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How do all you mums who's step kids mums are intolerable,vindictive,narcissistic and just generally infuriating cope? Where do you vent your anger to? I'm on the edge right about now and really don't know how to channel all the anger that I have towards her.
I remain silent.
My happiness aggrivates her.
So I am happy.
Even when she wrote in a court document that her daughter had become agressive (aged 18 months) because she had bitten her sister and headbutted the floor on occasions. She wrote I have subsequently been informed that her child has adhd and I have concerns that this behaviour has been learned from him.
Not sure how I didn't go on an all out screaming fit of rage there at the sheer ignorance, let alone the fact it was directed towards my innocent child who has an actual disability. Not a thing is based on fact from her. Oh, and to add, at that point my children had met her daughter a handful of times. We wanted slow introductions and to build the relationships at their pace, not ours. She just made herself look thick quite frankly.
Either way I'll still be happy. And so will my family.
She has totally inappropriate adult conversations with sd who is 6, tells her that her dad ran away from her when she was a baby when in reality he left her mum because he was unhappy and didn't love her. She constantly tells sd that her dad is a bad person and manipulates her to want to stay at home and not visit us by promising "surprises" and bribes her with new toys and all sorts of stuff. Has drummed into sd head that her half brother on our side isn't really her brother but her mums new husbands son is her brother. Makes her call her new husband dad. Encourages sd to lie constantly to her dad myself and our family, everything she does at home is a big secret and she isn't allowed to tell us what she has been upto at home or at school even though her dad has a direct line of contact with the school. This is just a small fraction of the things she does which are so damaging to sd mental health and it's all because she is bitter and twisted even after all this time, has got married and has supposed to have moved on but clearly hasn't and sd is suffering.
Reminds me way too much about the situation I experienced. I don't have an answer for why some people behave so bitterly, specially when the welfare of a child is involved.
I am now at the stage where I have put up and shut up for far too long now and I'm finding myself spilling over with all the things I want to say to her and tell her exactly what I think of her and I know that I can't, I can't for the kids sakes and for the sake of my husbands relationship with his daughter. She is bitter and twisted beyond belief and seems to have no concern over the example she is setting to her daughter. Makes me so angry that no one holds her accountable for her words and actions.
I’m in a similar situation my DH Ex is poisonous and accuses me of all sorts. The only way I’m dealing with it is totally disengagement now. I know it’s not the SD fault she is just a child but the things her BM is doing is abysmal and it’s SD that will suffer. I hope when she older she can work things out for herself. DH did talk to her school and tell them what was going on just encase things were said at school.
I can completely relate to this. Over the years I have so badly wanted to have a show down with BM and pull her up on all the spiteful lies / comments she’s made. Things that she would have no answer to and would leave her looking like the dickhead she is. My DH always took the diplomatic, calm approach which at times left me climbing the walls with rage. But, what I have realised is that most of the time the best approach is to ignore it and flick her away like an annoying fly. No response is better than an angry response because they’re effectively hitting a brick wall and being treated with the indifference they deserve. They WANT you to be angry. They WANT to negatively affect your life. Because they’re unhappy with theirs and jealous of yours. It’s pathetic. What I found that you and your DH need to set clear boundaries that you’re both happy with (I.e. not allowing her to dump the kids on you when the fancy takes her) and then calmly stick to it no matter how much she tantrums.
How do you cope?
You completely emotionally disengage from her. What’s happened is that you have got very emotionally and psychologically attached and engaged in this nightmare.
You don’t get even, you get happy.
You throw yourself into loving your partner and yourself and your shared life as top priority.
You leave your partner to figure this all out. It is him that has to decide if he is willing to go to court, if he is willing to put an end to it. Even court does not put an end to it however. In your case, as it is so bad, I don’t think you are dealing with a normal bitter ex, I think you may have an ex with an undiagnosed mental illness, which would explain why the situation is so severe.
It’s not your problem. It really isn’t. Detach from this or detach from the relationship. She wants you to do the latter, are you going to let her do that to you?
No I won't let her ruin my relationship with my husband and ruin my kids lives as they are happy too! I'm just really struggling as all of my partners family wants to talk about bm's latest antics and speculate about what's going to happen next and I'm just sitting literally with steam coming from my ears as going over and over it just boils my blood! We have met with a new lawyer today who will hopefully get us to a place where she is being held accountable for her words and actions and all the drama settles down a bit, I don't see it happening but I can only hope. Thanks for all the reply's it's good to know that I'm not alone in how I feel x
How do you know she tells your SD all of this @Giggles89 ? Genuine question not being goady but from personal experience I have been made out to be a villain, troublemaker, accused of similar things your op mentioned, but the truth could not be further apart. My Ex spun a whole load of shit to his partner who believed everything she was told. She was an absolute bitch to deal with and did her best to stop contact between my kids and their dad. In fact she was so good at manipulation she played both sides off pretty well. It resulted in Police visiting them both more than once, and ended up in court where the whole truth about their web of lies came out.
