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SC falsely accusing me and DH of neglect and abuse(41 Posts)
In general things were going well. Few ups and downs like any family. But bonded and in general happy.
But ever since the exW and her partner seperated things seemed to go downhill with the children. Mainly the youngest. Playing up terribly in school, weeing on purpose in the hall, arguing with everyone. Full on tantrums akin to a toddlers.
Eldest went more reclusive and distant.
All understood and not judged (although hard) as naturally they went through a big loss, as they were close to exW partner. Relevant or not, partner was moved in within a few months of knowing him, encouraged to call him dad etc. So very much pushed them intk seeing him as good as a dad, bery quickly. Which ended a year after.
Again, myself and DH completely appreciated they were going through a lot. Tried to all work as a team to support and help them.
But now it has come out they've been accusing dh of physically hitting them (never has he touched them for anything apart for affection) then both of us, starving them and refusing to feed them (they eat constantly here and food is always freely available with a help yoursf attitude which they do. Along with two cooked meals and a breakfast done for them), that we never let them touch the tv as it is always baby shows (they have it constantly and if we ask for one half hour for the baby to watch something they get moody) , that i walk around saying how the baby only matters and only she is family (we both always stress all three are equal and we arw a family of five) , that we leave them to look after the baby while we swan off (at best if the baby is acting up and the kids are hungry i ask them to entertain her while i make them something. Always with eyes on them to make sure all is okay and intervening if baby plays up)
Isn't the first time the youngest has accused people of falsely hitting him. Or saying so and so told me to hit whoever. Despite it being glaringly obvious that is not true. With witnesses or sometimes even family videos where he claimed it happened. When it clearly didn't. One example was playing with his uncle, he claimed he was hit. Video playback showed no such thing.
This is concerning me for many reasons. Their mental state as clearly theu are calling for help, just in the wrong way. And for the risk of my family and baby. I am terrified they will say something like that and we will end up with social on our door and possibly losing them and baby!
Both parents seem to think it isn't that big of a deal. ExW although initially fractious, has weirdly bonded with us regardong all of this and has brought us closer as a team. But the general lying seems to be brushed under the carpet a bit and no consequences have come of it all.
I have said that from now on i will not for even a moment be alone with them. As i always want witnesses. We also now have a book to note behaviour and consequences of such with times and dates. Just to have some kind of backlog for our own protection. I have even suggested cameras inside so we call always show video evidence.
Drastic maybe. But i am seriously scared. It has reached the point i dread them coming. As I'm terrified what new storu they will go home saying. I walk on egg shells when it comes to simple things that even their mother and my DH has agreed with me on (not being glued to consoles and tidying up their own things) . And concequences of such. Nothing major and even their mum has said if anything it is softer in that regard here as she expects more from them.
But I'm terrified. I feel like if they don't get their own way, they lie. And i don't want to see my baby grow up watching them get away witj murder through fear when baby wouldn't be. Baby is 14 months and we already have a very basic age appropriate set of boundaries. As we done for all children that spend an awful lot of time in our home.
I just don't know what to do. I hate that i dred them coming now. Because i do love them. But i hate the underlining fear and anxiety it gives me. And it seems to only be me that really sees just how damaging these kind of accusations could be to them, us individually and us as a family.
Our house joins onto my parents and with everything coming to light it has now put them on edge for even being alone with them for a second.
Sorry for the rambling. I just don't know what to do. I'm shaking now just thinking of it all and quite honestly I think if it wasn't for DH and my baby i would walk away completely.
We have done all we can prebaby and especially after the baby ti spoil them and support and love them. Dh went to court and faught his butt off to make sure he got regular contact as exw was at a time difficult. By her own admission.
Just ergh. What on earth do i do?! I have even suggested spending those weekends apart to save myself from the stress. But DH doesn't want that as due to his work schedule it is the only time he really has to see any of us. So it would mean essentially me and baby giving up spending any time with him.
And yes they have one on one, well since this started they both go with dh to respective football games. Saturday and sunday. Which works out around four/five hours each day it is just them and their dad.
