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His daughter must always come first

(248 Posts)
MelGrange Wed 23-Oct-19 16:13:57

I’ve been in a relationship with DP for just over a year. We are both 43. I own a 2 bed flat and am considering upgrading to a 3 bed house (in my own name). DP lives in a shared house with 4 other men.

I am infertile. DP has an 8 year old daughter. He picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and takes her out for tea, before dropping her off at her mums at 7:30/8. I work until 5:30 and have a 45 minute commute, I have met his daughter about 10 times over the last 6 months on my work from home days, or when I have made arrangements to leave work early.

DP has cancelled quite a few dates (including a weekend away) recently, due to his ex asking him to look after his daughter. He always messages me to tell me this and adds “sorry but my daughter comes first” to the end of the message. If he had cancelled this many dates due to any other reason, I’d have ended it by now. I haven’t ever tried to arrange any dates in his contact nights and have always been respectful of his time with his daughter.

I think he should have some respect for my time and feelings too though. He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden.

I’m thinking of ending the relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a balance?

BigSandyBalls2015 Wed 23-Oct-19 16:16:20

End it, a relationship like this with step kids is never going to work for you - his 8 year old should come first and it's a very attractive trait in a man.

Raphael34 Wed 23-Oct-19 16:18:46

I’d end it. Children SHOULD come first, but it’s not the child coming first here, it’s the ex. Why is she suddenly repeatedly thrusting the child on him with no prior warning? Is she trying to sabotage the relationship knowing that he’ll be cancelling plans with you?

Greenglassteacup Wed 23-Oct-19 16:18:56

He sounds like a responsible father to his 8 year old and he’s right that she has to come first. Maybe he’s not for you

beethebee Wed 23-Oct-19 16:19:33

A man with children is not for you. Do everyone a favour and end it.

His daughter should come first, he is 100% right. And a good father.

Theredjellybean Wed 23-Oct-19 16:21:15

I had a similar thing.. It wasn't that I minded the cancelled sates, it was the my daughter comes first that pissed me off.
I never asked him not to, I was never a threat to his daughters, I was endlessly understanding... I eventually told him that it was really hurtful that he was insinuating that I was some kind of overly demanding gf who was asking him to choose between kids and me.
He stopped and when we did move in together his older d went to uni and his 13yr opted to live 80% with us.. I was happy with that, I love my dsd and we blended our families well. But it did take a few years of just being understanding

MelGrange Wed 23-Oct-19 16:21:45

@BigSandyBalls2015

Being 43, living in a shared house and having unsecured debt and no savings for a deposit, meaning he can’t buy or rent his own place isn’t that attractive though.

Neither is being disorganised and having a disorganised ex, meaning plans are constantly having to be rearranged. Not many women.

Not many women (that I know) would find these things attractive.

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 23-Oct-19 16:22:25

I think you should break up with him because if true this seems like the way it’s always going to be with his ex calling the shots. You don’t want to end up supporting an entire family but yet have no parenting rights - split up and find someone who is similar to you or has an organised childcare arrangement

Greenglassteacup Wed 23-Oct-19 16:23:04

If you find him unattractive then leave

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 23-Oct-19 16:23:23

I agree it’s never attractive dating someone who is a loser in every part of his or her life.

BigSandyBalls2015 Wed 23-Oct-19 16:23:45

True! That update doesn't sound attractive

Butterisbest Wed 23-Oct-19 16:24:16

Yes, it's good that his daughter is his priority, that's as it should be.
But this stood out to me
He’s dropped hints about moving in when I upgrade to a house, as his daughter would love a garden
That's why I would end this relationship, that's his priority too.
I'd end the relationship now.

Greenglassteacup Wed 23-Oct-19 16:24:40

Doesn’t sound like he is “a loser” as a father to his daughter....

pinkyredrose Wed 23-Oct-19 16:26:48

Why is he dropping everything when his ex asks, that's the real problem. Why couldn't he say he had a weekend away booked so wouldn't be available? Why does she have so many childcare emergencies?

Dangerfloof Wed 23-Oct-19 16:27:02

Being 43, living in a shared house and having unsecured debt and no savings for a deposit, meaning he can’t buy or rent his own place isn’t that attractive though

Neither is being disorganised and having a disorganised ex, meaning plans are constantly having to be rearranged

Not many women (that I know) would find these things attractive

So why exactly are you with him?

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Oct-19 16:27:46

I think I'd end it, this isn't going to change and resentment will just grow. It will get even worse if he's freeloading in your home and his daughter is staying,

Sometimes circumstances means things just don't work.

LoyaltyBonus Wed 23-Oct-19 16:28:21

He hasn't got a real choice, his daughter should come first. You have a choice about whether that's the life you want

MelGrange Wed 23-Oct-19 16:28:34

@Butterisbest. (I agree re the butter)

Would a responsible parent live in a house with weed smokers though? Wouldn’t a responsible parent want to find somewhere to live that was safe for his daughter to go to? He seems to be responsible in some ways but not others.

misspiggy19 Wed 23-Oct-19 16:30:35

*A man with children is not for you. Do everyone a favour and end it.*

^I agree

MonChatEstMagnifique Wed 23-Oct-19 16:30:54

I was going to write about how it would depend on his reasons for his daughter needing to be looked after when it should be her time with her mum. But then I read your last update. You don't seem to like him or have much respect for him or his situation, regardless of whether that's justified, just dump him. It will never work if you find so much of him unattractive.

LoyaltyBonus Wed 23-Oct-19 16:31:01

Sorry, posted too soon. I mean to say that also, the fact that he needs to tell you this on a regular basis is perhaps an indication that he knows he's being unreasonable and is daring you to tell him so and be the wicked step mother.

Get out OP

SprinkleDash Wed 23-Oct-19 16:33:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Wed 23-Oct-19 16:34:11

You dont really rate this guy very much OP...move on

Justmuddlingalong Wed 23-Oct-19 16:34:15

Yes his daughter should come first. But, apart from that causing you an issue, he sounds like a trainee cocklodger.

QueenWhatevs Wed 23-Oct-19 16:34:38

You don't seem to have much respect for him - which isn't a criticism, but it is a sign that this relationship is dead in the water.

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