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This is such a weird one...

(35 Posts)
MsTalie Tue 19-Nov-19 15:43:21

I just wanted to know if I'm in the wrong here. I'm also new to the lingo on here so forgive me. Me and my partner have 2 children, DD who is 14 months and DS who is 2 months.He has a daughter from a previous relationship DSD who is 14. We have been together for 10 years and him having a child was never a problem. I wasn't one to expect him to buy me things, take me out all the time etc because he had a child to provide for. I would happily have weekends cancelled with him for his DD and so on.

Ever since our 2 children have been born, he has contributed NOTHING towards the things they need, nappies, milk, clothes etc. He does however pay the rent and bills so I must give him credit for that but anything our children need has been zero from him. And I'm not exaggerating, it's literally zero. All through both pregnancies and both our children's lives so far he hadn't bought a thing! Anything I couldn't afford my Mum had to buy it. Not even a pack of baby wipes he's bought for our babies. Whereas, for his own DD he buys everything, expensive clothes, trainers, days out, school fees anything she needs. Which he absolutely should don't get me wrong but he can't keep only buying for 1 child when he has 3. He covers child maintenance payments on top of all the things he buys her and still won't even say 'ok we've run out of nappies for our babies so I will buy it'. His DD guilts him into buying her stuff because she's jealous of our 2 other children (she hasn't even met her lil brother yet because she doesn't want to) If his DD asks for money or clothes etc and my partner doesn't have the money he finds a way, he borrows it or gets it on credit he does what ever he has to do. When I ask him to buy nappies or milk because we've run out he says Sorry I've got no money. And trust me I wish I was exaggerating when I say he buys nothing for our children ever. It's like he feels that because he lives with our children and sees them everyday, that all his money should go to his DD.

Baring in mind that he does pay rent and bills am I wrong in thinking that he should help me buy things that our babies need?

OP’s posts: |
HowDeepIsYourGlove Tue 19-Nov-19 16:09:09

That is absolutely appalling. He has 3 children not 1.
Without sounding critical, did he want more children or did he agree to your DCs under duress? How does he get away with paying for nothing at all? Do you not have joint finances, and if not, why not?

Hanab Tue 19-Nov-19 16:16:19

Work out a budget together ... you say partner so I am assuming not married ..

If he can support 1 child he must support the other 2 ..
if you split up what then? You have to pay for the kids & accommodation & bills? Can you manage? He should have realised having more kids means spreading his income further.. the 1 kid cannot get everything ...

You have money .. working or benefits .. it does not matter .. he should contribute.. in the end he is a dad of 3 not 1 ..

MellowBird85 Tue 19-Nov-19 18:22:08

This is classic Disney dad misplaced guilt syndrome. He’s a twat buying luxury items for one child and refusing to buy essentials for the other two. I’d be livid!

funinthesun19 Tue 19-Nov-19 18:35:37

my only logical answer I can give to you is to get rid of him and claim child maintenance.

He’s got 3 children, not 1. He needs to cut out luxuries for the oldest and provide his share of essentials for the younger ones. Any decent parent would do just that.

sassbott Tue 19-Nov-19 19:39:51

This is deeply unhealthy and just really quite horrible actually. I read a lot of threads and try and think about the other POV, but in this instance I really can’t.

The part that jumps out (the zero money to one side) is that his DD refuses to meet her half sibling. And is guilting him into spending more money on her. What is he doing to manage that situation?
How (if she has staying contact) has she not met a baby who lives with her dad? Logistically how has that happened and why has he allowed it?

Sorry but this sounds like very divisive splitting behaviour is happening in your own home. DSD is rejecting (as a result of jealousy) her half siblings (understandable) and your husband is essentially siding with her. It strikes me that it’s him and his daughter against you and your children.

How on earth has this happened? Did this happen when the first child was born? It’s a really nasty dynamic that needs breaking asap. He chose to have two more children, and as such his eldest needs to adapt (in the same way that siblings have to adjust when a baby arrives).

