Bedroom situation

[CBADotCom]

DP and I are having a discussion about the bedroom situation at my home. I have 2 DS (17 and 13), he has 1 DS (12). I live in a good sized 2 bedroom.

A year ago DSS had to move in with us due to a situation with his mum. As the bedroom situation was far from ideal, we rejigged the layout downstairs to create a small bedroom for my eldest DS, put my youngest and DSS in the biggest room and we had the other bedroom. Plan was to put up a stud wall in the big bedroom so DS2 and DSS had their own space too.

Fast forward a few months and DSS decided that he didn't want to live here anymore - wont give a reason, although we suspect it's because here I have boundaries and expectations, like tidy up after yourself, act a bit independently and gadgets off at a reasonable time. Nothing that DP thinks is unreasonable. But his parents live in a huge house, dote on DSS and do EVERYTHING for him, so DSS went to stay there one weekend and refused to come back. So DP and DSS now live there. DP stays here 2/3 times a week (depending on his shifts - is easier to get to work from here), DSS no more than once a week. DSS wont be coming back to live here as his school has now been changed to one near DP's parents so he can get there and back on his own.

So, the bedroom situation is now that DS1 has small partitioned room downstairs, I have small bedroom and DS2 has a huge room which he shares with DSS no more than once a week.

I want to switch rooms with DS2 - he have the smaller room with a double bed (for him - he's already 5' 9" and a single will be too small soon) with a single bunk above (for DSS); I have the bigger room so I can have more space for my things plus have office space for work again (the office space was what was partitioned off for DS1 room). However, DP thinks that will be yet another reason for DSS to not want to stay here as he's being treated 'unfavourably' by not getting a double bed. I think DSS has his own room at DP's parents home so if he wants a double bed get him one there.

Any thoughts, suggestions, opinions are appreciated. Thank you.

[Mintjulia]

So your DP isn’t committed enough to live with you, which presumably means he isn’t contributing to the rent/mortgage and yet he is trying to tell you how to use your space and organise your children.

Err.......!

[Youseethethingis]

So your DP is allowing his 12 year old child to lead him by the nose and now wants you to fall in line too? In a house that neither he nor his son actually live in?
I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than pander to such utter, utter nonsense. That’s an absolute joke OP. You do what suits you and your sons, end of story.

[NorthernSpirit]

Your house, you get to decide. I wouldn’t pander to his son or him.

[paap1975]

Your house, in which neither your DP nor DSS live, so you decide!

[IfYouWannaComeBack]

He’s not your DSS he’s the child of your boyfriend who doesn’t even live with you.
I would not be factoring DSS into the bedroom situation at all.
If my DP’s kids want to stay over they crash on the sofa or we make floor beds because none of them live here! And my DP stays over probably 5/6 nights a week... it’s not his home though.

[WhiteCat1704]

Your "D"P is taking a piss. His son moved out and lost the opportunity to be part of your household. You do what suits you and your children. Your boyfriend lives with his parents and gets no say.

[ColaFreezePop]

Neither your DP or his son currently live with you they just sometimes stay with you so are guests.

So rearrange your house to suit yourself and your sons plus to put up some guests.

If they don't want to be guests then they need to move back in properly and then you will be able to consider their wishes.

[Witchydearest]

Coughing loudly- spoiled brat

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I agree with the others. If your partner doesn't even live with you and contribute to the household expenses, why does he think he can dictate how you use your space? That's before you even consider that the stepson has decided he doesn't want to stay with you because of your boundaries. Sod the both of them I say!

[Firefliess]

Your DP really moved out just because his DS decided he wanted to live with his grandparents?

He really shouldn't be allowing a 12 year old to dictate where he lives. If he wants his DS to live with you and him he can simply tell him that that's what's happening. Best if he can get his parents on board too to support this. If they won't do that, and think DSS should live with them, then they will need to parent him, not expect your DP to move back home and leave his partner and DSSs.

[Magda72]

What everyone else says X 100!!!
Bloody hell op - it's YOUR house so you get to sort out the living space!
I wouldn't for one minute be entertaining the opinions of a man who is (as a pp said) led by the nose by a 12 year old & who uses my house as a convenience in getting to work.
I'd be inclined to tell both of them to stay put at the grandparents - you & your kids have accommodated them enough.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Yeah, what they all said with bells on. No fucking way do you take orders from either of them. It’s YOUR house and you get to decide who sleeps where.

