Worried about DSD

[MilesHuntsHat]

Wasn't sure where to put this post but will start here since it concerns my DSD. I've NC so this isn't linked with my usual posts, some of it is sensitive and identifying. So DSD is 20 and I've been in her life since she was 2, we've always been quite close and have a generally good relationship although contact with me and DH (her dad) has lessened in the last couple of years since she met her BF.

She's had a rough time the last year or so, she had a miscarriage last year, baby wasn't planned but she was still understandably devastated. Then a few months ago a much older family member on her DM's side tried to sexually assault her after a family party and that's when things really started to unravel.

Since then she's drinking a lot, we're not sure to what degree exactly but she's turned up drunk to Sunday dinner a few times and has been known to ring/turn up in the middle of the night, drunk after rows with her BF. We think it's binge drinking rather than daily but seems to be becoming more frequent and is definitely starting to impact her life and relationships.

We're a bit removed from her day to day life these days, she spends a lot of time at BF's house (he lives with his DM) and lives far enough away that 'popping in' isn't an option so we only really see her when she chooses to come. Her DM doesn't really seem concerned and she sees her more than we do, DSD sort of lives half at her DM's and half at BF's though so we're a bit worried no one is really seeing the whole picture if that makes sense.

It's hard to get to speak to her, she never answers her phone and we have younger DC so serious conversations are difficult when she does come to see us. But I'm really worried about her, we've tried to reach out to support her and she seems to respond to start with but then we don't see her for weeks on end and she won't answer the phone again.

I feel like I want to get everyone in a room together, her DM, her BF (and BF's DM as she seems to be DSD's drinking partner a lot of the time) and try and get to the bottom of what's going on and how we can help her but I don't think that would go down well. I genuinely don't know what to do and I feel restricted by the fact that I'm 'only' her SM and it's not really my place to interfere. DH is worried but I'm not sure he's thinking as deeply about it as me, I have been through both of the traumas she's struggling with though so maybe that's why. I just feel really strongly that she needs help, but I don't know how to help her.

[Teddybear45]

How often do you see her? It doesn’t seem like it’s often or regularly so while she might have been drunk when you saw her it could only have been a few times a month. Has your DP talked to her mum?

[MilesHuntsHat]

Not as much as we'd like no, DSS comes a couple of times a week and is always happy to pick her up (as is DH), she knows she's always welcome here and when DSS is likely to be coming but it can be weeks between visits.

DH has spoken to her DM yes, she says she can see why we're worried but doesn't seem to want to actually do anything. At the risk of sounding like I hate the ex (I don't, we've always got on fine) she is generally a bit wishy-washy so that's not altogether surprising.

From what we can put together from bits DSD herself, DSS and their DM have said, DSD is drunk most Thursday nights and often Fri/Sat as well, as mentioned she's also turned up drunk for Sunday dinner 3 times in the last 2-3 months and once for tea on a Wednesday.

I think that's a worrying picture, she says herself she causes rows with her BF when she drinks and she's turned up here twice in the early hours of the morning recently because they've fallen out and she needs someone to talk to. I don't mind being here for her, that's not the problem, I'm just worried she's on self destruct and I don't know how to help her.