Strikes me that he doesn’t want to. He gave you children, his priority is his eldest and the onus is on you to pay for and raise the other two. I hate to ask, but did he want more children?

sassbott Tue 19-Nov-19 19:41:22

And no you’re not in the wrong. But this is going to take a lot of work to correct. And the question is whether he will even want to. Your poor children.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory Tue 19-Nov-19 19:43:08

Sometimes I genuinely struggle to believe some of these men exist but I know they do.

Utterly baffling. I couldn’t respect him. How do you OP? He doesn’t support his children.

PollyFeather Tue 19-Nov-19 19:46:02

Well the sensible thing to do is to sit down with him for a finance budget review. All income documented, likewise for outgoings. Then you'll see where you are.

So tell him that. It's time to work through the finances.

If he won't do this then you have your concrete answer

LatentPhase Tue 19-Nov-19 19:54:18

Wow, yes, weird is one way of describing it..

Surely you have spoken to him about this? What on earth does he say?

DesMartinsPetCat Tue 19-Nov-19 20:04:34

Struggling here to figure out why you had a second child with him when you saw he didn’t support your first one.

Anyway.

This isn’t normal and your two children will grow up with serious issues when they see what’s happening.

He’s a loser, so lose him.

AnneTwackie Tue 19-Nov-19 20:08:29

Is he a good dad otherwise? Does he rationalise this arrangement ie. I’ll pay all the bills if you can sort out things for the babies? I don’t understand how this even works, I’d just be getting those things in the weekly big shop along with the food from the joint account.

AnneTwackie Tue 19-Nov-19 20:09:24

Are you both working/on mat leave?

Tyersal Tue 19-Nov-19 20:11:34

Not good that he pays for one and not the others. When you say he pays rent bills etc is he paying all the rent and bills for your joint home and you are paying for the kids?

weymouthswanderingmermaid Tue 19-Nov-19 20:16:25

Who pays for the weekly shop (which I assume will include nappies etc)?
Does he flat out refuse, of you ask him to maybe pick up a pack of nappies on the way home?

Elieza Tue 19-Nov-19 20:42:58

Perhaps he has no clue how much things cost and thinks what he pays is half the running costs for everything? Write down what you spend and what he spends on stuff and compare. It’s the only way to show how unreasonable he is being. Or indeed how wrong you perhaps are about how much you think he is paying if he pays much more council tax or mortgage or whatever than you realised! Talk.

itsgettingweird Tue 19-Nov-19 20:46:36

You live together for 10 years and have 2 children together.

Do you not have joint finances?

Do you work? Or do you look after the children while he works? What income do you have and who gets what?

It's not a case of he pays for rent/bills etc. It's a case of family finances.

MsTalie Tue 19-Nov-19 21:37:17

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and reply. I will try to remember all your points as I answer.

My partner did want more children with me he was the one who kept suggesting we have a child for years actually, I just wanted to do it when I was ready. Our 2nd child DS was a shock hence the very tight age gap (DD 14 months and DS 2 months). I was on the pill and religiously taking it without fail as I didn't want to bring another child into this. And it took me a while to discover that pregnancy as I was convinced it was impossible for me to be pregnant. Either way, DS was there and we both decided to go through with it and tbh he seemed happy especially when finding out this was his 1st son.

And everything changed when his ex found out he was having another child. We managed to keep our DD a secret from her until I was 8 months pregnant because she is poisonous and we knew problems would start. Even his own DD knew I was pregnant and kept it from her Mum! His DD seemed to like her lil sister at first and when she was newborn she would actually help me out. Then one day her attitude just changed! The guilt trips started, the demands for money got ridiculous and we spiralled into this situation. Then once my second pregnancy became public knowledge it got even worse. His DD hasn't met her lil brother yet because she now refuses to come and see her Dad, it's like her jealousy turned to hatred almost and she wants hardly anything to with her Dad or 2 siblings. Yet, she still wants money though...

I have spoken to him multiple times and argued. His reasons are always the same, his DD is against him and he must be a good Dad to her, his ex keeps threatening him with court CMS etc she's claiming that her and her DD can't afford to even eat (but runs her own successful business) his ex threatened to kill herself and also made up a story about social services going to take away their DD if he doesn't provide for them. And he has fallen for all these sob stories and ridiculous claims! His DD now does the same emotionally blackmails him to getting everything and anything.

