End of my tether

[Littlesunn]

I saw a post about blended families and tbh I really don’t know if they can work.
I met my partner about 4 yrs ago and she has a (now 24yr) son. They moved in last year and to start all was ok apart from a few teething issues with SS (plays pc games online all night - sleeps all day)

My DD struggled looking back I think and she had a few problems which are now being helped with a counsellor. My DD (14) moved out to be with her dad earlier this year and I have struggled. She has never really told me the real reason other than she wants to be with dad. Fortunately we all get on really well and my DD is happy and settled which although I miss her terribly knowing she is happy is all I need.

Anyway the problem is my dp’s Son. He is 24, sits in his room pretty much all day, no job, no friends other than online ones in America.
When he moved in he said to me, my mum said it was ok if I don’t find work straight away as I have things to do online. This put my back up straight away. I asked my DP and she denied it. Later that year we nearly had the bailiffs visit as he admitted to being £25k in debt. It is now being manged by the govmt debt people.

Problems started in April this yr (he had been unemployed for approx 2 yrs by this time and only had 4 interviews). I was beginning to lose my patience with him. He didn’t sign on until last April - only did that because I insisted.

DP and I argued to a point of her threatening to leave unless I back off him. By me being on his back, as he is home I expected him to do his washing, tidy up a bit and sign on to agencies for temp work. He only looks on indeed as ‘anyone who doesn’t advertise on there isn’t worth applying for’.

He eventually got a 12 hour job at a store stacking shelves 3 eves a week. A fortnight ago he had a performance warning and was pretty much told to pull his socks up. DP told me and I said to her well he needs to work quicker then. Before I even finished my sentence she exploded and again threatened to leave if I didn’t back off.

He lost his job and said to me that he is only looking for part time work as he doesn’t want full time until he figures out what he wants to do. Not sure if he has told DP but I darent ask in case it sparks another argument.

DP and I are in trouble I think. I get that she wants to protect him and feels guilty about their past (her previous partners were all abusive to him and her) but she will do anything for him. If he txts her to get something from the shop she will. The shop is only a five minute walk, if that. If my dd wants anything she gets it herself or the odd errand if I need her too when she is here.
DP got really funny with me when I suggested if SS isn’t having the same as us (his diet consists of snacks, bacon sandwiches and something with chips no veg, fruit or salad) he learns to cook for himself and not get takeaways all the time if I don’t cook or not around to. DP works shifts so I do all the cooking.

I now feel like I am on egg shells. I can’t seem to say or do anything right, so on the verge of giving up and asking them both to leave. I really can’t cope with the stress. I love her so much and want it to work.
I have suggested counselling for us, but said she is fine - I am the problem. Any advice would be gratefully received or even a slap around the face!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Being on egg shells is no way to live. Neither is having to put up with a mooching work shy adult because you’re constantly being blackmailed if you don’t.

Kick them out. Then if you want to you can date while living apart. But enough of supporting a 24 year old who has mum wrapped around his finger, it’s ridiculous and she’s so weak things will never change. No slap from me, but find your back bone, follow your instinct and call time. It’s awful they’ve been in abusive relationships in the past but you’re actually in one now if you’re not allowed to express unhappiness about how her son behaves without being threatened over again with her leaving. Don’t wait for the next drama, you’re already at the end of your tether so sit down this evening and say it’s not working, you’ve had enough, don’t be sucked in by promises he or she will change, remind her she’s often said she’s willing to move out and now that’s what you want to happen. They were fine wherever they were before and they’ll be fine again and you’ll be a 100 times happier. Your own DD might come back if the pair of them fuck off and your home isn’t filled with drama and resentment. Good luck.

[Scorpiovenus]

Yeas I don't think they work, With all the people I ever met in my life inc my own fathers first marriage it never works and it is always problematic with feelings and all that

[sue51]

This situation sounds intolerable. You can't tread on egg shells in your own home. Having a 24 year old man child in my home would annoy the hell out of a saint. Move out or kick them out.

[ShippingNews]

My DH has a son just like this one - if he lived here I'd have kicked him out . Thankfully he lives with his long-suffering mother. I agree with you - blended families are a pain, especially if the "children" are actually adults who have their parents wrapped around their fingers. Good luck to you . I'd kick this man out , and go back to dating his mother.

[MellowBird85]

Christ, what an absolute nightmare. He sounds like a total waster and will continue to be as he’s being enabled by your DP. Agree with PP, call your DP’s bluff and mean it. What’s the alternative?

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

Is your DP and SS moving in anything to do with your DD moving out? I wouldn't want to share my home with a person like your SS, you clearly don't want to any more - maybe your DD came to that same conclusion earlier than you did?

[HollowTalk]

Are they both living with you? If so, kick them out.

Personally I would've seen the light when your DD refused to live with you. That was obviously because of your partner and her family.

[negomi90]

They need to move back out. If you and dp can and want to make things work living seperatly then do so, but living together isn't working.
Also - the timeline in interesting, your dd left soon after they moved in?

[sassbott]

1. Did your DD move out at a similar time/ soon after your DP moved in?
   
2. she didn’t tell you why? Does this not raise any alarm bells in you?
   
3. I’m stunned that despite your daughter at 14 moving out, the majority of your post is about your your partner and her(?) lazy son.
   
4. Your relationship has very little chance of working IMO. I would categorically not tolerate an adult living this lifestyle and then being protected (enabled) by a partner. And I certainly would have not wanted to be around it as a child of 14.
   
   End this and focus on building a calm, happy, peaceful home environment in the hope that your DD spends more time at yours.
   
   As an aside. As someone who was in abusive relationships. She’s also abusing you when she tells you the problem is you. You know it isn’t and you know this situation is unacceptable.
   
   I know what it feels like to love someone and yet be unhappy. But for the sake of your own emotional/ mental health (and your DD’s), get out of this and leave your partner and her son to it

[SandyY2K]

Your DP sounds like the abusive one and it looks like your 14 yo DD saw this as a set up that wasn't great for her.

Did you actually ask your DD for her opinion before they moved in?

Him getting 25k in debt and the bailiffs coming would have annoyed me.

It doesn't look like this 24 yo introverted lazy man is in any hurry to pay his way.

I'd tell them to leave, giving a months notice.

Living on eggshells in your own home is awful.

[Littlesunn]

Thank you all for some clarity.

Prior DP moving in, we all had sleepovers at hers with Dd, days out together and I asked dd on more than one occasion if it was ok if they all moved in. She said yeah sure DP is cool. I guess the whole process was about 6 months or so.

I had hoped that if they moved in SS would sort himself out and find a job. I just didn’t reckon on the destructive force (and yes the threat of bailiffs did really annoy me) that it could be and how long him finding a job would be. DP has promised me he is looking for a job, but tbh like you I just don’t believe it. I am definitely not putting up with another 2 years of him sucking our relationship and money dry.