When the mom is on self destruct what can you really do?

[OhNoNotMonday]

I have DSD and DSS - 19 & 15.

Relationship with mom is strained at best between DSD and her mom, for the last 18 mnths it has been one drama after the other - I was inclined to think 3 sides to every story and have pretty much defended mom to DSD (she is pregnant with first child so old enough to understand that life is complicated and not everything is black & white). Lately their relationship has hit rock bottom - DSD hasn't seen her properly for weeks, can't stand boyfriend (moms) refuses to engage with him, complains mom is horrible to her and has shown no support with pregnancy (now she did for the NHS scans but when she had 4d and went to show mom pics, mom told her it not all about you and refused to look ended up arguing and mom told her to leave). DSD complains that mom is always drinking and stoned and refuses to let her have baby when he is here (have told her she will probably change her mind). Mom puts things on FB saying she will kiss newborn on mouth and does't think it can be unsafe - causes all sorts of drama.

I have tried so hard to sit on fence, never run her mom down or join in BUT this weekend, went to take DSS home. We don't wait for him to go in as he is 15 - usually just jumps out after hug, waves us off then goes in. This week he called me 10 mins later saying the neighbours came out and gave him keys telling him that mom and boyfriend had had a row and the police were called again and mom had been taken to cells - he was so upset and we found out that this is not the first time this has happened (last time he was there but police took him to her sisters as she said he didn't know his dad). He has been covering for her as she has told him if he tells us or his sister what goes on then he will be taken off her.

DSD called us at about 9.00pm on Sun telling us mom was home (we dropped DSS at 6.00 and then went and picked up again 10 mins later). Not once did she message us to see if he was ok or him. DSD said she was still obviously a bit drunk because she didn't even ask where he was and told DSD she was just working late. We told him he could stop at ours anytime and he knows he can move in if he wants but his mom is his mom and he wants to live with her. We have him EW anyway BUT I am so frustrated.

I am fast running out of patience and am so sick of defending her but I won't hurt him or dsd by commenting negatively about her so now am just at a loss with what to do or say, he messaged me last night to tell me all was calm at home and he was ok but then I have dsd on phone saying mom is such a lier and always victim.

How do I help both of them when they are both so different without getting into it about their mom?

Sorry bit rambled but it is just going round and round in my head.

[ColaFreezePop]

Now you have an idea of the truth of their mum's dreadful behaviour you can stop defending their mum. Simply point out they can't control their mum's actions without commenting on her actual behaviour and tell them they have a choice in how they respond to her behaviour. Keep repeating this.

In the case of your DSS also repeat that he has the choice of living with his father and if he thinks his mother's actions have an impact on his schooling he should consider it.

[RainbowBlanket]

There’s not much you can do as they’re both old enough to make their own decisions, but I’d make sure DSS knew he could live with you or stay with you whenever. And just listen to to DSD, don’t try and defend her mum. Does DSD live away from home?

[OhNoNotMonday]

Yes DSD has her own flat with her boyfriend. She is at ours most weekends in the day on a Sat & Sun. She moved out last August. Told us at the time is was because of the rows but admitted a couple of weeks ago that her mom had physically assaulted her and that was the final straw.

I don't know how we missed it all - we see them EW. She did say that she was didn't tell us because she was worried we would get her brother removed from her mom.

in contact with DSS daily through messenger, and he is back at ours this WE so will just keep letting him know that he is welcome whenever he wants & living with us is always an option - even if he only wants to do it for short time. He has promised me that the first sign of trouble he will message me and we have agreed that I will call him and make up an excuse that we could do with his help for something so he can stay without his mom thinking it is due to her.

[mankyfourthtoe]

And make it clear to him that even if he moves out he can go back and visit mum anytime.