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New baby(65 Posts)
I know I'm at risk of being torn apart, but long story short is I have a 10 yr old DSS. We've always had a good relationship and our time with him has always very much revolved around doing lovely things for him etc (days out, holidays etc etc).
I now have a newborn baby, and I resent that most weekends are spent essentially tagging on to activities purely for my DSS, which basically means i sit in cafes in trampoline/climbing centres with my baby or stay at home on our own. If we try to do things like stay in and play etc DSS becomes moody and rude saying he's bored etc.
It's the first time I've felt regret over being with someone with a previous child. I know its bad to say... but i really resent him and find myself dreading when we have him (which is about 50/50).
How long have you been with your partner?
Welcome to a family that involves more than 1 child.
Whether they are your children or step children, once you have more than one you do spend you time tagging along with baby. It's just life.
@Wildorchidz oh sorry I thought I'd mentioned it, together for 7 years
Second children tagging along to activities is really par for the course in most families. Stopping those activities right now would just cause DSS to blame the new baby. You don't all have to trek to everything with them though.
The one positive is that you will never be the first time mum who needs to put her child down for a nap at 12.43pm for 67 minutes of complete silence. Second children tend to be much more adaptable.
@Dandelion1993 I do understand that and have told myself that, the problem I think is:
A) as we don't have DSS all the time, I think we actually do more than the norm (we've essentially made a rod for our own backs)
B) as a SM, I can't really discipline him like I would my own child. If he were my own I'd tell him to stop being selfish and that there has to be a compromise with our time and basically to suck it up for the time being whilst the baby is so small.
We also don't want him to feel pushed out by the baby, especially as he isn't with us full time. So it's a little more sensitive that the standard non blended family (if that makes sense?)
Is this more about the amount of time your partner spends with your baby op? Are you getting a break?
@lunar1 I understand your points and totally agree that we don't want him to resent the baby. I guess my hormones/tiredness etc are just making me wish we could focus 100% on the baby and doing nice things for her - I then resent the fact he would have had total dedication to him when he was a baby (I know that pointless and a bit unreasonable to think, but I can't help it!)
@OvalCanvas I think that's another key point, whilst their off doing fun activities that we can't partake in, I'm often doing stuff on my own (my NCT friends etc tend to be doing things with their partners at the weekend), and I feel a bit lonely, isolated and obviously really tired!
Try to remember that it is lovely your baby had a sibling and there are benefits to that too. When the newborn becomes more interactive they will have more of a bond and baby will love older brother and vice versa. For now fitting baby in with dss is easier than other way around, it will even out later.
If he were my own I'd tell him to stop being selfish and that there has to be a compromise with our time and basically to suck it up for the time being whilst the baby is so small
If dss was your ds1, the time allocation would in all honesty be the same or possibly less! You and your dh have every other weekend to give undivided attention to your baby. How many dc2s get that in 'non blended' families?
But if he were your own you wouldn't be stopping him doing activities he did pre baby.
You don't have to go to every activity your dh can take him alone.
He's not being selfish not wanting to make sacrifices for a baby he didn't ask for.
Could your partner take both kids to a neutral activity , like lunch and some time at the park and give you a bit of a break? And possibly book a day of leave for some time with just you and the baby?
wish we could focus 100% on the baby and doing nice things for her
I'm not tearing you apart but you must see that as your dd is dc2 that is unreasonable?
All very valid points. We do have him more than 50/50 when it comes to weekends due to his DMs work, so it's been about 7 out of the last 9. But i know I'm being unreasonable.. I just can't help feeling this way, and it's probably as it's my first child so I'm a little more sensitive about things. I'm sure if I had another I'd be more rationale.
@OvalCanvas once DD is better with the bottle I'll absolutely be suggesting this she's just too fond of BF at the moment and it's hit and miss she'd be okay for a prolonged period of time
wish we could focus 100% on the baby and doing nice things for her is he with you every single weekend op?