All I am saying is not everything is as it seems. There is always 2 sides to every story.
I totally get that, although I must say in my opinion there is 3 sides, his, hers and the truth. The conversations I have had with my 6year old sd have highlighted things that happend when she was around 3/4months old things that her mum has told other people too so we know they have came from her.
There was a thread on this site about a week ago where a biological mother was feeling resentful about the fact that her daughter really liked her SM and would talk about her and all the fun, interesting things they did together. This lady said she knew she was being unreasonable but that in reality she was terrified that her daughter would favour her SM over her and so she wanted to know how to make sure that it didn’t happen.
The responses flew in as they do and the next thing you know is, the majority are saying that the contact schedule should be changed so that the SM and the biological father don’t get to see the little girl every weekend but every other weekend and that they should have the little girl a couple of nights in the week so that they did the ‘boring’ school night routine and the little girl wouldn’t think her SM was so fun anymore. At no point did anyone point out what was in the best interests of the child’s well-being or happiness. The child was happy and her mother couldn’t bear that it was another woman who made her child happy.
Why am I saying this? I’m saying it because what you are fighting is resentment. Now you are becoming resentful just like the biological mother is, I’ve been there too and it was a hideous feeling. She isn’t interested in the well-being or happiness of the child, she is solely focussed on alienating the child from anything or anyone that she considers a threat to her ego. People then dress this up as love and profess that they only have the child’s best interests at heart.
I think it’s really crucial that you do your best to let go of the resentment you feel because damn, you do not want to end up like her. It’s a tough emotion but there are a lot of ways to combat it, boxing, kick-boxing, or any exercise, meditation, yoga, journal writing, painting... basically anything that allows you to express your feelings in a positive and controlled way. It’s the holding onto the emotion that does the negative damage in my humble opinion.
I am an SM and my DCs had an SM.
I found it incredibly hard to remain cheerful when my DCs came home from their fathers and said what a good tie they had had.It was always a weekend and they had made a huge effort to take the DCs out and look good and that they were more fun( Exs words not mine) I resented the fact that the two selfish twunts who had blown my life up were making happy families for a few days per month andignoring the rest - I was human!!
However, I bit my tongue and said it was great that they had a great time. I did resent that I got all the drudge and them the glory - it was hard work. Roll on a few months it all became too much and contact was minimal.
I also now 5 yrs down the line realise my DCs were not stupid and they got the politics at a much earlier age than I ever thought.
But I kept smiling for the sake of the DCS.
It sounds as though the SM in your case was the OW.
Thus the majority of us can understand your resentment.
Personally, I never went out out of my way to entertain the SCs because I wanted to rub anyone’s nose in it. I went out of my way because I was kind. I remember being a child myself and how much I enjoyed doing fun and different things with my Mum and my friends parents. I wanted to enrich these kids lives and I wanted to be accepted. It seemed like a good way to go, that when they came we did stuff that engaged them. But it seems, that if we are kind it’s wrong, if we are not kind enough, it’s also wrong.
The only way out of this, is to not care what someone else thinks and go by your own moral compass and conscience.
SMS - dammed if you do, damned if you don’t. Drink Gin! Personally I like grapefruit gin with a Mediterranean tonic. 🍹
Step mothers ruin
The thread you mentioned, doesn't sound bad to me...ad parenting isn't just about weekend fun.
It's dealing with the waking up for school, school runs, homework, bedtime protests etc
I see no reason why the father shouldn't be involved in that. I don't see it as the SMs responsibility.
An interesting point of view...
Does the thread sound good to you if it doesn’t sound bad then?
Oh I had this for the first year I was with OH BM spent the entire time trying to split us up accused me of all sorts and was incredibly childish. She even told MIL she was ashamed of herself but carried on.
In the end I told her exactly what I thought of her and not to contact me again. It's been amazing. You just need to detach detach detach
I really dont get why some posters insist on using the term BM. Mum is sufficient. Not hard really is it. It seems to be a poor attempt at a put down.
@willyoujustbequiet for me mum conjours nice kind motherly images of someone living and caring. The experiences I and some others have had are the exact opposite to that so the term doesn't seem appropriate.
Also it's an easy two letter acronym that fits in with the others eg OH SD DC etc
*loving not living that wasn't me trying to say BM is dead
I vent my anger to my friends 2 of which have been in tbe same situatuon.
To exs face i remain lovely. Completely indifferent to her madness. It drives her insane that i dont react.
I agree that someone needs to stand up and tell these people a few home truths but in exs case shes so deluded about what an excellent parent is that she just wouldn't believe it anyway!
You cant argue with stupid comes to mind.