

[5cottG1980]

Ok firstly I'm not entirely sure if fathers are allowed on mums.net , let me know

Anyway I've recently split with my ex partner for the 2nd time but this time it's permanent, the first time was 6 months in and maybe I shouldn't have gone back but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
she has two teenage kids , one 17yr old boy and a 16yr old girl.
Brief background , I have two children of my own who live with there mother and we get on ok , there's a little bit of friction now and again but it's generally ok , I have epilepsy so it's not really safe for me to have my children on my own so I have to spend time with there mother when I see them . Which my ex didn't like which I understand but she didn't compromise with me at all .
She wanted me to play a paternal role to her children which I was fine with but I didn't really click with her son , I tried but there was just no bond whatsoever but her daughter and I were really close , I loved her like she was my own and I still do .
Now her mother and me weren't married so she wasn't officially my step daughter . I know she's gonna be angry and upset with me for leaving her mother , I was public enemy number one last time and I've not heard off her at all this .
I really don't wanna lose her out of my life but it would have been wrong to pretend everything was fine with her mother when it really wasn't . The thought of never seeing her again brings me to tears.
I want to write her a letter to maybe explain my side of it or tell her that I will always be here for her and I hope she will eventually forgive me.
I was told by someone that since I was no longer with her mother that it would be inappropriate for me to send a letter to a 16 yr old who isn't officially my daughter.
My argument is that if her mother and I were married it would be fine but since there's no piece of paper it's now inappropriate

What should I do and what do you think ?
Please help ?

[PurpleFrames]

It's not inappropriate if the situation is as you've explained it. I think it's actually nice that you want to be involved. Perhaps send a text forst?

[SandyY2K]

Don't send a letter. If her mother is not on board with the relationship between you and her DD continuing....just leave it. Especially as you don't get on with her son.

You have no reason to apologise for the relationship ending either. I would focus on your own children if I was you.

I don't think I'd be too happy if (as a teen) my dad was striving to keep a relationship with the daughter of his Ex GF.

[Magda72]

Op listen to @SandyY2K - she's 100% correct in everything she says.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

My argument is that if her mother and I were married it would be fine but since there's no piece of paper it's now inappropriate

It wouldn’t be any different. When you’re a step parent, with vanishingly few exceptions and then usually only after decades, your relationship with your step children is dependent on your relationship with their parent.

I’m married, have two step kids who I’ve known more than half their lives, and a baby with my husband, never broken up in the past, but if we split up or he died I can’t see how my relationship with them would continue. It’s shit but that’s how it is.

Your situation is completely different. You can and should focus your attention, investment and love on your own children.

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I'd say it depends on how long you were together. Dp and I have raised our dc together, and are step parents in name only, to all intents and purposes we are both parents to the others dc, so of course our relationships with our step children aren't dependent on our relationship. And in the event we split up, biology wouldn't come into it.

A shorter relationship with a traditional step parent role is entirely different

[kitk]

No way. I don't see me and DP ever splitting but if we did and he contacted her in this way I'd be furious. It couldn't be less appropriate

[Isitme13]

I split with my ex last year.

We had been married/together for over 18 years. I had 2 step children (obviously adults now, but children when I got together with their dad).

I have no relationship with them now, which is very sad. The only time I see them is when dropping my dc off at their dad’s, if they happen to be visiting.

It’s not my choice, they have (rightly) sided with their dad in what they see as an acrimonious split (mostly because of what their dad has told them, but it’s not my place to say or do anything about that, nor do I have any inclination to do so).

If your step daughter is 16, then she is old enough to make up her own mind. She presumably has your contact details if she wanted to use them. But I don’t think you should try to do anything her mum is against - that just puts your step daughter in the middle of it all.

[Ibizafun]

I disagree with most of the advice here. I think it would be only a positive thing for her to feel you valued her enough to want to be part of her life. I would write to her, explaining how you feel but also saying you respect her mother’s feelings and would only keep in touch with her blessing.

[fairynick]

A young girl I grew up with had a stepdad who’d been in her life since she was around 8. When she was around 14 her mum and stepdad split on tricky terms and her mum hated her stepdad and there even though the girl begged her mum wouldn’t let her see him.
The girl saw her bio dad once a fortnight and when she told him what had happened and how heartbroken she was, he would pick her up on his weekend with her and take her over to her stepdads so that they could spend time together.
You can’t bring someone into your child’s life make them a parent to your child through their life and then all of a sudden take it away just because you don’t have a relationship anymore.
At 16, she’s practically an adult and will be able to decide herself what she wants to do about it all but of course may be confused at the moment. I think maybe a text to see how she’s doing is a good idea and then take it from there.

[HeddaGarbled]

I don’t think it’s acceptable for you to pick one child from a pair of siblings to be close to. The fact that you did this shows that your relationship with your partner’s children was not a genuine stepfather role, because no decent father would demonstrate such a blatant preference.

[MeTheCoolOne]

I disagree with HeddaGarbbled. The kids aren't young and if one didn't want a relationship with the OP then why would he force it. As long as he treated them both well and fairly otherwise.

OP, I'd send a message to the daughter. Write it in the expectation your ex might read it. I'd say what you said on here - that you valued your time with her and that you would like to keep in touch but only if ok with your ex and her daughter.

Maybe you could send a message to the lad too. Acknowledge that you didn't get on but say you glad to know him, maybe find a few compliments and wish him well in the future. Maybe that way it will look like you are trying to be considerate of both of them.

[sassbott]

I think the kind thing to do would be to be able to write a note to the child (yes at 16 this girl is still
Emotionally a child) to say it’s been a privilege to know her and share an amazing portion of her life. And to thank her for that. And to let her know that should she ever need a friend, your door is always open.

That’s the kind way people should act when they leave someone’s life. This child didn’t ask for you to come into her life and nor did she ask you to leave. Sadly these sorts of things leave their scars on people. I’m always so disheartened when I read that step families split and someone just disappears from the life of a child. Without a good bye (although I appreciate these situations are deeply fraught).

When push comes to shove however the person who would need to be most open to this is her mother. If she isn’t then you sadly need to respect that these are her feelings and she is unable to separate her relationship with you to that of the one between you and her child (its very controlling IMO when adults do this).

And if you’re unhappy in this relationship, then it accept that ending this also means the end of any relationship with her children. And move on.

Don’t write anything if the mother isn’t supportive. Move on and hope that one day as an adult, this child will seek you out independently.

[ysmaem]

I wouldn't send a letter. Just leave it. If the daughter no longer want a relationship with you then you'll just have to accept it and move on.