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Dictating what happens at our home ref bedrooms

(77 Posts)
Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:43:27

So current two youngest Dsc share 8 (dsd) and 9 (Dss). And eldest Dsc (12 dss) is on a daybed in the dinning room. All is fine. Plans are when youngest dss goes to high school to swap rooms so two dss are upstairs and dsd is on daybed. Logic is she's too young now (has medical conditions) plus is staggeringly irresponsible. We have them overnight 1 day in week, eow and half school hols.
Other option was to have three is largest room and split with a room divider but dp didn't want that.
Last night their mom called dp n said she's not happy as middle one dss is sexualised now and wants two boys upstairs or is stopping contact.
This isn't okay for dsd at all for medical etc reasons and we don't wnat to do that. The room arrangements and changes when at high school were all agreed at mediation last year. The children are happy and we have had no behaviour issues (their mother has at her home but we haven't).
Surely she can't dictate contact like this?

OP’s posts: |
smemorata Thu 07-Nov-19 09:45:42

middle one dss is sexualised
What does this mean? Has something happened or she just thinks he is too old to share a room?

Beamur Thu 07-Nov-19 09:46:54

Rather than seeing it as dictating contact, I read it as Mum obviously has concerns about your room arrangements based on things that have actually happened at her house.
I get your concerns about the suitability of the accommodation for your DSD but maybe you need to listen to what Mum is saying and see what's best for the kids.

LetsPlayDarts Thu 07-Nov-19 09:48:46

The DM sounds like shes being particularly awkward unless the DSS in displaying sexualised behaviour. Has your DP asked her what she means by this.

What strikes me about your sleeping arrangements is that a day bed in the dining room isn't suitable for any child long term...surely they need a bedroom, particularly as they are with you for half the school holidays?

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:49:06

I have no idea. Communication is not their strongest point, dp is as bad on this point. Either way they are fine to share and it was agreed specifically at mediation ref bedrooms and future arrangements.
Tbh she's struggling for money apparently and I belive wants an excuse to cut contact to claim more maintenence but I'm a cynic.
There has been zero consideration for dsd in the conversation which given her medical condition and irresposnbaility, she's just at that age, needs to be considered.
Boys sharing at 11 onwards with each other and dsd downstairs as will be 10.5 seems much more sensible and is what was agreed.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:51:15

This is way it has to be, 4 beds are significantly outside of our price range and I affordable.
The bedroom plans were discussed with the Dsc pre move and agreed plus with his ex. Like I said it was expressly discussed and agreed at mediation.

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Beamur Thu 07-Nov-19 09:54:00

Tricky if communication is hard.
I would try and get to the bottom of these comments she has made though. Even if you have agreed a way forward previously which suited everyone, if something significant has happened your DP should be told so he can make an appropriate decision in his home.

GlitchStitch Thu 07-Nov-19 09:58:52

Could the dining room be set up as a permanent bedroom for the two boys?

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:59:01

I agree but she will not move once decided. They agreed a school etc for the Dsc and she threatened to move as the 2 mile commute was costing her too much in petrol... Took solicitors to resolve that as Dsc was happy at his high school.
Hopefully she will provide some info or at least listen to the concerns

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billandbenflowerpotmen1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:00:06

I imagine the children's mother is meaning that the younger children are becoming sexually aware rather than sexualised. And they will be particularly the 9 year old boy. There may have been issues around teasing each other at their mothers home. I really think their father needs to have a conversation with their mother about what it is that's bothering her. My son, at that age, was becoming very sexually aware at that age although my daughter wasn't.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:00:52

No not big enough they would have to have the double room upstairs.
Which is the long term plan.
We have also suggested splitting the double. With a room decider for dss and dsd rather than have a bunk bed but a flat no not good enough. So we genuinely have tried to be a bit flexible

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:02:41

Secually aware isn't the same as being unable to share with their sister while in primary school though.
There is a already a plan in place from when they are 11 onwards.
It's the demand and no discussion that's most annoying, a chat make you aware you may wish to consider xyz would be far more helpful

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GlitchStitch Thu 07-Nov-19 10:04:52

How many bedrooms do you have? Sounds like you are trying your best with the space available but maybe their mum has genuine concerns- the children could have told her they aren't comfortable or there could be teasing going on etc.

Butterymuffin Thu 07-Nov-19 10:07:36

I can see it's annoying to have something demanded. However you keep saying 'it's what was agreed' as if something once decided can never be altered even if circumstances need it, and that is surely as inflexible in its own way.

Your Dp needs to get better at communication because what's really required here is a conversation about what's really the concern and why it's come up now. And then look again at all possible options.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:08:18

3 but we have a non sleeping one year old who is a nightmare and he's in the smallest room.
He's up every hour or two still so me or dp sleep on floor with him... Its unfun.
Dsc in big double, me and dp. In a double so that's the three.
Four bedrooms are easily 100k extra round here and very limited so not an option as we won't get a morggae for that amount

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Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:10:00

It isn't possible to change things for the safety concerns around dsd at the moment. It's the lack of discussion or regard for the fact that we are doing what is best for them that I find infuriating and it's part of a pattern. Treating to stop contact is also not acceptable and completely unfair on the children who regular see their dad.

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Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:10:38

Stupid auto correct... Threatening

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GlitchStitch Thu 07-Nov-19 10:10:46

If you're up and down all night with the baby anyway can't he just go in with you for the limited time they are there and DSD could then use his room?

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:12:32

No we both work full time and we need some sleep. That's a non negotiable

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HeyNotInMyName Thu 07-Nov-19 10:14:06

What is the plan for when they are 11yo?
Can this plan be put in place now?

What are the medical issues with dsd that means she cant be left alone downstairs?

I think you or rather your dp needs to step back and stop thinking along the lines of 'My ex is telling how to live my life in my own house' and look at what is best for the dcs.
It IS possible that the mu has noticed things you and your dp dont, just because they are not spending as much time at your house. It could also be possible that she is a pain.
Talk to your dsd and your dss. See what if there is an issue at your house and at teir mum. Talk to them n a -1 basis too to avoid sibling fighting (if they have any inkling this woud allow them to get 'the bigger room' or whatever).

HeyNotInMyName Thu 07-Nov-19 10:15:52

Maybe also go back to your sollicitor for advice if the issue is basically that you cant do better than you are atm. But the ex is using it as a threat

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:17:30

It's a brain condition. She's been okay for a while but and this was her mother's request, she needs to be on floor by us so we can keep an ear out etc. It something she should grow out of... Fingers crossed.
Dp has already offered a compromise of a room devider with two singles upstairs but no discussion just you will do x or I stop contact.
I suspect it will be mediation again which just feels like such a massive waste of money and unessiary

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:18:45

Yeah solicitor may be way to. Go.. Just seems sad n unessiary tbh.
Oh well I will just ignore n let dp get on with it.
Just makes me sad for the Dsc

OP’s posts: |
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Thu 07-Nov-19 10:21:57

I agree with the dm you need to sort new bedrooms arrangements to boys are perfectly ok to share and the dd downstairs. I dont understand what medical condition would stop her sleeping downstairs? What do you think happens at her dm. As for the dig of maintenance it's really not much more if you lose a night. This girl could be starting puberty periods etc it's not appropriate in the slightest. Especially when the two boys are capable of sharing it makes zero sense.

Caspianberg Thu 07-Nov-19 10:23:11

I would do this:

You, dh and 1 year old share
x2 boys in double
x2 girl in smallest

Downstairs in dining room put travel cot, so if 1 year old sleeps bad one of you move to daybed with him in travel cot.

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