Ex not spending maintenance on kids

(242 Posts)
Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 17:41:06

What to do in this situation.
My dh pays a lot of spousal and child maintenance to ex wife and supports his oldest at university.
However DSD is always asking dh for money and says her mum has no money.
For context the ex has about 2300 net per month- no mortgage as my dh took his pension in the divorce and she took the equity and bought a house outright. She has no car to pay for either.
That amount may be underestimated.
My dh has now set up a standing order to give his daughter an allowance each week so she has a bit of money. He's knocking this off the child maintenance. DSD is 17.
Am I wrong to think that 2.3 to 2.5k is quite a lot with no housing costs?
There were no debts from the marriage

OP’s posts: |
Stegosaurus1990 Thu 28-Nov-19 17:46:04

Are you sure your DSD isn’t just trying to play your husband?

I get it’s frustrating, but actually, what exW spends her money on isn’t your business. Your DH has a responsibility to contribute to the kids and as long as he’s meeting that anything beyond isn’t really for negotiation. If your DH is struggling with affordability or is entitled to now reduce payments (kids being older etc) then that’s a matter for him.

I am a SM and Mum involved in my situ pisses money up the wall on botox and champagne then comes cap in hand for school lunch money. It’s frustrating but I remind myself that kids have a cost associated with them and DH is not only legally, but morally obliged to contribute. We can’t control what happens at the other end but aslong as the kids are well provided for it’s tough IMO.

OrangeZog Thu 28-Nov-19 17:48:37

It depends. Surely money is spent on household bills, food, travel (you say no car but do you mean no car finance but still day to day costs or bus/taxi/train), presumably any school uniform and clothes, education equipment, cosmetics and toiletries, telephone, things your DSD takes for granted but costs money... Are you saying your DSD doesn’t get any of these and has to completely pay her own way for everything (rent and food inc) but your DH pays maintenance to his exDW?

ScabbyBabby Thu 28-Nov-19 17:49:37

Depends where you live.

How much maintenance does he pay?

Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 17:52:24

It is his business if his child is not being looked after when he pays a lot of maintenance.
DSD says her mum says we don't pay much. As if. I can't give too many details of why bills are low as it will be outing.
And what does she plan to do when both kids leave and maintenance for them stops?

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Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 17:53:21

Ballpark 1500 a month
I'm adding up now and I think income prob nearer 3k

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Stegosaurus1990 Thu 28-Nov-19 17:53:46

What she does when maintenance stops really his concern.

How is she not being looked after if DH is providing her an allowance and deducting that from payments to exW?


Stegosaurus1990 Thu 28-Nov-19 17:54:26

Sorry-isn’t your concern.

hsegfiugseskufh Thu 28-Nov-19 17:55:54

It is a lot of money, however she can spend it how she likes. Nothing you can do about that.

I would say no to dsd though.

Who cares what she does when maintenance stops. Not your problem!

Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 17:56:07

The allowance to DSD he has started this week to her directly.
North west England not expensive area

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Fairylea Thu 28-Nov-19 17:56:58

Hmm. Difficult one as I have a dd aged 16 and trust me they could have the equivalent of the lottery jackpot and still say they don’t have enough money....! It’s a very money minded age. Everything they want is branded and expensive. Are you sure the mum hasn’t just had enough and is saying no and she’s coming to you hopefully? Maybe the mum is buying the basics but the dd is saying that isn’t enough...

StrayWoman Thu 28-Nov-19 18:01:24

Stop paying the ex and pay DSD directly.

PurpleFrames Thu 28-Nov-19 18:02:38

Dad obviously isn't bothered about giving money otherwise he wouldn't set up a direct debit to give even more direct to daughter.

So why are you concerned?

This is a defo a case of what not to stick your nose in. It'll only end up with you looking bad.

Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 18:03:18

He's giving some direct and taking it off maintenance

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MzPumpkinPie Thu 28-Nov-19 18:04:25

I think DD is having her daddy on !
Mum isn't providing anything for her at all ?
She's not being fed and she's dressed in rags ?
Honestly I think this is your husbands issue, as it's his ex wife and his daughter.
If he is unhappy, then he should be talking to his children's mother.
It's not down to you to decide what you think she should get or how she spends her money.
Sounds like a court order is in place , so if you're not happy convince him to go back to court and see if he can get it changed.
Just to clarify I am not in your husbands ex wives situation.
I'm married with DC though .

Hooferdoofer37 Thu 28-Nov-19 18:05:35

If your DH took all the pension pot, then perhaps his ex is putting a large sum into her pension each month; she'll need something to live off when she retires.

It's a lot harder to build a decent pension pot beginning when you're middle aged rather than when you're in your teens/20s.

It isn't for you to judge how she spends her money.

Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 18:05:38

Yes she maybe having him on so hopefully the direct payment will sort that out

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Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 18:07:03

It makes me laugh when people say it's not my business when every other money issue on here goes on about 'family money'

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hsegfiugseskufh Thu 28-Nov-19 18:08:35

But its her family money. Once hes given it to her its up to her what she does with it.

I say that as a "2nd wife" with a dp whos ex is one of the most irresponsible women i know.

Mrskeats Thu 28-Nov-19 18:09:33

So give it and say no to extra then?

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IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory Thu 28-Nov-19 18:09:59

Stop paying the ex and pay DSD directly.

So the DD can set up direct debits for half her share of the electric gas, food, buy half of all her own toiletries, clothes travel etc?

crimsonlake Thu 28-Nov-19 18:10:02

He cannot unilaterally decide to suddenly do this. Expect an Enforcement Order through the court in the next couple of months.
Is it Global Maintenance, or is it Spousal with Child Maintenance separate?
Is it Court Ordered?
As has already been said it is none of your business how the ex spends the maintanance.

MzPumpkinPie Thu 28-Nov-19 18:10:01

You sound really bitter towards the ex wife to be fair.
I don't think anyone would say spousal support and child maintenance is "family money" .
It's the first wives money and nothing to do with you.

Firefliess Thu 28-Nov-19 18:10:08

It's a risky strategy as his ex could go through the CMS to get him to to pay her direct including back pay off he's underpaying. Or if he's paying less than a court order says he should then that could get him in trouble too. We had similar with my DSC whose mum was being paid a lot more than she spent on them but giving only £5 a week pocket money (to a 16 year old) and wouldn't pay for all sorts of things out of it. But in the end we paid as eldest DSC was getting caught between her parents each thinking the other should pay things and she was the one losing out. We could afford to pay for everything so we did.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory Thu 28-Nov-19 18:10:55

Who is currently feeding, clothing and housing the child?

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