It used to be one would stay with me while the othet went to their Match with dh so they did get one on one. But i just can't risk that now.
I feel like such a failure as a mum and stepmum. I love them all dearly but i just can't get passed this anxiety
Ages are 11 sd and 8 ss and 14 months dd if that ks relevant
Sounds like those kids need professional help. You are right to refuse to be alone with them, and I don’t blame your parents for doing the same. What does the school say? It would be useful to get some of this documented by someone outside of the family.
Agreed. Eldest has always suffered from anxiety and took the sudden loss of her step-granddad last year very hard.
I fear both children has faced so much loss the last year with that, the exw partner and i suppose even me and dh having a baby. Eldest has just started highschool as well.
So very much understood they've been through a lot.
DH won't push exW to get them help. Purely out of fear of rocking the boat as she just sees it as a bad period and if anything thinks it is a positive they play up as it mesns they are comfy here. Which would be true if it was just playing up like kids do! Youngest Sc was grounded for 6 weeks from exW but she would never tell us what he done to warrant it.
ExW engages with school and hasn't said much to DH about it beyond incidents and what came of that. Again, DH doesn't want to go to the school behind her back as she would take offence and cause problems.
And tbh part of ke is scared that if professionals were brought in and they said the same lies, we would be subject to a lot of problems.
I suffered pnd when my daughter was born and worry severely they would put two and two together and deem me an unfit parent! Which isn't the case. I always put all three first and my pnd manifested purely out of depression for not feeling my enough was enough.
What is your DH doing about it? Has he taken them to a GP for referral to CAMHS?
It's serious and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with them on your own.
So your DH won't take charge as he doesn't want to upset the ex but is ok with putting you and the baby at risk due to false allegations?
He needs to readjust his priorities.
Dh won't do anything without exW permission. He was beaten down by her severely. No excuse and it winds me the hell up he doesn't just step up himself. For their sake and ours. But i do know from previous experiences thay on the rare time he has taken the lead exW has gone mental.
Which doesn't do the children any favours as she will happily bad mouth him in front of them. As has happened numerous times.
Even if he got them during doctors hours which she wouldn't allow, she would notice on the eldests tracker where they were going and call eldest and demand to be on speaker to berate DH. Again, not a doctor situation but in general it has happened before.
The kids are stuck in a shit position. But so is DH. By trying to keep the peace to stop them seeing more than they need to, he is helping promote the all is okay attitude and actually making things worse
Whitecat - tbh i must admit that i do very much feel that way. It makes me sound like a wicked step mother but i fear he prioritises their wants over the families. Purely througu fear of them and exW.
Which means we are all left walking on eggshells.
If I'm honest i feel that if they accuse us of so much. They are on some level unhappy here. But they won't engage as to why. When asked what would make them happier (after a discussion on hiw wrong lying was etc) . They both answered they wish the baby didn't sleep so much so theh saw her more. Which made me raise an eyebrow as when she is awake nine time out of ten she will go to hug them or play and they flat out ignore her. It fwlt like they were just trying to tell us what they thought we would want to hear.
Doesn't help that as soon as they said that and pulled a sad face DH retracted from the conversation regarding the severity of their lies as clearly they knew they were wrong.
They have just been called out on something major of course they will have a sad face on! Doesn't mean they should have no real discussion on it to make sure they realise just how bad it could be.
I must admit that at that point i did step in and kindly explain to them that obviously if ever anything like that happens they tell people. That if we are doing something thwt makes them unhappy to talk to us as we wouldn't do so intentionally. But that basic rules aren't a punishment, just working as a family. I explained that by accusing us of these things it could result in serious action against us.
I stress it was a calm nice conversation and afterwarda we went on to have a laugh. But i couldn't just bypass it completely when it clearly needed to be discussed.
I overstepped. I appreciate that. But this is also my home, and i shouldnt live in fear in it.
