Feel like giving up

[Amosh21]

Hi everyone,

Im fairly new to this, so forgive the long post. I will give some background, i have been married to my husband for 1 year together for 5 years. I have 2 children (9 years and 5 years) from previous and he has 1 child (5 years) from previous. We met when both our kids were babies. I am also pregnant with our first together.

We were in an arrangement for my step child to come and stay every second weekend. For some time we have noticed severe behavioural problems with step child for their age and stage, very sexualised behaviour has been noted for some time such as humping on pillows, being very interested in trying to watch their father in the shower etc, we were having to have him lock the bathroom door when the child is here. The behaviour is very erratic also, with the child making lies up to their mother for attention such as, i sent the child outside in the pouring rain to stand for 1 hour while me and my children watched a movie, then they had to chap on a neighbours door to let them in. Bearing in mind i am a senior social worker in a child protection team, this allegation would lose me my job not at least suspend me while its investigated. Anyway this is just one of many lies, but knowing the child is only 5 years old really has me puzzled, i have never came across a child of this age with this intelligence level.

Since this the child has been asking to stay at my mother in laws house on these weekends with my husband, meaning he is away every second weekend. I am due baby any day, but i feel that him staying away so much is causing a major rift between us all and when asking him to stay at home with the child he says thats what the child wants so thats what hes doing. This is 3 hours drive from me.

I guess this is just more of a rant than anything, i have tried everything for my step child to like me and enjoy coming but nothing works. I really feel like giving up on my marraige. Has anyone been in a similar position?

Thanks for reading x

[LatentPhase]

This is very sad, have there always been problems with your relationship with SS?

Is it influenced by your DH’s ex? Are they amicable?

[Amosh21]

When she was about 3 i would say i started noticing a difference in her behaviour, then she would repeat things her mum or gran had been saying. She would ask things that its not appropriate for a child her age to be asking but more recently say things to me such as, i remember i was a baby and mummy and daddy used to kiss all the time. Things like that and my husband would just laugh it off. I have always made her feel welcome and included, me and husband are very careful how we are infront of her. I feel she has alot of resentment but for someone so young its very difficult.

My husbands ex is only on good terms with us when she is getting things she wants such as more money etc. Which we always do our best with extra things for her aswell as maintenance money weekly.

Thank you for replying x

[LatentPhase]

That’s really strange for a 3 year old to say that. But I worry for you that if your DH is not concerned or won’t look into this then you are stuck, I’m afraid.

Do you think your DH is acquiescing to his dd (wrt staying away) for an easier life (avoid the difficulty)?

I would be really considering in your shoes whether blending families is feasible.

With a baby due any day it must be tough.

[LatentPhase]

I hope you’ve alternative arrangements in place for getting to hospital in labour because if he is 3 hours away that could be tricky.

[Amosh21]

Yes i believe my husband is staying away for an easier life, its where all his family live and my step daughter and her mother etc live. But i feel that more of an effort should be made on his part to brinv his family together as i feel like its always been me. I also worry about when the baby comes along as i will be alone with a baby and 2 children 2 weekends a month - im sure i will manage fine but its like hes just leaving me to get on with it. I have had a few scares of early labour so its very well possible that baby may come early but he seems to think all will be fine. Im really struggling just now and my mental health isnt great with everything going on and i wonder if it would just be easier to call it a day and move on with my life with my kids.

Thank you for listening to me rant on. X

[XJerseyGirlX]

So he plans on leaving you with the new baby every other weekend because his 5 yr old demands it? Wow , he is a coward. I really feel for you OP, you'll never come first by the sounds of it.

[Giggles89]

I really feel like your sd's behaviour needs looked into a bit more, curiosity is normal in a child but not that that extent. Also your husband needs to make an effort to have his family all together, running away every other weekend isn't a solution it's just giving in to a 5 year old who in turn will believe the world revolves around her and that you and your children and new born don't matter to him. I would be very unhappy in your shoes and would be letting my husband know how I feel before the baby comes and everything gets more hectic for you.

[Amosh21]

Thank you for your replies.

I have tried to talk to him about it and tell him i dont think this is the right way about things but then he twists things and makes out that i dont want him spending time with my step daughter.

I have been saying for about 2 years now that my step daughters behaviour needs looking at, but again im being made to feel that im saykng something out of turn. At the weekend seemingly she tried to touch her little cousin in her private parts but she started crying which alerted my sister in law. All of my inlaws think this is normal behaviour for a child growing up. But in my career and with my own children i havent seen this type of behaviour. I feel that no one is listening to me and making out im the bad one for portaying step daughter in this light.

X

[Giggles89]

It really isn't normal, If I were you I would be making plans to leave, do you want a newborn baby around a child who could be touching or doing anything to them? Your husband will realise eventually that he isn't doing right by his daughter but that can't be on your head, you have other priorities ie your kids, newborn and yourself x

[Louise91417]

I cant believe the similarities to my situation i was in with my ex. He had 2 children from a previous relationship. His youngest who was 5 when we got together displayed behaviour like this. If i mentioned the behaviour to my ex he would be defensive and call me twisted but as a mother i have to say her behaviour made me feel very uncomfortable at times to say the least. In some ways she could be very immature,in others i was astounded that she could be so calculated especially when it came to telling lies. There was obviously some serious behavioural problems my ex refused to address, which i felt he was totally failing her by doing. My major concern was mainly as to where she was learning this behaviour. It got to the point i refused to be on my own with her as i had seen her tell lies about other people and felt i had to protect myself. This didnt solve anything as she would still tell her dad completely made up stories. He never reprimanded her for telling lies and ignored or pretended not to see her inappropriate behaviour. In the end i had to walk away. I still wonder about her and what has went on in her life to.make her behave in that manner..

[Groovinpeanut]

I think you need to do what is right for yourself, your child and your unborn child. This situation is ridiculous. You're being pushed out of a relationship that you have every right to be in. Your husband leaving every other weekend to do right by his child is not helping anything. What's going to happen when the baby comes? You've all got to be together at some point!
The child is displaying concerning behaviour, your husband and his family are downplaying it, as to address it means something has to be done about it, and questions will be asked.
I in your place would be very wary of allegations and accusations being made by your SD. The inappropriate touching and behaviour is a concern. It again places you, and your children in a concerning situation. I would leave and look after yourself and your DC. Your husband is showing no sign of support for you and his unborn child. He seems to be choosing his child and family over you. You deserve so much more than this.

[lesleyw1953]

For your own protection I think you need to raise concerns with the safe guarding team - and at once. Social worker or not you are very vulnerable to allegations and the last thing you need is for someone else to pick up on this abnormal behaviour and start asking why you - with all your experience - had not! Especially as any investigation could impact on your own children