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What will it take for you to go home?

(14 Posts)
Helpordont Thu 14-Nov-19 21:16:18

DH has a difficult relationship with ex. She is a narcissist and a bully. Uses DSS as a pawn when she doesn't get her own way. I used to make an effort with her, but have now stopped as can't 'fake' a friendship with someone who causes my DH so much angst and upset, however I am always polite and civil. She demanded a meeting with us both as DSS is showing signs of anxiety. This meeting however was more of an ambush. She refused to meet in a neutral location but in her home. She basically wants rid of me. She said DSS would see DH 24/7 but it's me that's causing the upset. That I would be better going home to my parents and what would it take for me to 'go home' (we live abroad) That DH is welcome to see DSS as much as he wants but I am no longer involved, that DSS is too anxious to come to our home if I am there. Deep down I think this is partially because I rebuffed her friendship. But mostly it's just because she is angry and bitter. Any advice ?
Married 5 years. DSS is 11.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Thu 14-Nov-19 22:20:20

You don’t need any sort of relationship with her, don’t have to meet with her or ever talk to her. She’s not your friend. She and your husband can discuss their shared son as required and he should make contact arrangements official if he hasn’t already so she stops using DSS to get her way.

NorthernSpirit Thu 14-Nov-19 22:36:49

Sounds like parental alienation on her part.

You don’t need to have anything to do with her and personally I wouldn’t by going so you are fuelling her fire.

Your OH needs to formalise contact through the courts.

My OH’s EW is a narcissistic bully and you can not rationalise with these people. They are bullies who want everything their way and they don’t care about the damage they do to their own children.

A formal contact arrangement is the only way to stop her silliness.

ChilledBee Fri 15-Nov-19 08:46:38

that DSS is too anxious to come to our home if I am there.
Your DH has to establish whether this is true and act accordingly.

NoCauseRebel Fri 15-Nov-19 08:59:06

Well, as much as I wouldn’t agree with her tone or demands, the question is, is it true?

Just because your DH picked you doesn’t mean his DS has to be happy about it.So what is the issue really?

We do get people on here who say that their dc don’t like/get on with their partner, and generally the replies are that they should listen to their children, and that if they genuinely have a problem then they should get rid of the partner and put their children first.

My DS doesn’t go to his dad’s because he doesn’t like his partner. EXH wouldn’t split up with her and I wouldn’t demand he did as it’s not my business and they also have children together. But he has taken his DP’s side and that has just meant that DS refuses to go there at all.

The ex is wrong to start issuing demands and talking about withholding access, but you need to be honest here about how the relationship really is between you and your DSS.

Annaminna Fri 15-Nov-19 10:32:05

I am surprised you are giving in that type or demands.
We never did, when BM had her strange demands we just ignoring those. My OH is dealing with her tantrums and I am disengaging myself 100% from their drama.
Are you sure you have your DH support or he is just a puppet his ex can order around like a footman?

Today, when you already made BM believe that she can bossy you two around you have harder job to get it back in balance.
Start with meditation and counselling. DSS is 11 so he can explain himself, keep that crazy BM out of equation. Don't let her intervene!
If needed then you have to go to court.
Choice is yours really.

Learnding Fri 15-Nov-19 16:22:15

Crikey, she's asking you to 'go home to your parents' when you've been married 5 years, that's insane.

How was your relationship with DSS up until now? Was there ever a turning point in your relationship with your DSS? Can you think why he may be feeling this way or if anything has contributed to it? (I'm not suggesting that you have done anything wrong, but if you can pin point things which have happened to bring this about.)

SandyY2K Fri 15-Nov-19 23:49:44

Your DH needs to speak to his son and establish what the issue is.

His DS may say what he thinks dad wants to hear depending on the way he asks... but I (as the dad) would gently ask how he feels about coming to the house.

Are there any things he would change if he could?

Does DS have a room at your house?

Does he get to spend alone time with his dad?

Are you strict? Or is your parenting style very different from his mum?

How would you describe his demeanour when he comes over?

Is he relaxed and at ease when he's there?

These are all things to consider and look into. Asking you to leave is not her place and I hope your DH responded appropriately.

ffswhatnext Fri 15-Nov-19 23:53:43

Is it malicious or true?

Helpordont Sat 16-Nov-19 21:17:12

Mostly he is completely fine and comfortable. Other times he can be distant, but not any different from most children.
Think the tipping point was when I refused to have any more contact with her after she was trying to force me to do something I/we weren't comfortable with.
I'm not strict, but not lax either.
DH gets one on one time with DSS every time he is here.
DH tries to speak to him but he clams up. She won't tell us the exact details of what I've 'done' as she's been sworn to secrecy. DH isn't to push it with DSS as the psychologist has warned against it (according to his mum)

OP’s posts: |
IdiotInDisguise Sun 17-Nov-19 11:14:30

Well, I don’t think it is reasonable for any child to call the shots on who their dad/mum should be involved with. As long as you are not doing anything abusive or neglectful, a child of his mother shouldn’t be deciding where you as a wife need to be or not to their satisfaction.

People seem to forget that in families, every member has to compromise from time to time. Divorce is not a marriage with two households, when you part you need to accept that things will never be the same, that people move on and that you will need to adapt to whatever the future throws at you. You cannot kick a woman out of HER own house to give your child the option to pretend his parents never split and he is having a week on his own with his dad.

Learnding Sun 17-Nov-19 12:36:05

Reading your posts, my hunch is that his mum plays a huge role in generating his anxiety but is blaming everyone else. If he picks up that she has sour grapes about your marriage to her exh (which from all the ambushes and blackmail things you described he certainly will have) , that's going to cause conflict in him, almost like feeling guilty for not being loyal to his mum. Its a crying shame when exws use their children as pawns like this.
Its that kind of 'my child is an extension of me',mentality.

Magda72 Sun 17-Nov-19 15:27:58

""Divorce is not a marriage with two households" - @IdiotInDisguise that's THE best thing I've read in a long while!

IdiotInDisguise Mon 18-Nov-19 09:39:32

@Magda72, yet is something that most <still> married/newly separated people fail to appreciate. Neither party can continue to dictate what the other should or should not do, after divorce, suggest/ask yes, dictate, no.

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