Bio father is a bad guy

[peelingpaint]

Hi, this is my first time posting so sorry if I get stuff wrong and go on for ages

I have 2 kids, ds7 from previous relationship and dd2 with boyfriend, who’s lived with us just under 4yrs. We’re starting the process of boyfriend adopting ds, which ds is so happy about its lovely.

Ds’s bio dad is a guy I had a brief fling which ended before I discovered pregnancy, I informed him, he didn’t want involvement but wasn’t bothered if I went ahead, and became verbally abusive and threatening (in out-of-the-blue texts mostly). Finally at 8mo pregnant I called the police and got both a civil and criminal harassment order against him. No contact since.

I’ve always been open to a point with my son - he knows his father’s name and job, that he looked a little bit like Bruce Willis 😬, that we spent time together for a little while and the guy wasn’t ready to be a father. I used to say he was a nice guy and fun but knew that he wasn’t ready to be a parent. Ds has sometimes expressed interest in him, finds him intriguing understandably. I’ve gently said that he was quite mean to me, maybe because he was a bit scared or worried and didn’t act very well. I never will tell him the extent of what this guy said/threatened, it’s awful and unnecessary.

I’m having a hard time figuring out how to explain to ds that his bio father was actually not a great guy. I’m pretty sure that if he was offered the chance to meet him he’d be very excited. He’s understood when I’ve said he wouldn’t be allowed to meet him until he’s older, because some of the feelings might be too big and too hard for him when he’s young - but I don’t know if he’d remember that stuff if it was actually on the table. Obviously this will all come up in the adoption process and he will be spoken with about it by social services. I have no idea how bio father will react when approached, he could be still angry, or not care, or have kids, or have died - and all of these possibilities are quite scary to me in terms of how this is felt by my little boy.

My boyfriend is stable, loving, committed, honoured and a great annoying/embarrassing dad - I have every confidence that this is the right thing to be doing and will be long term wonderful. I’m just nervous of how to navigate dealing with this toxic man with my very sensitive and emotional son. Sometimes I think these things seem lots more straightforward from the outside so am hoping for a bit of advice! Thank you if you’ve read this far, you deserve a medal 🏅

[isaidaflip]

Honestly it sounds to me like you are dealing with this situation perfectly and it is so bloody lovely that you've found a good egg that is willing to adopt you son. I would just continue to be as honest as possible with you son and as he gets older and can understand more you can explain in detail and always give him the option to meet his father if you think you are both ready. X

[Winterdaysarehere]

At 21 my dd met her as then absent df.
He was a big let down as she anticipated. She walked away with no regret.
He had initially walked when she was 2 yo. I never slated him to dd, she told me she never felt she had missed out.
You are doing great op.
Ime your ds will respect your decision..

[peelingpaint]

Thank you isaidaflip that's really nice to hear x I guess my issue (which I think wasn't clear in the post, sorry) is that was always my plan, that the information evolves as he grows sort of - like it went from him giving me a seed to help make a baby to us having sex and it made a baby by surprise - but now that we are pursuing adoption he will be asked by our social worker how he feels about his bio dad, if he wants to see him etc. And that by starting the adoption process we're sort of allowing the guy to get involved. (He could've tried before of course, and never did, but the request to adopt could potentially get him interested). Thank you so much for replying x

[LetsPlayDarts]

Could you delay the adoption process?

Whilst I see it's a formality you would like completed, I would be concerned about the emotional effects of the process on your DS.

Have you asked exactly what this process would entail for him?

[peelingpaint]

Thank you winterdays. Wow what a huge experience that must have been for your daughter. And you. Thank you for sharing.

Yes I'm certain if they met my son would be like whaaaat - I mean even if he was the Dalai Lama it's hard to meet up to a child's mythology. And he probably looks less like Bruce Willis than I imagine!

[peelingpaint]

Thanks letsplaydarts. Yes I have done - the local authority have to compile a report which involves a social worker visiting us. They'd speak to my son, likely through play, drawing a picture etc, about how he feels about the whole thing. They gave the example of 'if you had to go to a desert island, can you draw the people and things you'd like to take with you' - so not stressful really. The LA contact the father and don't share contact details for the family, it's just a straight asking permission. He can try to block it but again it's up to the LA to decide if they would allow him to contest it. I still have copies of my affidavit and evidence of threats from 2012. I think in reality it wouldn't be stressful for my son but my head goes to the same place as you and I worry!

[peelingpaint]

Also re the emotional process - his huge relief and joy is kind of the thing spurring me on. He has coveted his sister's certainty about her parents and he adores my boyfriend. But I do totally get where you are coming from and am prepared for some big and complicated feelings from him.

[LetsPlayDarts]

Sounds like the process is pretty straightforward and the relief of knowing everything will be sorted would be amazing.

You sound like you're doing a great job!