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Step-parenting

I hate my stepdaughter.

83 replies

Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 01:11

There. I said it. She has been living with us since her mum kicked her out at 14 so 3 years. We used to get on. I’ve done a lot for her in the past but about 12 months in she decided to turn the hatred she was directing at her mum towards me. She is spoilt, selfish and totally entitled. Her dad (my fiancé) spoils her and cannot see any wrong doing. This year alone he has spent Over £10k on holidays and gifts for her. In the meantime I can’t even make reasonable requests for considerate behaviour without receiving anger, vitriol and dirty looks. It is now at boiling point and tonight I ended up calling her a cunt and telling her that she is the problem and that she is reason her mum kicked her out. I know my language is unacceptable. I just don’t know a way out of this. I’m supposed to be getting married in six months and the reality is I just want to leave because of her. She is utterly unbearable and I cannot cope.

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Shalom23 · 02/10/2019 01:19

What a problematic situation for you to me in. I have no real advice, I ended a relationship as one step son made my life hell. Even now the ex admits the kid was a nightmare. I really really think people say "O but you knew he had children" have any idea what it is like when said child is out to make life a misery.

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DeeCeeCherry · 02/10/2019 01:23

She's his daughter so she's not going to disappear out of your life. Its either put up with it, or leave and be free of it all.

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Rhootintootinboo · 02/10/2019 01:43

Thank you. He does already acknowledge to me that she is manipulative and not a pleasant person. But it never translates into consequences or boundaries. He just caves in the minute she starts being obnoxious.

I think you’re right. There is a door with exit above it. It is a nuclear option, especially as the wedding is booked and deposits paid. He and I had a fabulous summer with not a cross word spoken whilst she was out of the picture on her extended summer vacation. I resent the mother. Kicking her out means she gets to live the life I would like. Apparently this week she has said she feels the best she ever has. I would like some of that. But instead I have been stuck paying for her daughter and living in a pressure Cooker. This is truly a wallow in self pity post! I shall stop. Thanks for the replies.

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Witchydearest · 02/10/2019 06:09

I hate mine too. 🙌 high five. Well done, you’ve said it, feels better doesn’t it. But please make sure your prepared for posters to say your mean and it’s all your fault. The other classic is “ you knew he had children”. My favourite is “ she’s only a child” 🙄 . I validate you op, I understand. I hope that helps.

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ukgift2016 · 02/10/2019 06:14

Boy, the intelligence level on this forum has gone to shit.

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user1474894224 · 02/10/2019 06:17

I think you have to leave. It's not acceptable to call anyone the word you used. You will have no credibility as a SM now - so there will be no way to change the situation. It is his daughter so she is entitled to live with her dad. There is no rule that says mum has to have her. You should go. And if you are correct that dad is in the wrong. And if he truly loves you. Then you leaving will shock him into making the necessary changes. But you have to be prepared for that to not happen.

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KatherineJaneway · 02/10/2019 06:18

He's a poor parent doing his dd no favours by spoiling her. She'll come a cropper when out in the real world because she is so used to being indulged.

Sounds like your relationship is great when she is not around, but trouble is she isn't going anywhere for a good few years, is she?

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user1493413286 · 02/10/2019 06:36

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I do think the problem is your partner rather than your DSD though. You can’t expect her to change without him seeing that there’s a problem and backing you up and putting boundaries and consequences in place.

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Savingforarainyday · 02/10/2019 06:43

You absolutely cannot call a 17 year old a cunt.
Jesus! Have you no control? I hope you apologise. Doesn't mean you should accept that behaviour, but you are the adult.

Perhaps family counselling? She clearly has troubles, your DP is clueless and her mother has given up.

It does sound like you're the only adult that has put boundaries in place...
But calling her a cunt is not on

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Mummybares · 02/10/2019 06:55

Dont get married. End it and move on.
He will never change and she will always resent you.
You said you HATE her fgs. Just leave is my advice. You'll find a less bagagged guy ...

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Mummybares · 02/10/2019 06:59

Yes we actually do know that children make the relationship more challenging thats why its balatantly obvious to everyone seemingly but yourselves not to get involved with a guy with children!!! Thats exactly why!! HmmConfused

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Billie87 · 02/10/2019 06:59

Sounds like you’re the only adult in her life that actually cares about her!! Her own mother can’t be bothered with her, and her father would rather buy her things than parent.
But there’s not much you can enforce being a step parent. I feel for you. Maybe ask about family counselling and if that’s a no, think about leaving...xx

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Mummybares · 02/10/2019 07:00

Cares about her? Calling her a cunt and hating her? Poor girl. Shes being failed by everyone around her. Im hiding this thread as the replies are just too astonishing...

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HoppingPavlova · 02/10/2019 07:02

The problem is not the SD but your fiancé. No point getting married if he’s not going to change and I think it would be only a slim chance at best.

You can’t go around calling 17yo’s cunts. You just can’t. Having had ones myself that try you to the point of breaking I feel your pain but you just can’t do it. Personally, I would just treat them like I would a patient who is a complete an utter arsehole dickwad, outwardly professional (not warm but not rude, just short and factual) but I would scream that word in my head. Not out loud though.

