Mum making promises on our behalf

[Atleastihavethecat]

The latest development in our drama is that DPS ex has started promising the kids for us. It started small, but at the weekend I was told that I'm taking them to Disney land Paris in September.

I am not. Nobody is going to Disney. We've never even talked about going to Disney. None of us have a passport at the minute, and financially, it would take a bit more planning, which is why we've never mentioned Disney to or near them.

Now I'm the asshole because mummy said I had promised. This isn't the first time she's done this but it is the biggest promise she's made on our behalf.

It's usually smaller local trips or material goods that she promises them we're getting for them. And it's usually on DPS behalf with the very rare mention of me. This one was that I had promised, and nothing to do with him.

[PrayingandHoping]

Had your DP spoken to her about this? What was her reply?

[Sotiredofthislife]

Are you sure mum is making the promises and it’s not just the child trying to manipulate things?

[blackcat86]

How bizarre. That's really quite cruel of the mum. Has this come back to you via the DSC? We've had similar with material goods but never a big trip that you couldn't possibly organise at such short notice. Usually for us it's a bit of emotional blackmail as DH will already have provided money for something (like school shoes) but its been spent on something else so becomes a bigger up situation that we then need to resolve. Sounds like she just wants you to be bad guy

[Atleastihavethecat]

He's spoken to her in the past and her responses were either it's only going to the park/beach/wherever, or don't you want your child to have this hoody/toy/game, or well, I said you would so now you have to.

I did initially think it was just a kid trying to get what they want thing, but the history made me a little unsure. His older DC repeated it when asked so I'm almost 100% sure that mummy made the promise.

[PrayingandHoping]

Sounds like a big convo needs to be had now... it has to stop.

[WitchyMcpooface]

That’s weird. To be honest it does sound like a kids lie. BM (aka MUM) maybe covering for them or something equally weird. Can’t say I’ve experienced this or I’ve just ignored it. Does seem abit toxic.

[TwentyEight12]

I would turn this situation around for yourself...

If it were me, I would calmly confront the BM in-front of the children and explain that there seems to have been some confusion with regards to you taking the children to Disney Land and that you are unsure where or how the confusion has come about. Wait for her response and see if you can iron it out amicably with her. If she takes the tack of implying you are the culprit, calmly tell her that you would love to take the children there but for the moment there isn’t the finance to do so, but that there could be a possibility at some point in the future. If she is shirty about it, calmly suggest or question if she could take the children there if she has the means to do so. Then I would leave it at that. Everyone will have overheard and been involved in the conversation so the need for Chinese whispers and rumours has been dissolved.

[SavingSpaces2019]

Now I'm the asshole because mummy said I had promised
She isn't going to stop - she enjoys this game far too much.

I would tell the dc the harsh truth every single time "Sorry X, Mummy lied to you again..."

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I bet she’d be livid if you did actually take them to Disney!

Why isn’t she doing these fun things with them or buying things amazing toys? Is she unhappy with how much child support she gets?

[Windydaysuponus]

Sorry dc but mummy must have meant that she is taking you. Mummy doesn't get to decide what happens in this house....

[Atleastihavethecat]

Dp messaged her last night. She said she thought it would be something we'd like to do, which I mean, obviously we would, who wouldn't?! but not in September on her say so. He asked her why but he didn't really get anything logical back. Just that she thought we'd want to. No idea how she thought we'd get there without passports!

He said that she can't make promises for us, and she replied that of course she could, she's their mother.

As for child support, no she's not happy about it. She wants my income to be taken into account for maintenance. She has asked for extras for shoes, school etc and we've usually just bought the whatever instead. That usually ends with her asking dp if I'll give her money as well as the items.

She does take them out now, although she didn't for a long time as they became quite badly behaved when out with her. But in the last few months, we've rearranged contact many times to accommodate her plans and events that she wanted to take them to.

[Windydaysuponus]

Give an inch she will take a mile. Keeping to organised days will be best for everyone of your lives will be dancing to her schedule if /when she decides to change it. What happens if you plan for Sat and she says well she has made plans for dc too. She can make plans on her time end of. My exh was told by a judge to stop doing it. He once emptied a holdall of ds's football trophies onto the bench and declared ds needed him to take him to football practice every night because his coach said he needed to! Judge told him as I had spoken to coach me taking him 1 of the twice he trained was fair...
Routine is fair in dc too.
Or they won't know when /where they are going to be.

[PrayingandHoping]

Sounds like your DP needs to stand up and be a whole lot firmer with her and if she won't back down sit down and have a chat with his kids so they don't listen to her nonsense. Tell them you will be making plans to do fun things with them but the plans will only be coming from you and not their mother. You don't have to say their mother is lying....

[floodypuddle]

See i would tell them their mother is lying because she is. They need to understand this is not you going back on promises. I know it feels like the cardinal rule not to paint their parent in a bad light but really what are you meant to do here? Someone is going to come out of this looking bad and she's relying on you being too kind to mention her twatty behaviour.

[Bookworm4]

She wants YOU to give her money? What a CF! No she can’t promise things on your behave what a presumptive cow that you can afford them.
You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that they are not your children to support, it sounds like you and your DP do plenty, also tell the kids that unless you or their dad has told them they are doing something then mum is being rude.
What ages are DC? Does she work?

[sue51]

Totally unreasonable and cruel to the children.

[SandyY2K]

Not sure how old they are, but they need to be told that their dad or you will tell them about anything you're buying them or any holidays you're taking them on.

So unless they hear it directly from you, they shouldn't believe it.

No mother of sound mind would pull that nonsense. Who would want their DC disappointed like this.

If your OH doesn't do something about this, the kids will think he always promises and doesn't deliver.

These are the memories they'll have and he'll look like the bad guy.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Insanity. And very poor parenting. I like the idea of saying mummy has misunderstood as she doesn't organise things for this house and maybe she meant that she aka mummy was taki g them which would be nice.
Then dp needs a firm chat with her. Along lines of this is bad for children nd unfair on them

[Anuta77]

What a brilliant manipulator! You have to give it to her LOL.
I agree with others, I would tell the children in the age appropriate way that it was a misunderstanding. And no, you don't look like a bad guy, it's ok to tell the children that you can not afford something or you don't think buying something is a priority.
I don't know how old they are, but at some point, they will realize what's going on.