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How long did it take a reluctant child to come around to a new partner?

(36 Posts)
NewMe2019 Thu 15-Aug-19 23:39:25

Not step-parenting but felt this topic was the best one.

Me and DCs dad are divorcing. I'm with someone else and DCs know and have met him. DD likes him and is happy to see him. DS says he doesn't like him. But he told me before he would never accept me being with anyone and it's like he's determined to stick to it.

When a DC was reluctant, how long did it take them come around or adjust to thw situation?

OP’s posts: |
C0untDucku1a Thu 15-Aug-19 23:40:40

How long have you been separated?
How long have you been with new dp?

RedPandaBear Thu 15-Aug-19 23:47:06

How old are your dc?

MyNewBearTotoro Thu 15-Aug-19 23:51:46

How long have you and your ex been separated and living apart? Has DS had a long time to get used to his parents no longer being together? Unless he’s very little I wouldn’t expect him to be able to come around to his Mum having a new partner if he hasn’t had at least a year or two to get used to his parents being separated before having to accept new partners.

pikapikachu Fri 16-Aug-19 00:12:06

How old is your son and daughter? I'm going to guess teen son and primary school daughter based on their reaction to you having a new partner?

How long between finding out about your divorce and the existence of your new partner?

NewMe2019 Fri 16-Aug-19 08:12:43

Pre teen son and younger daughter. They've known about the divorce for 7 months before knowing about BF.

OP’s posts: |
Walkingwithcats Fri 16-Aug-19 08:22:23

I’ve been with my partner 13 years. His daughter was 6 when we met. She still hasn’t accepted me.

DtPeabodysLoosePants Fri 16-Aug-19 08:41:51

So you're not even divorced yet and expecting your dc to accept a new partner? Are you even living separately?

DtPeabodysLoosePants Fri 16-Aug-19 08:45:22

How long have they known about your new partner and how many times have they met him?

LikeTheFruit Fri 16-Aug-19 09:07:33

I'm 31 and still hate my mums partner (been together since I was about 2). He's an evil controlling bastard though so there's that.

C0untDucku1a Fri 16-Aug-19 09:17:29

Thats an interesting way not to answer the questions. How long were you seeing the new bf before you introduced him to your children?

C0untDucku1a Fri 16-Aug-19 09:25:12

Ok, so youve been seeing the new bf for 7 months. And your husband moved out last month.

you've introduced your children far, far too quickly! Of course theyll truggle. You may have ended the telationship months before he moved out, but to the children you were still all a Family until July.

Stop having him near your children until they have accepted the separation. Jesus it has only been a few weeks since their dad kived out!

notmuchmoretogive Fri 16-Aug-19 09:49:03

You are rushing things, your children are coming to terms with their world being turned upside down.

Please put your son first and give him time to adjust.

MyNewBearTotoro Fri 16-Aug-19 10:15:48

You are rushing things.

Your children need time to get used to you and their Dad being separated. It is far, far too early to be introducing or even mentioning new partners. Their whole world has changed and fallen apart and you need to show them that your divorce isn’t going to destroy the family, that they will still be loved and have quality time with both parents and to ensure they feel safe and secure. A new partner so soon is just going to make them feel like their Dad is being replaced and completely insecure about what that means.

You need to stop trying to rush a new man into your children’s lives and be there to support them through the transition to living without their Dad at home.

Femodene Fri 16-Aug-19 10:36:10

Your boyfriend shouldn’t be anywhere near your kids for at least a year, bare minimum, you’ve blown up their home, feeling safe, security, family, entire lives and are now shoehorning your current boyfriend into their lives? Holy shit. Keep your sex life and your kids separate. There’s no need for the boyfriend to be ‘accepted’, he’s nothing to do with your kids.
Oh and I never accepted my mothers current husband. It’s been 20 years so far. She should have kept her shit life choices away from me.

Snappedandfarted2019 Fri 16-Aug-19 11:29:38

You been extremely insensitive to be introducing a new bf after only 7 months of them finding out about their parents divorce op.

lunar1 Fri 16-Aug-19 11:31:07

Way to many adults don't care about their children being happy as long as they have someone to keep their bed warm.

Listen to the step parents on here, your children get all the time and space they need. You blew up their world, they need time to heal.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Fri 16-Aug-19 13:54:53

Far too soon, no wonder he doesn’t want anything to do with the situation.

I know several adults who are LC or NC with parents as they know they were second best to any partner.

