My Step son

[Teenangels]

My stepson absolutely hates me, his dad and I have no idea why but when asked he just says that he hates me, and he will never have a relationship with me as I am insignificant to him. His mother constantly criticised me, bitched about me, called me the c-word and that I am getting everything she should be entitled to . She has also called my children names and they are ugly fat bastards and that they will never amount to anything.
My step son is not allowed in our home because of his behaviour towards me.
He has never had a good relationship with his dad since his parents split up because according to his mother his dad left him, and she has poisoned his mind and that if his dad he really loved him then his dad would still be together with his mum.My partners son will only contact his dad if he wants a lift somewhere or money, nothing else.
Yesterday he phoned his dad he wanted both a lift and money so my partner went and picked him up and gave him some money (he is 18) it also took him an hour and a half, when my partner got back he said that he would have to pick up his son when he has finished at the place he was at but didn’t know what time or how late, we had a rare afternoon/evening without my kids, my son was also at the same event and my son was getting a cab back as step son will not even acknowledge my son now although they knew each other before. My partner was not allowed to give my son a lift as my partner should only care about his own son
I got cross and said for fuck sake, (we had planned to go to the coast but of course we could not because partner was on stand by for his grown adult child)
My partner got really angry and walked out of the house, didn’t take any calls and has gone back to his house.
We can not go on like this and I am not sure that this relationship can continue with his son placed above everyone else’s needs, and we all have to change plans when he wants a lift etc.

[mmmcflurrys]

How long have you been together?

[TwentyEight12]

I think you have answered your own question ‘We can not go on like this’. Your partner has been put in the situation where he is being made to choose. May I point out that when a person or persons put another in an ultimatum situation, they do not love nor respect them. This is nothing other an blackmail.

What do you want to do... Stay? Leave? Get a solicitor involved? You have choices.

How is your relationship with DP other than this? Is it a good relationship or is it on its knees due to the abuse you have both suffered?

[Suebnm]

You say your boyfriend went back to his own place. Do you not live together?

[huuskymam]

Your partner was not allowed give your son a lift? If my 18 year old told me who I could and couldn't take in my car she'd be made find her own way home.

[Teenangels]

We have been together 4 years, we live together and we are selling his house and mine, to buy a house together.
My partner can not fly off the handle like this just because I say his son is not the only person he should be thinking about.
I have never given my partner an ultimatum.
It’s so sad that my partners son can not come to our home because of his hostility and his behaviour, I would have hoped that my 18 he would have become a little more grown up and less grabby.

[Teenangels]

Yep my thoughts exactly

[helpmum2003]

Sorry to ask but we're you the OW?

[helpmum2003]

Sorry were you

[TwentyEight12]

I would hold off on selling your home!!!!!!!!!

Please do not sell until this situation has been resolved for your own benefit.

Infact, I would use putting off the sale as leverage for your DP to grow a pair and to stop being used as a piece of meat to be fought over by his ex and son.

[Teenangels]

No I was definitely not the OW, my partner and his ex wife split up 8 years ago.
His ex wife has had other boyfriends who he was ok with.

[Myfeetarekillingme]

The replies are so bloody typical of mumsnet. EVERY.SINGLE.STEPMOTHER thread gets asked if she was the OW!

This step child is clearly very unpleasant and needs to grow up!

Do not put yourself in a vulnerable position to suit your stepchild.

[MotherofTerriers]

I'm so sorry OP, I would end it
Your poor son - how will he feel knowing that he had to get a cab although your partner was there to give his son a lift
Maybe if you live separately and just date for a while, you could try again when he son is older and more accepting of you?

[Helmlover1]

I’m sorry but your step son sounds like a complete dick and he’s not someone I’d even want a relationship with tbh, partner’s son or not.

If he was a child, I would have a lot more empathy for him as children’s minds can be easily poisoned by their so called ‘mothers’, but at 18, he’s an adult and should be able to think for himself.

The way he treats you is completely unacceptable and I also find it shocking that your partner has enabled this behaviour by not standing up to him. Your partner needs to grow a set of balls, stop pandering to his adult son’s every need and demand that he starts showing you more fucking respect, or I’d be leaving.

[Teenangels]

My son, is civil to my partners son because they have some friends in common but does not want much to do with him but if my step son behaviour changes and he apologises for the things he has done to me and my children then he ok with it, my older son can’t stand him for his behaviour towards me and my daughters.
My son didn’t mind about not getting a lift home as he doesn’t want to be one to one with him.
My partner and I only ever argue about his son everything else is perfect in our relationship.
I feel that at 18 he should be accountable for his behaviour and my partner should not pander to his son, he should have balls and call him out on his behaviour but he is scared that his son will not have anything to do with him if he does.
His bio mum has done a job on her son that is for sure.

[Femodene]

Absolutely do not sell your property to buy a house with a boyfriend, you’ll have no legal protection as you aren’t married, it’d be be madness to sell your own security.
(‘Bio mum’ is a term for adoption.)

[Teenangels]

@Femodene
I would never sell my security I have ringed fenced our shares of equity with each of our percentage then going to our own child/children.

[Thehouseintheforest]

I would tell your dp he has to grow a pair. This 'child' needs a wake up call.

Don't sell your house at the moment . You need a proper sit down talk with your dp.

I would t change my plans for a lovely kind 18 yr old dd. (Unless it was really serious as they have to learn you also have a life) Let alone a rude nasty piece of work.
Lay down your requirements. Don't budge on them.

[Teenangels]

Thank you all I was starting to question if I was being an evil step Mum!
My step son goes out of his way to belittle me and do anything to ruin our plans like NYE I had been ill over Christmas and guess who needs to stay at his dads place as he forgot the keys to his mums house and doesn’t want to disturb her, guess who jumped up and went and waited for him yep my partner, he was also told he would be home before midnight and guess what he didn’t even come back to my partners.
My partner needs to stop feeling guilty and he needs to own his own, if that makes sense.
I think this is the end of our relationship, I can not deal with all of this, I just want an easy life.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I think this is the end of our relationship, I can not deal with all of this, I just want an easy life.

I think you’re right. You’re never going to get the life you want with this man. You’re at a crossroads, pick the route without the drama and resentment and choose to be happy.

[helpmum2003]

I didn't mean to offend by asking if Ur the OW because it could be relevant.

However, in view that you're not I totally agree with everyone. Do not progress your relationship further unless/until your DP grows a pair. It's not fair on your DS apart from anything else.....

[Teenangels]

Helpmum2003
As I said my partner and I have no idea what is causing this animosity, it would be understandable if I was the OW but that’s not the case.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I didn't mean to offend by asking if Ur the OW because it could be relevant.

Really? How exactly is it not offensive? It’s also painfully predictable and unoriginal.

[TwentyEight12]

Spite has worked for him. Manipulation has worked for him. If it didn’t work, he wouldn’t continue to use them as tactics, but because your DP, his father bends every time he uses them... he understands the power he yields. Why would he stop now? He gets what he wants.

I am incredibly sorry, I hope you choose the path that is best for you.

Good luck

[Debbie01]

@helpmum2003 no worries. No I wasn't. They actually got separated 2 years before we got together.

[burnyburny]

@Debbie01 are you the OP with a name change fail??