Tonight I have just admitted defeat. After 5 years of trying, compromising & remaining optimistic that things get easier with time, I have accepted that blended families (for the most part) just do not work.
I think the most difficult set up is (like mine) where both adults have dependent kids but share no kids. There are no ties that bind so to speak & the kids (even if they're 'good') are just not conducive to the adults having a good/easy relationship. Throw exes into the mix & it's a recipe for emotional disaster. I think the set up where both (or one) of the adults have kids but there are also 'shared' kids or kid, is also very tough - but at least the shared kids link both families (for better or worse).
I never thought I'd hear myself say this but I have just come to the conclusion that 'intact' families function (again for the most part) best & in the absence of an intact family, single parenthood (albeit very difficult) is way preferable than trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has kids. Maybe one partner having no kids is the exception to this? - but I'm not sure.
I've always believed that post divorce/separation adults are entitled to move on & find happiness (within reason) but increasingly I've seen - on here & in my own experience - that the fall out from divorce is rarely handled well by both parties & that the emotional baggage for everyone (adults & kids) gets heavier & not lighter with the passage of time.
Sorry for such a negative post but I just had to get this out & here is possibly the only place people will get it. Over the next week or so I will need to start telling friends & family that I've ended my relationship with dp. None of them will understand that I truly love him & that I hate doing this - but that I just cannot go on. I'm so frickin exhausted from juggling everything & everyone, & from the horrendous toxicity in dp's life with his kids & ex. Dp thinks I'm giving up on him but I'm really not. I'm giving up trying to have a relationship with a man whose ex wife & kids refuse to let him have any life outside of them, & who punish him for daring to try. I'm giving up on trying to be there for dp while also juggling the needs & happiness of my own 3 kids. I'm giving up on constantly putting myself last because everyone else's demands are so overwhelming.
The advice I've received on here over the years has been invaluable & I honestly think I'd have lost my marbles if I'd had nowhere to vent.
If I ever get into a relationship again which feels very doubtful at the moment, it will have to be when my kids are not dependent & ideally he'd have no kids, because honestly I am sooooo done with nrp guilt on top of everything else.
Never, ever did I think it would be this difficult.
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Admitting defeat
25 replies
Magda72 · 19/08/2019 00:35
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