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Who does pickup/dropoffs?

(94 Posts)
Mclibby Mon 04-Nov-19 15:10:44

My partner currently does all drop pickups and dropoffs for the SC, he has them nearly every weekend Fri to Sun and it's about 4 hours total driving each weekend. We have a young baby together too. He works long hours during the week so misses Bath and bedtime during the week. Our only time really as a family is at the weekend. My question is shouldn't their mum be doing some driving too? She doesn't work and has a car so I can't see why not. DP has always just done both trips. He had to move an hour away as she lives in a very expensive area, way out of our price range. If they could share the driving he'd get more quality time with all the kids and be home to put our baby to bed and bath one more night. She won't voluntarily do it so is this how it will always be?

OP’s posts: |
Magda72 Mon 04-Nov-19 16:11:59

Most likely yes. My exdp had similar. Exw refused point blank to do any pick ups or drop offs so if he didn't give in & do them all he wouldn't see his kids.

Wishforsnow Mon 04-Nov-19 16:16:35

It's down to him as he moved further away I think

Screamqueenz Mon 04-Nov-19 17:03:48

My DH did all the PU and DO until we bought the kids cars of their own, but we didn't have a baby as well.

I understand that he wants as much time with them as possible, but if he's leaving all her weekends free perhaps she could do one of the weekend trips?

I know you said she won't do it voluntarily, but has he asked?

Mclibby Mon 04-Nov-19 17:04:14

Has anyone ever had any luck with a court order for sharing dropoffs? Just doesn't seem in the kids best interests to have one parent working full time and killing themselves each weekend with all the driving and childcare whilst the other is available but won't help. It's pretty dangerous him driving on the motorway. I won't let him take the baby on the evening journeys as I think he could easily have an accident one day he's so tired.

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Mclibby Mon 04-Nov-19 17:09:25

Crossed posts there, yes he's asked. Shes particularly eager not to help if it will make his life at all easier...

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Screamqueenz Mon 04-Nov-19 17:14:47

Okay, I've been there, the next question I'd ask myself is "could it get any worse by going to court?"

Unfortunately for you, potentially they'll look at the access and cut it down to every other weekend. Which I'm sure is not a good outcome for you.

However, I'm not a lawyer, so it might be best to arm yourselves with some legal advice and even see how far you can get without court, a letter from a lawyer might be sufficient?

How much does she have to lose? Does he pay over the odds for CM?

billandbenflowerpotmen1 Mon 04-Nov-19 17:24:06

I personally believe that the non resident parent should do the travelling. The RP has the day to day responsibility for the gritty part of parenting, not the fun and relaxed weekend fun. Also your partner moved away from his children even though you state that this was for financial reasons. ( I know that I'd never, ever move an hour away from my children even if I had to live in a tent)

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Mon 04-Nov-19 17:26:48

If he moved away he should do the driving op as pp stated shes doing the majority of the parenting throughout the week.

Kanga83 Mon 04-Nov-19 17:28:13

She might not work but she's doing the daily grind of raising them on her own during the week. He chose to move that distance and although I get you want him to put your baby to bed, surely he's doing that mid week? I can see the ex's point really.

NorthernSpirit Mon 04-Nov-19 17:39:49

IMO both parents should do drop offs & picks ups.

However...... In 7 years my OH has done every single drop off & pick up (we also live an hour away as the mother is still in the FMH & my OH couldn’t afford to stay in the area). My OH works FT mother works PT.

She was asked once if she could help and do one pick up but got abusive so my OH hasn’t bothered again. He knows that she would probably use it as an excuse to withhold contact.

I know he wishes he had written this into the CO.

Good luck OP.

Mclibby Mon 04-Nov-19 17:43:54

Court could reduce contact before making an able-bodied, non-working parent do a bit of driving? That's very worrying. Definitely not what he wants. He does pay over but its the spousal maintenance they agreed so nothing he can do to leverage there for a few more years. With hindsight it looks like he's been too accommodating and dug himself a bit of a hole.

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SunshineAngel Mon 04-Nov-19 17:48:15

My partner has a son with a lady who lives just over an hour away - she moved. We have him in the week, she has him at the weekend. She did all pick ups and drop offs (from school on Friday, dropping him off at school on Monday) - but now he's older he gets the train on his own, which is much quicker for him anyway, plus cheaper, as there's a toll to get through otherwise.