Can i suggest some of these trips you simply stay home.. An hour in a trampoline park you can chill out at home.. SS gets some 1-1 time with Dad.
The other thing to drop in is to a 10 year old , babies are very boring don't talk, laugh, talk even move..They will bond more as they get older.
I also think maybe think of more structured games you can do at home.. Board games, do things when baby naps..
Remember your baby gets to be with his dad 7 days a week DSS doesn't.
can you plan an activity that will work for both of them..not sure how old a newborn but swimming.. baby won't stay in as long but both get and activity..
I know, and I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do :-(
As a PP said, maybe once she's bigger and there are more benefits to having a sibling, I'll feel better about it.
Tbf your baby cares not one jot where it is as long as you and your boob are there.
I do sympathise as my ds was born on ds's birthday.
Spent the 5th day pp trawling round a big shopping centre at ds's insistance...
First off, remember that baby won't remember any of this, but DSS will.
Not every activity will suit both ages but there are some....
- trip to the zoo / aquarium
- craft places / pottery painting
At this time of year lots of Christmas activities could suit both, have a look at events near you, the National Trust properties usually fave things going on.
Also keep an eye out for places that DSD will like that have a small soft play area that baby can explore while he's taking a break in the cafe. Places such as Sea Life usually have these.
Legoland discovery centres would be good for both too.
mrnoballs I do understand how feelings may not follow logical thoughts
It applies to all aspects of life and most of us have to work hard at focusing on the positives and not dwelling on things you can't change.
Simple mindfulness techniques can help so that you are able to keep hold of the wonderful aspects of your life right now.
I’m in the same situation with baby DS and DSD who is 8. When DS was a newborn and it was all about naps and BF we certainly didn’t do everything we normally do with/for DSD. Neither child is a precious OC anymore so both will have to give and take a bit as they grow up. So DSD regular clubs stayed as was but no exciting/expensive trips etc. DSD just dealt with it and we are pretty much back to normal now. She loves her brother though and was delighted to be around to help choose his outfits, play and get to know him.
It sounds like your DSS is a little bit stuck in his ways if it’s been all about him for a long time and all of a sudden there’s this tiny baby in the mix. I’d try to nurture his “cool big brother” instincts a bit, make it nice to spend an afternoon pottering about sometimes instead of being all go every single time.
Don’t let your feelings take you over before you deal with them! It sounds like you’ve worked hard to build a nice relationship with DSS and it would be a shame for this to ruin it
I'm a SM. It is perfectly possible to love your step child very much, yet also feel sad that you aren't having the perfect 'first time mum' experience you always thought you would. It doesn't make you a bad person!
There is a similar age gap between DSS and DS, and it was hard in the early days, but it gets better. I tried to encourage DSS to have extra one on one time with DH, so that he didn't feel excluded.
As far as the disciplining goes, I know it's not a popular opinion on here, but the only way I know how to be a step-parent is to parent my DSS as if he were my own child, which means disciplining him at times. All parties concerned are happy with this and it works for us, I know that's not the case for everyone.
Just imagine for a moment that your DSS is your own child (remembering it is ACTUALLY your DPs own child) and what would you have been doing with them both right now? You'd be taking your own son to his activities whilst traipsing the baby round too wouldn't you? You need to treat the DSS as your own too and not be resentful. Your DP obv does too as he's his ACTUAL dad. He has 2 children
Without wanting to be harsh I think you are being a little unreasonable. At the moment there are no real activities that baby can join in on so doing things that keep the older child occupied is life regardless of if it's a step child or not.
The older child is always going to need more occupying then a baby but maybe you need to talk to your DH about time for you. I think that would help.
I think your resentment is probably more aimed at DH then DSS because his life hasn't really changed where as yours has been turned upside down.
Babies as lovely as they are are hard work especially when breastfed. Things will get better though. It won't always be like this. X