I feel so broken, trapped and scared. I can't leave as i said, our house joins my parents. Nor do i wish to. I love my DH and my dd deserves a family unit thay isn't split up out of fear. Sc deserve a stable family unit with us as well.
DH is spineless regarding exW. But i do understand why. I have discussed with him that he needs to get proper advice legally on hiw to handle this matter as it is a ticking time bomb.
I also appreciate that it is likely my hormones are making me more on edge regarding it all as i am currently five weeks pregnant. Children do not know, and i am terrified on what may come when they do.
Also yes, baby was planned. Yes we knew they were playing up. But we had no idea on the extent of it all until the last couple weeks. Which was when we agreed it wss beyond normal behaviour and it was best to stop trying until it wss resolved. But clearly our future little one had other ideas!
Hello there and commiserations.
It is a terrifying predicament to be in...
Sadly I have first-hand experience of this and this is what we tried:
1) Banning the children from visiting until they took back their lies and told the truth
2) Uniting with the mother and StepDad (I realise there is no StepDad in your situation)
Both of these strategies worked in placing us out of danger but ultimately the exW withheld the children and then went to the CMS to obtain more money down the line.
As your DP is terrified himself, it’s likely he won’t tell the children that they are no longer welcome until they apologise for lying. So, I can only suggest that you unite with the exW and work with her to agree a set of boundaries and tactics to bring the children back into line. Once the children realise that they can no longer play the adults off against each other, it should start to get better for everyone although they are likely to kick off big time initially.
Also, understand that children lie and some children lie a lot. If they think and or feel that said lies will benefit them in some way, they will keep lying. It’s human nature and as human beings we will keep doing something that works for us. So, you really have only one option here and that is to unite your DP, yourself and exW in tackling the behavioural issues with these children.
I think that the ex Step Dad obviously did a great deal of the disciplinary grunt work. Now that he has gone, it’s become a free for all. Also, if the exW has bad mouthed their father to them and in-front of their children, what they have learned from her is that they need not respect him nor you. In essence, this is what you are battling with.
If neither of the two strategies outlined above can be applied or work for you and the hostility and lies continue, your third option is to disengage from them. This is where you separate yourself emotionally from them and sometimes physically from them. It is essentially an invisible shield you put up around yourself in order to survive and remain in the relationship with DP.
Agreed 100%. Have said as much to DH. ExW was initially in agreement about meeting up but cancelled the other week due to decorating the eldest bedroom.
In general she is actually quite strict with them. So i can't help but wonder due to how she has been in the past if she almost enjoys having the sense of power.
I have made sure there is text engagement regarding what has been said and the truth etc. A) for peace if mind and b) if it was ever brought up again in the future as a weapon we have evidence it was something being dealt with qnd that she was aware it wasn't true. With evidence supporting that.
Disengaging is all i seem to have left whch saddens me. But that still doesn't protect me or my family from accusations which are potentially life damaging.
You could go down the bodycam route, it’s extreme and you shouldn’t have to but if you are that terrified, wearing a bodycam at all times when they are present in your home would make a fabulous deterrent against their lies and give you back the ability to move freely around your own home. It is really a last resort.
Legally, none of the recordings can be used for the purpose of Social Services or the Police or any other authority as legislation prevents this within privately owned homes/places. I’d urge you to understand the law around this if you decide to go this route.
The biggest thing about where you are in your mind right now is that you have bought their ‘fear product’. From my own personal experience, this is where things start to go awry, not for them but for you. The absolute best advice I can give you is to not buy into the fear and if you have already been touched by it, as I believe you have been because you are on here, I would advise that you get your head back on track otherwise your mental/emotional health nosedives, along with your relationship and other things. Understand that they want you to be scared. Understand that they get something from this. Understand that your responsibility is to not believe in it. So get some counselling or take up meditation or yoga or watch the likes of Eckhart Tolle or whatever it is that will help you do a 180 and not buy more of the fear product you are being sold.
What use would the footage be if i wouldn't be able to use it as a defense? Just purwly to scare them? I don't want to make them afraid of me. Despite how i feel, i do appreciate they are kids going through a rough time. They are just handling it appallingly.