Hooferdoofer37 Mon 04-Nov-19 20:15:27

Did he move away from his DC before you got pregnant? If so you knew the set up.

It's good to see a father putting his DC first for once.

I imagine when the kids are older, they're going to start to hang out with their friends at the weekends, at which time you'll probably want to move nearer to them so you see them more, or you'll see less of them and the journeys will reduce naturally.

stuffedpeppers Mon 04-Nov-19 21:01:23

Sorry 4 hours - 1hr there and 1hr back is not that bad on one day and then again on Sunday.

I used to do Friday - pick up after school, drive like the clappers round the M25/M3 in rush hour - because if I was not there by tea time - they got nothing.
then I turned round - not even the offer of a pee and then hit the M25 again to go home. Good day was 4hrs worst was 6.5hrs!

He moved away - I did it because other wise my DCs would ahve seen him even less because new DP1 did not want him missing out on her DCs and their new DC.

Each side has a valid view point - I worked FT!

NChangeForNoReason Mon 04-Nov-19 21:08:14

You could be me!!

DH does a 2hr round trip every Friday and Sunday. He works long hours in the week and we have a young baby.

DSC mother doesn't drive therefore if he didn't do this he wouldn't see them.

We are currently saving monthly to get driving lessons for 17th birthday (5y away) after which we will buy a car for them to avoid the excess travel!!

Saharafordessert Mon 04-Nov-19 21:15:07

It’s his responsibility

halloweenismyseason Mon 04-Nov-19 21:38:48

My dp doesn't drive and the court expect him to do it, two buses which takes an hour and a bit as the routes are not linked. It's only at 15 minutes drive.
Dm drives and so does her dp so I wouldn't bring this issue to court.
I also believe dp should collect his dc for his contact, and he works shifts so sometimes I haven't seen him but the dm does all the school pick ups.

Hundredacrewoods Mon 04-Nov-19 21:52:02

I know that I'd never, ever move an hour away from my children even if I had to live in a tent

@billandbenflowerpotmen1 The NRP needs a home with adequate room for the children for overnights, otherwise overnights won’t be granted. To say that you’d live in a tent like that’s the moral high ground is ridiculous.

HowDeepIsYourGlove Mon 04-Nov-19 23:11:59

4 hours in total? So an hour each way?
That’s a pretty average work commute where I’m from, it’s hardly a huge distance.
Also I do think the NRP who moved away should bear the brunt of it.
His ExW will be doing all of the day to day care and she had no choice in his decision to move away, so your DP should shoulder than burden as he’s created it.
If he lived locally to his DC then it would be more reasonable to expect his ExW to share the transport.

HowDeepIsYourGlove Mon 04-Nov-19 23:12:31

the burden*

HowDeepIsYourGlove Mon 04-Nov-19 23:14:53

@halloweenismyseason to be fair I’m the resident parent and in that situation I would drop my DCs and pick them up. Not even to save my ex the hassle but because I would think it was unfair on the kids having that long travel situation during their time with dad when they could be dropped by mum in 15 mins

halloweenismyseason Mon 04-Nov-19 23:25:19

@HowDeepIsYourGlove the judge didn't think it was a problem.
Also if the dm did drop of which she previously did before I came on the seen, she would arrive hours late. Had to pop to her dm or go to the shops etc.
Most the time I drop him off and collect, but park down the road.
Dm doesn't mind the missed time in contact so it really is the best option to collect, plus when they do get the bus together, they have time to talk and usually take a detour to the park.
I think it's about making the best of a situation.
My own df used to drive an hour and half to collect me, worked most day 8am-10pm, I loved the drive because again we talked talked talked and it was the time we were just together.

halloweenismyseason Mon 04-Nov-19 23:27:01

Meant *only time.

unicornsarereal72 Tue 05-Nov-19 03:09:12

There are two sides to the situation and the children caught in the middle.

From the rp point of view I work and ensure the children have childcare and get to/from school etc. I also do roughly 50 miles a week to get them too/from their after school activities. Activities we agreed the children would do before we separated.

So when it is nrp weekend I feel justified that he sorts his own transport out. But he has been without a car for a year. So I have done the running around too. Because I want what is best for dc. We are local though so it isn't a problem. Also this way we aren't sat around waiting for him to turn up. So gives me some control of time keeping.

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