We've been together 10 years but have lived together for 3 and no we aren't married.

He feels like because time goes into our 2 children then money should go to his other one. And he's clutching at straws thinking the more money he throws at his DD then she will come back to him.

OP’s posts: |
ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies Tue 19-Nov-19 22:02:08

Sounds like the ex has manipulated your SD to behave like this, possibly even encouraging her to ask for money and things.

Selfish.

And your partner must be thick as fuck to go along with it (sorry, that's strongly worded, but it sounds like he needs snapping out of this right now).

I feel terrible for you, left with the financial burden alone, and being sided against by your own partner. And how sad that there's no chance for a relationship between all the siblings together.

I would be tempted to say to him to go through CMS himself and potentially even ring SS about the situation to check their position on what was said (it's obvious it's lies but it sounds like he needs to hear this himself).

I'd be so angry if this happened to me. I guess I'm feeling angry it's happening to you.

SandyY2K Tue 19-Nov-19 23:42:34

I wouldn't be happy with this situation and would honestly be making quiet plans to leave the relationship.

Purely because I'd grow so very angry and resentful, getting to the point of hating him, which isn't healthy for anyone involved.

The whole situation would make me feel attracted, to the point of not wanting him to touch me...that's game over.

He can start seeing his second set of DC on a schedule and pay CS.

carolinelucaseshandbag Tue 19-Nov-19 23:49:49

@MsTalie OP you haven't explained the context; does your DP pay for the weekly shop? If you ask him to pick up a pack of nappies on the way home, does he flat out refuse or just forget? When you could not afford to pay for nappies, did he say "tough luck"?

MsTalie Wed 20-Nov-19 00:29:03

@carolinelucaseshandbag He does a monthly shop and stocks up on mainly freezer stuff and tin stuff. The things that won't run out so quick. But anything that runs out during the course of the month is me so milk, bread, fruit, etc plus the baby stuff formula, nappies, wipes etc.

When I ask him pick up nappies, wipes etc etc he always says to me he's broke and he has no money left. But I did later find out that he had been holding money in his account to give his daughter when she asks for it. (From overhearing a phone conversation) When I confronted him about that it turned into an argument where he was saying how under pressure he is from his ex and his daughter and now me apparently! He said everybody keeps demanding money he don't have and it was left at that.

OP’s posts: |
Tyersal Wed 20-Nov-19 06:56:43

So who pays the rent/mortgage gas elec etc etc

sassbott Wed 20-Nov-19 09:16:46

Ok. Have you had an open joint conversation about money? Is he paying the correct amount of maintenance per the CMS calcs?

Start a spreadsheet. Totalling income in and outgoings. Calculate the amount of child maintenance he should be paying. Then resolve the financials like two mature adults who have three children to support and a family to run. This isn’t rocket science and nor is it time for him to have childlike tantrums over everyone making demands and having no money left. I would have loved more children with my new partner. Guess what? We couldn’t afford it given we already have children and they need looking after. I hear DS bless him was unexpected, well, you both made the choice to bring him into this world and you both now need to figure out how to make this work for everyone.

The alienation from the mother is an entirely separate topic and needs to be treated as such. Money will not fix that. And nor will it fix the fact that this woman is threatening suicide, and emotionally manipulating the child. What is your partner doing to secure contact and ensure she continue to come? Because I’m not being funny but at her age, it’s not her choice about whether she wants to come or not. That’s the first early sign of parental alienation (giving children a choice as to whether they see their other parent or not).

sassbott Wed 20-Nov-19 09:20:57

I should add, nappies and wipes may be expensive. But so is nursery. Child minders. Nannies. School holiday care. You have circa 12 years ahead of you of exhorbitant costs (unless you have family around who can help). 11 to 12 years until your children can go to school alone, be left alone after school. Be left alone over school holidays. But then kicks in the phones, phone plans, nice trainers etc etc....

The money convo doesn’t get any easier.

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