I must admit i have moments of thinking "fuck this. Stick by your beliefs and agreed rules and let them shit fit and lie." But the anxiety drains me. We are already in therapy me and dh for the impact they are having in general in our lives. And this was before the big lies came out!
As I said, the bodycam idea is a deterrent and cannot be used for another purpose as I said. I also said it was extreme and a last resort and one you shouldn’t have to do.
These things were suggested because you have said that you are terrified. I have responded to what you have said, so please don’t shoot the messenger.
Many people go through very traumatic times in their lives including children. But not every child or person makes up false allegations of being hit as a response to that.
I do wish you all the best of luck and hope that you aren’t investigated for the accusations you have stated here and that things get better for you.
Oh I'm so sorry if you thought i was condemning what you were saying! I understood what you meant but was more thinking out loud myself regarding how i would feel about it.
I catch myself defending them a lot automatically. Agree that it isn't normal behavior. Especially at their age and leaves no excuse for it.
But i still remember good with tjem, we still see the good in flickers. It is hard to accept what they have done if I am.honest.
I apologise completely if tou felt i was moaning at you! Not in the slightest!
Home cctv is admissible in court as long as you follow the regulations including letting people know that CCTV is in effect and not recording in bathrooms/ bedrooms.
I would get this in place (you can check all the regulations online) to protect you/your family.
I will look into that. As much as i am understanding they are going through a rough time of things, i need to know we are protected from the lies like those.
I tried discussing it with DH again last night to have something in place for their benefits (therapy) and ours. Although he seems to think i am dragging it out. I just need to know it won't happen again and if it does there are measures in place to protect everyone!
I had a similar experience with my SD. She would lie to her BM all the time. Really weird stuff that I and her D had said to her and about her BM. It was all rubbish. I’ve never forgiven her and I won’t. I don’t trust her at all. If we hadn’t found her put - going through her phone- we would never have known and I’m certain it would have escalated. Put secret cameras in your home or ban them - which is what I did- do what u must to protect yourself. Your H is deluding himself. What horrible children.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
Banning them wouldn't ve an option. They are our family and i know i wouldn't ban mu daughter if the shoes was on the other foot
That said i do wish i could stress that they need therapy and support. And it actually happen. As again, if that wss my child that is exactly what i would ve doing
You are lucky having your parents next door. For your sake and the sake of your baby go round there when the DSCs are at your house. You have to protect yourself and your DC and your DH needs to take more control.
Leave him to it for now.
Drifting, i think that is most likely the step i will take for the present time. Although i am worried they will ser that as me giving up on them. Which if related to the stepdad moving out and all the rest could actually have an even bigger negative impact ob them and our family as they may act out more.
Sorry if i seem dismissive of everything. I so badly want to do what is right and best by everyone i fear i argue myselt in and out of possible solutions.
But i guess the reality is if the parents themselves won't act on getting them the help they clearly need, there is nothing else i can do beyond remove myself for my sake and my babies.
I must admit the facr i and my child would need to leave our own home due to the flippent nature if the parents certainly leaves a bitter taste in my mouth! Buy perhaps seeing i wont stand for it ti such a degree with force DH to realise he needs to step up and confront exW in the need for them goibg to therapy. I have even said if wanted ir needed i would go as well. Frustrating when you're the only one that can see such a blinding problem and the only obe willing to make steps to resolve it and still be unable to do anything beyond back away!
You sound like a nice person. But people/loved ones are only family if they treat you with love and respect. Don’t be a doormat mate or your making yourself a really uncomfortable bed, for life. Children need boundaries and unless it’s there resident home you do not have to share it with them. There are lots of SMs on here that can no longer share the same living space as there SC. They’re not bad people, it was a problem similar to yours that escalated and didn’t get addressed by the parents. Don’t suffer like a lot of us did.
Aw, they need professional help and a mother who doesn't introduce her latest squeeze too early.
Can you contact SS and ask for some help, and some counselling wouldn't go amiss.