What’s he bringing to your life apart from hassle?

[Bouffalant]

Is your DP incapable of providing a home for his own child? How old is he?

Does he have nowhere but his parents and yours?

[HeckyPeck]

I wouldn't for one minute be entertaining the opinions of a man who is (as a pp said) led by the nose by a 12 year old & who uses my house as a convenience in getting to work.

Agreed!

[RoseViolet101]

If you have a 2 bed I understand why his son wouldn’t want to live with you and why 5 people including teen boys would just be too crowded.

I agree with a PP- why hasn’t he got his own place for his son rather than moved into his parents house? It read like he’s using you and his parents to provide for his child.

Just do what’s bed for your kids and don’t factor them into your decision. If circumstances change and you move to a bigger house/ combine finances then there needs to be a discussion.

[Novembersbean]

Like others I have to say I struggled to even concentrate on the bit about the bedrooms because I was too busy being astounded that a 12 year old has been allowed to dictate where he lives twice and actually dictated that his grown adult father moved back in with his parents to accommodate that. That's an absolutely ridiculous amount of power.

But yes, he doesn't live with you so you should do what you want with your own house, he shouldn't expect to have a say. He needs to sort his relationship with his son out.

[Rainycloudyday]

Your partner and his son sound awful for many reasons. Put your children first, set out your home in the way that suits them and you, and forget about your DP and his son. I think you’re being used. Here’s an idea, your partner gets his own place, accommodates himself and his son and actually parents independently instead of bouncing between you and his parents.

[spoonyJoe]

I don't see how he is your partner or the child your step-son. He only stays with you when it makes it a shorter commute!

[user1493413286]

I’m confused why your DSS got to decide that he was going to live with his grandparents and make his dad move out of his home, why has he been given so much power?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to swap the rooms and I’d probably encourage it even more based on your DSS being given too much power by his dad in the first place.

[IncrediblySadToo]

Ask yourself this?

WHOSE house is it?

[choli]

I would guess that the 12 year gold's mother was very glad to have him taken off her hands.

[CBADotCom]

Point taken that it's my house and my choice, I just wanted to know whether it would be unfavourable or not, but I guess most feel (like me) not.

Just to clarify a few things:-

DP lived with me before all this happened, hence why I refer to DP and DSS
When DSS said he didn't want to come back here, DP's parents offered him to stay there without speaking to DP first
DP wants to live with me, doesn't want to be back with his parents, but feels he was caught in a no win situation
DP works shifts so couldn't live on his own with DSS (even if he could afford it, which he couldn't - 2 bed places round here start at £1100 pcm)

I do agree the whole situation is ridiculous and that it didn't have to come to this, DSS should never have been allowed to dictate this decision, DP's parents should never have got involved etc etc but we are where we are now so I'm just trying to make the best of a shite situation.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

DP's parents offered him to stay there without speaking to DP first
DP wants to live with me, doesn't want to be back with his parents, but feels he was caught in a no win situation

He seems to have forgotten he’s the parent and he can overrule what his parents say and what his son says. He can also decide where he lives. He’s abdicating his parental responsibilities by getting pushed from pillar to post and he’s not doing anyone any favours by being so weak willed, least of all his son who apparently thinks he’s the boss of everyone around him. If he was already a bit self centred this will have confirmed he’s the boss of the adults in his life and what he says goes - a nightmare scenario to be honest.

You have a choice here, to join your partner in letting a child dictate how you run your home or to put your foot down and say no, you’re the grown up, you have other people to consider, you’re not being bullied. Put yourself first.

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

DP doesn’t live with you- he doesn’t get to reserve rooms at his house for his child. You get total say on all rooms now. He moved out.

[ColaFreezePop]

OP your DSS is 12 not 16, 17 or 18.

No court would let him dictate that he can't live with one of his parents where they live and are happy to house him.

You are actually lucky in hindsight that your DP and your DSS has moved out. When the DSS gets into trouble when he is older you can simply refuse to let him stay in your house.