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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Is it her business?

142 replies

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:19

Recently lost a pregnancy and have really struggled with feelings of embarrassment and loneliness.

I saw a few posts online about pregnancy loss awareness and how we need to be talking about it so people don't feel it has to be hidden and so with DHs consent I posted on social media that we have been through this and if anyone feels alone, they aren't and that I will be there to listen and talk to them if necessary.

I never put personal things on social media but I just felt like I should offer support because I really could have done with it when it was me.

Anyway, someone has screenshot it to husband's ex who he has a child with and she has messaged him to say we should have told her, she shouldn't have had to find out that way etc...

AIBU to think that actually no, we didn't have to tell her that I'd miscarried?

I'd understand if we announced we were having a baby but are we really obliged to share news of a pregnancy loss? It hasn't affected DC in any way. I went to the hospital with my mother so that DH could still have his contact day etc... I'm always very conscious not to be upset in their presence and other that the odd day where I've been 'poorly in bed' they have been none the wiser.

Both our families and close friends already knew.

OP posts:

Report

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 10:23

I'm sorry for your loss op, I'm assuming it was an early loss and the kids didn't know yet? So she hasn't had kids upset at hers and no idea why? That's the only way I can see she'd be right to want to know. Otherwise none of her business and if I was DH and knew who had done it I'd block them.

It was really brave of you to share and I'm sorry you've been feeling embarrassed and alone xx

Fabellini · 07/10/2019 10:24

Firstly, I’m very sorry for your loss.
Secondly, absolutely none of her business - obviously if things had worked out differently you and your dh would have been having a conversation with his dc, and he might have mentioned it to her then - but this sad situation is nothing to do with her.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/10/2019 10:25

Absolutely none of her business.

I’m so sorry someone took what was a very personal thing for you to share and caused all this upset for you.

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:26

No I wasn't showing and we definitely hadn't mentioned anything to the kids yet. I did have to have a medical management which was pretty traumatising as it was a missed miscarriage that we discovered at an early scan (8 weeks).

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2019 10:28

Sorry for your loss OP

Nothing to do with her. I hope DH told her that!

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:29

I'm upset as well because although he initially said he thought the same thing when she messaged him, he seems to think she has a point. All those people on social media know before the mother of my kid kind of thing.

But to me, unless it affects her DC I don't really understand why I'd have to tell her anything. It's about as personal as you can get.

OP posts:

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:30

No he didn't which is what upset me the most. He just didn't reply.

OP posts:

Chew2 · 07/10/2019 10:32

None of her business imo, myself and dh won't be announcing any pregnancies or anything to his ex, she will here about it through the grapevine, sometimes I see on these boards that exs think they need to know the ins and outs of their exs lives after they have separated, our relationship is our own and only things that directly affect his kids that cannot be discussed with the kids will be passed onto his ex, nothing else. My dh always has to remind his ex i don't need to know about anything in your life other than what effects the kids.

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:39

I feel like he just goes along with whatever she says sometimes for an easy life.

Like he said he agrees it's not her business but what would be the point in starting an argument with her over it?

I think it's important to say. It doesn't have to be an argument just a polite 'we didn't think it was something we needed to share with you as it doesn't affect DC'. So that at least she knows are standpoint on things like this.

But he just thinks it's fuss over nothing and why do I care etc...

OP posts:

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:39

Our standpoint**

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 07/10/2019 11:55

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Absolutely nothing to do with the EX, absolutely no need to inform her.

When I got engaged and my OH told the kids and then emailed the mother to let her know (so it wouldn’t be a surprise to her when the children returned home). A vitriolic Email reply was received from her stating ‘how dare he without discussing his intentions to get engaged’.

These women think they are queen bee and the world revolves around them!

Ignore, ignore, ignore....

nailsathome · 07/10/2019 11:56

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means? I told my ex before we announced a pregnancy so that he didn't find out through the grapevine which is what has happened here. It's not the mc she's talking about specifically, it's the ttc.

I'm sorry for your loss too, I've had 4 of them and it sucks.

CallmeAngelina · 07/10/2019 12:13

Some people just have to make things all about them.
Sounds as if she is one of them.
Annoying that your dh won't stand up for you on this one though.

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 12:16

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means?

No but I don't really see why that would be something we'd discuss with her first either to be honest.

OP posts:

Bluebell9 · 07/10/2019 12:18

When DPs ex found out I was pregnant, from the DSC who were really excited to tell her, she questioned DP why he haven't told her we were trying for a baby and wanted to know how long we're had been trying etc! DP told her it was non of her business.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 12:18

sorry for your loss op

its absolutely none of her business and I would be swiftly blocking the "friend" that sent it to her.

Teddybear45 · 07/10/2019 12:21

How old are the kids? She’s probably assuming that as you posted it on SM and close family / friends know that you may have told them too? Or, if they are old enough, perhaps they have read about it for the first time on SM? While I agree in most cases the mother of your DP’s kids shouldn’t know, if it will impact the kids (or the kids are going to find out) then in that case your DP should have mentioned it so at the very least the kids could be supported by the resident parent.

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2019 12:22

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means?

It doesn’t matter if that’s what she means. She’s bang out of order either way. It’s all a very personal matter and you do not need your husband’s ex’s blessing before you TTC.

If it’s about not being told about the miscarriage, again it’s none of her damn business. It’s weird of her to think the op would have told her!

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2019 12:22

Sorry for your loss OP

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 12:29

The kids are young, not on any form of social media so definitely won't have seen it.

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SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 12:51

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means?
If DP mentions it, suggest you write her a schedule of your sex life with positions too as well as posting her a monthly pee stick. She's mother of his kids, not owner of his penis.

Hope you've got some rl support x

IncrediblySadToo · 07/10/2019 12:58

You are 💯 % correct.

She didn’t need to be told, & HE should have told her so when she complained. It’s NOTHING to do with her, she has no special right to know about YOUR loss (which I’m
Sorry to hear about 🌷) before ‘everyone’. In this case she is as much ‘everyone’ as anyone else. Flaming cheek. And yes YOUR DH needs to act like YOUR DH, not still her ‘bloke’.

IncrediblySadToo · 07/10/2019 13:01

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means? I told my ex before we announced a pregnancy so that he didn't find out through the grapevine which is what has happened here. It's not the mc she's talking about specifically, it's the ttc.

That’s one if the weirdest posts I’ve read on MN. WTAF would anyone tell their EX they were TTC? Tell them first that you’re pregnant, before any shared children, sure but TTC. - yeah. NO

FieldsOf · 07/10/2019 16:46

YANBU at all Op. Of course it's none of her sodding business. Absolute lunacy. Honestly I despair sometimes.

Hope you're holding up okay

Witchydearest · 07/10/2019 16:59

She sounds delightful 🙄 it’s absolutely none of her business. It’s unfortunate that she found out the way did! However did you really need that kind of response from her, that doesn’t help anyone. How selfish. Shake it off OP. I’m sorry for your loss

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