I've posted this on AIBU originally but I thought some people here may be able to help me.
It's been a horrible few years for me (and DH), traumatic pregnancy loss, stays in hospital, points where I've wanted to die...
And I hate myself for it but it's really starting to affect the way I see my step children. I don't want it to and I'm trying hard to stop it but I think I need a MN kick! I'm going to try and be as honest as possible though I know there will likely be a lot of upset at what I say...
I don't like them staying anymore. I don't enjoy it when they are with us. I don't feel anger toward them at all, they are good, lovely kids. We get on really well but I feel resentful at my situation and I feel resentful of the constant reminder in my home of what's going on.
I feel angry at DH that he has the one thing I'm desperate for even though logically it's not his fault and I know this.
I feel like I can forget almost when they aren't here. I can pretend for just a moment that I'm okay and it's just me and DH.
Due to various work commitments for both DH and his ex, I end up doing quite a bit of childcare and I don't like doing so anymore. It's really painful.
It makes me feel sick when I see DH cuddling on the sofa with them or carrying them to bed. I feel so desperately grief stricken watching him be a loving parent that I sometimes have to remove myself from the room.
I think I do a good job if hiding this both from H and the children but I feel so guilty inside at these thoughts.
They are good, kind, lovely children and here's me wishing they didn't exist so that I could mourn my situation in peace.
I know they love me, and underneath all this hurt I love them too. I just don't know how to effectively deal with these feelings and it's suffocating me.
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Step-parenting
Fertility problems affecting the way I see my Step Children
36 replies
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 10:44
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