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bakesalesally · 02/10/2019 07:06

Wow, just wow. She is a teenager, she is 17! She isn't going to be like this forever but you have handled this so so so badly.

Before anything happens, you absolutely must apologize. Regardless of anyone's age, mannerisms, you handled the situation terribly and that can't be forgotten. Show her that your behaviour was unacceptable, you recognize this, and wish to change it.

Don't stoop to her level in future. Model good behaviour.

Or leave.

But you cannot treat another human like this, because you are just reinforcing the bad behaviour

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OttomanUmpire · 02/10/2019 07:10

Agree with other posters that she is being let didn’t terribly by her actual parents - as you say, he, the adult, won’t trouble himself with the hard work of parenting and instead just throws money at her. You probably know that what you said to her was unforgivable. I think you need to talk to your DHtb and let him know that you’re at make or break point.

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QueenWhatevraWanabi · 02/10/2019 07:11

Poor kid. There's a reason her behaviour is so awful. She has no security or boundaries and now a step mum that calls her a cunt. Unless your fiancé is prepared to parent appropriately and you're willing to make amends it's best to leave now.

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KatherineJaneway · 02/10/2019 07:13

Cares about her? Calling her a cunt and hating her?

Lots of people snap and swear at someone when pushed over the edge. It's not ideal but it happens.

You can hate someone's behaviour while still liking them deep down.

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CherryPavlova · 02/10/2019 07:14

Poor child sounds desperate to know she has unconditional love and acceptance- and has been failed. Children are hard sometimes. Teenagers who are unhappy at their parents breakup, who maybe feel they are to blame, who have lost all they knew in terms of structure and want nurturing are incredibly hard sometimes.
All the more reason for the adults in their life to provide support and to role model good communication.
Dirty looks are hardly irretrievable hatred. They are teenage behaviour. Money spent is irrelevant and makes you look mealy mouthed and jealous. Money alone and holidays don’t cause bad behaviour or misery. Children aren’t spoiled by having a nice time and nice things.
You don’t sound like you want to marry a man with a teenage daughter - who from your post doesn’t sound that awful, to be honest. A few angry retorts and dirty looks don’t make her the devil incarnate.
If you want it to work stop the jealousy and start showering her with positivity. It’s not an instant cure but it works longer term.

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swingofthings · 02/10/2019 07:14

You've got two choices, you either accept that your feelings are not going to get better and you'll then need to accept your relationship is over because it is never going to be a good one whilst you actually feel hatred towards his daughter.

Or you can try to understand where things have gone wrong. You say that you used to get along with her and it is only in the past 12 months that things have changed. What has changed? If you managed fined for 2 years, then there is hope to rekindle what you had. Could she have a delayed teenage angst?

There have been times when I have found it hard to love my kids, when they were at their worse of teenagehood, but I couldn't hate them because they are my children and it's ingrain in us to love them. I might have hate them at times if they weren't mine. But behaviour changes, and my ds who made me so angry at times, who I thought had just turned out a lazy, selfish, unmotivated, uninterested, dirty person, is now the exact opposite. He is lovely, caring, fun, attentive, communicative and I genuinely look forward to spending time with him.

Your words towards her were outrageous and you might need to consider that your own attitude might have contributed to how things are now. In the end, nothing good is going to happen doing nothing, so either you try to consider what you can do differently, with the help of your oh, or counselling, or you need to accept that this is not the long term committed relationship for you, however painful this is.

I do feel for you though as ultimately, you would have built your life with your oh on the basis of her being a non resident. It sounds though as if you were ok with her coming to leave with you though, so you really need to reflect as to why things have gone downhill from them on. Resenting her mum has no place here. Sadly, her mum giving up on her might very well be why she is acting the way she is. However a pain kids are, unless they become violent, parents shouldn't reject them when it suits them.

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QueenWhatevraWanabi · 02/10/2019 07:14

If you do want to make it work look into therapeutic parenting - in a nutshell it's very nurturing but with clear routine and boundaries - but you need your DH to take the lead.

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Northernsoullover · 02/10/2019 07:19

Poor kid? She sounds awful. I have step children and they are lovely! Even when they are being tricky. Some children are absolutely awful mine went through a phase and fortunately for them I loved them so I could tolerate it. You don't have that bond as a step parent so its fucking hard.
Its not going to work though sadly. You don't have to end the relationship though. Could you live apart? Or were you planning your own family with him? If its the latter, sadly I would walk away completely.

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Billie87 · 02/10/2019 07:28

She was pushed to the edge and reacted. Yes it’s not ideal to call the girl a cunt. But she is the only adult in the girls life that is talking about boundaries and expected behaviour etc. Her mum and dad don’t seem to give a damn about her.

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QueenWhatevraWanabi · 02/10/2019 07:29

Yes poor kid because her behaviour, awful as it is, is a clear reflection of how she has been parented. Blaming children for their bad behaviour is pointless, you need to look at the cause. Hating her won't make her nicer but loving her and giving her the rules and consistency she craves might.

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Greyhound22 · 02/10/2019 07:35

I normally feel sorry for step kids but she's 17 and has everything she want materialistically by the sounds of it and behaving terribly.

Honestly OP I would walk away whilst you still can.

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