TwentyEight12 Fri 16-Aug-19 14:03:16

It depends I think.

In my case, I was introduced to two out of the three children about 4-5 months into our relationship. Their mother was already re-married and had a new baby. Both children liked me immediately upon meeting me and that continued until the third (eldest) was introduced. The eldest and her father didn’t have the best of relationships and she had an immense sense of loyalty to her mother, so sadly things then slid rapidly from there. I did not know about the instability in their relationship and the reasons why until I was very much embedded. It was very difficult.

Some children will often feel a sense of misplaced loyalty to one parent if they allow themselves to like a parent’s new partner. Sometimes one of the parents is still very bitter or resentful regards the separation and sometimes the child or children will directly or indirectly understand this and thus they will start taking sides.

If your son’s strong feelings have come about due to the above, then he may never come round to accepting your new partner regardless of how wonderful he is to you or them. Or he may do.

There are too many variables in order to make a diagnosis. So I would prefer to reframe this for you. Instead of hoping and wishing for a time/date as to when your son will have a change of heart, I would take more of a view on how you will navigate what may be a very rugged emotional landscape to come.

Your children do not necessarily have to like your new partner, but they ideally should be civil and respectful towards him just as they would be to anyone else. This I cannot emphasise enough.

I would not go in there with expectations of a new harmonious step-family. Step parenting can be pretty tough and the terrain is very different. So I would advise that you approach it differently. It is ok to introduce them to the new partner but I would start with small amounts of time like lunch and the park. I would also advise that the meetings are in neutral places so that everyone gets time to adjust. However, if after sometime of doing this and your son still has his heels firmly dug in, then you will likely come to a place where you’ll need to make an executive decision.

Personally, I would continue on in the relationship if three out of four of you are happy. But it’s your life and your decisions.

Good luck

NorthernSpirit Fri 16-Aug-19 14:29:09

I’m a SM.

My OH has been divorced from the kids months over two years when I met him (separates for 3.5 years). I met the kids 9 months into our relationship,

Have now known the kids (now 11 & 14) over 4 years. Younger son no problems with. Older daughter extremely loyal to her mum (who is still hostile & bitter) - I don’t think i’ll ever be accepted by her.

NewMe2019 Fri 16-Aug-19 16:58:17

To address a few points, even though ex moved out a short while ago, DCs were told of the split from the beginning to give them time to get used to the idea. Ex also knew I was dating as we had agreed our lives were our own.

I wasn't going to tell them yet. But DS seemed very suspicious and kept asking questions about where I go etc when tbey weren't here. I couldn't keep lying to him. Once they knew, they actually insisted on meeting him. I did not intend for that to happen for a long time either. So stop judging and giving opinions when you don't know the situation. I didn't actually ask for opinions on about what has already happened.

Thank you to those who have actually answered the question I asked, it's been helpful to read.

And there is also zero expectation of any step parenting going on, which I've made clear to DCs. I've repeatedly told them it's mum's BF, NOT step-dad/replacement dad.

" Your children do not necessarily have to like your new partner, but they ideally should be civil and respectful towards him just as they would be to anyone else. This I cannot emphasise enough. "

This was particularly helpful thank you. I agree, DS is being civil and not rude which I can settle for.

OP’s posts: |
Snappedandfarted2019 Fri 16-Aug-19 17:09:09

You asked op you're going to get opinions

Soopermum1 Fri 16-Aug-19 17:16:54

For me it's 2 years and counting. Split with ex 3 years ago, been with BF 2 years and started bringing him to the house about 6 months after we met. Teenage DS is very loyal to his Dad, who was very bitter, and accepted his GF, even though he witnessed volatility between them (now split up.)

BF and I have a very happy, healthy relationship and BF handles DS's abuse and stonewalling well (DS called him a n#####, that's the only thing he's risen to.)

It's fucking hard and I have no idea when it will end 😔

On the bright side, DD, who is much younger, absolutely adores him.

LuckyKitty13 Fri 16-Aug-19 17:22:35

I have never liked my parents new relationships and I'm nearly 30! I was and am however respectful and outwardly supportive. But my parents have changed and it has damaged my relationship with my mum completely. I know these are my own issues however.

readitandwept Fri 16-Aug-19 17:46:03

If your pre teen son had already told you that he would never accept you having a new boyfriend, I don't know why you let them insist on meeting him so quickly. You're the adult.

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