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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Step children not being invited to wedding

26 replies

Janella1 · 09/10/2019 15:29

My brother is married to a lady who has two children and he also has two children of his own. His wife's niece has invited my brother and his wife plus her children but omitted by brothers children. They're all around the same age and they all get on very well, there are no issues.
I feel it's not very sensitive to my brother and the boys have been left out and treated differently. They're now a family unit with regular contact, her children have other dads to so are away at the same time as my brothers children with the othe parent.
What woukd you do in this situation?
Should my brother go with his wife and her kids and the boys be left out?shoukd he not go and allow them to go? Or should both my brother and his wife not attend as it's quite insensitive? My feeling is the latter.
I appreciate wedding's are tight for numbers and it's the bride and grooms day etc... But this seems very thoughtless in my opinion. I'd have said no children rather than just two.
Plus his wife is saying how excited her kids are and doesn't seem to get that that boys will feel left out.
Would appreciate feedback

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ChaosTrulyReigns · 09/10/2019 15:31

What does your brother think?

Janella1 · 09/10/2019 15:32

He's upset but hasn't told his other half

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 09/10/2019 15:39

You're understandably upset for him, but as you say weddings can be restrictive in number and the niece has to draw the line somewhere. She's invited the DC she has a (stronger) connection to.

I think just accept it.

Iloveacurry · 09/10/2019 15:43

Does the niece, who’s getting married, have any relationship with your brother’s kids? I assume the kids don’t primarily live with your brother. If this is the case, I wouldn’t expect them to be invited.

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2019 15:44

It would be nice to be able to have them all, but there's too many things to consider.

E.g. if your brother has been with his wife for 2 years and the children are 9/10 years old then it's not that surprising if his wife's wider family (who I'm guessing won't see them much) have a different view than, for example a situation where a blended family has been together for 8 years and the children have been in one household from babies or toddlers.

TilandPop · 09/10/2019 15:46

I think it depends on the Nieces relationship with the children

misspiggy19 · 09/10/2019 15:47

She's invited the DC she has a (stronger) connection to.

I think just accept it.

^I agree.

Novembersbean · 09/10/2019 16:00

What is her relationship like with the two sets of kids? Does she see them both equally and have the same level of relationship with both?

Loveislandaddict · 09/10/2019 16:07

I think it depends on how long the step kids have been in the family. If they have been an integral part of the family, then they should be invited. If only recently, then I guess that’s why.

Could you have a word with the niece, and explain you now come as a family unit. Maybe she didn’t realise she was being insensitive.

user1493413286 · 09/10/2019 16:14

Does the neice have any contact with your brothers children? Has she met them or seen them regularly? How long have they been married and do the the children live with their dad?
It’s nice to invite step children but If I’m honest then I’m not sure DH and I would be surprised if his DD wasn’t invited to some of my relatives weddings as my DSD sees little of my family just because she’s not with us all the time so DHs family are prioritised.
I think it’s a bit much not to go to the wedding.

EileenAlanna · 09/10/2019 16:15

I think your DB could reasonably decline the invitation for himself without it being a major incident. His wife's niece is hardly a close relationship for him & he could spend the day doing something nice with his own DC.
Step relationships can be tricky. A couple making a decision to marry/live together with all their DC from previous relationships is great but the idea that everyone has to suddenly pretend that the ties of blood no longer exist & one child is pretty much like any other does no-one any favours.
His wife's niece doesn't see his DC as "family" which is fine. Your DB can acknowledge that, hopefully without rancour or fuss, & spend a pleasant day with his DC instead.

MellowBird85 · 09/10/2019 21:20

No I think you need to accept that a relative as distant as a niece will naturally view your SIL’s children as close family but your DB’s...not so much. And that’s understandable. As PP’s have said, weddings can be tight in numbers. These are the type of things stepfamilies have to deal with, it’s just not the same as a bog standard families.

Janella1 · 09/10/2019 21:23

They have been together 8 years and the children are 10 & 13, so a long time. Hers are 11 and 15.
They have the children at the same time and her an extra two days a week.
They were all invited to my brothers wedding where the children were present

OP posts:

Novembersbean · 09/10/2019 21:49

Does them having them often actually translate to the bride having a close relationship with them, though?

converseandjeans · 09/10/2019 21:54

I can't imagine that the kids will be overly bothered about not going to a wedding!
Has the niece even met DBs children? Do they have a relationship at all? I can't see why she should invite children she hardly sees,
I think it's all a bit of a fuss about nothing.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 22:08

So they have all been living together for 8 years - since the children were toddlers/pre-school age (for the most part)? So the niece must see the same of all 4 children?

If that's right I think she is being really unfair to not invite all of them to be honest.

Loveislandaddict · 09/10/2019 22:30

8 years. That’s a long time. They’ve been part of the family along time. I think it’s unfair not to invite them. Had it been only a year, I think the situation would have been more unstandable.

Hopefully it’s something as simple as a numbers game, rather than a deliberate slur.

ColaFreezePop · 09/10/2019 22:42

His wife's niece

As a PP said he should simply decline his own invitation as it is not one of his wife's parents or siblings.

If asked why he should simply say there is no one available to look after his own two children. That will make the point that they are a family.

sassbott · 10/10/2019 13:31

In his shoes I would decline. Fully support his wife and her children attending. And plan something fun 121 with his own children so that they return home excited about the day they had!

Both sides win and children get to learn that things like this don’t have to be a big deal (it’s not all about them). Plus. I hated weddings as a kid. If someone had offered movies/ bowling/ amusement park I would have bitten their right arm off to go and bin the wedding.

BlackCatSleeping · 10/10/2019 13:38

Eight years is a long time. I wouldn’t go with just some of the children. That isn’t fair. I’d decline for the whole family.

HeckyPeck · 10/10/2019 17:44

For me it depends what kind of a relationship the niece has with her step-second cousins (if I’ve worked the relationship out correctly!) Has she met them? Do they have a close relationship? If they aren’t close I can see why she wouldn’t invite them.

should he not go and allow them to go?

Re this, it’s not for him to “allow” anyone else to go or not. His wife can decide for her and her children and he can decide for himself. He can’t forbid her from going.

Janella1 · 10/10/2019 20:17

Thanks for the feedback. Allow, was the wrong word to use and it most certainly wouldn't be a case of that.
Thanks

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Annaminna · 11/10/2019 15:33

Janella1
I don't think you should intervene. It is your brothers family affair.
Its her relatives and her family affair.
Bride has always right to invite who she wants. invited quest can like it or not but they don't have rights to extend the list. you are not that quest.

Over all, you are trying to get involved with someones wedding who isn't even your relative of friend.

Janella1 · 11/10/2019 16:04

I'm not getting involved. I'm asking on behalf of my brother. I think it's fair to get a rounded opinion from others instead of reacting straight away. Hence the advice nature of a forum. It's his business but as a man he doesn't talk to many about these things and I want to ensure my response is fair

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GrumpyHoonMain · 21/10/2019 17:37

It’s the wedding of a niece not a sister, so I wouldn’t expect cousin invites at all when there’s a large age gap. That she’s included her actual cousins is kind but she has no obligation to include the step-cousins.

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