(24 Posts)
BrokenBad Sun 11-Aug-19 21:13:21

More of an AIBU obviously.
DH has 4 children between 6-12. No massive back story. Been together 4 years. No big dramas, kids are great and I think over the years I've carved out my own kind of 'cool aunt' role. I care for them very very much and we have a great relationship.
Three weeks ago I broke my back falling from a height. I've fractured my lower vertabrae and am in a back brace until mid September sad I'm in pain, off work which I love, can't walk very far without having to stop, can't drive, can't bend down without being in pain etc etc. Dosed up with oramorph and codeine but generally am feeling miserable and can feel that ominpresent black cloud looming, which makes me want to cry.
DH and I haven't been great during this if I'm honest. He's been amazing but he had a bit of a cry earlier because he said he feels like nothing he does is right. This made me feel awful and if I'm honest I probably have been more difficult with him recently (he did say he understood why)
Anyway, to my predicament.
We have the kids all this week because of summer. I'd planned lots of things to do with them, excursions, fêtes, open days, events etc, before this happened. (Now obviously can't go on these as not enough room in car) DH is working from home tomorrow and when I say he's working, I mean he's told me his calendar and it's literally back to back meetings.
I told him I'd struggle to watch the kids and could he ask his (usually very happy to) mum to watch them just until 3 ish.
10 mins later, he came in, said 'She's out all day tomorrow' and left the room. sad
I spoke to him, said I feel like he's taken me for granted, I'm in pain, is there anyone else etc, what would you do if you were single, etc.
Even just a bit of understanding and appreciation would be nice - AIBU to expect that? Just a 'Oh, broken, thanks so much' but I haven't had anything.
I don't know how much of this is my pain/general fed upness.

I'm resigned to having them all day tomorrow while he's on his laptop/Skype etc. They can be quite a handful though. I just want to rest and get better tbh.

Any ideas/advice/words of support anyone has I'd be so grateful - even ideas for rainy day activities! (The cluedo board is wearing thin from over use)

AIBU to maybe want a thank you? I'm fed up.

OP’s posts: |
twattymctwatterson Sun 11-Aug-19 21:25:36

He needs to sort something else out and should have to do that even if they were your kids. You have a broken back ffs

Magda72 Sun 11-Aug-19 21:26:22

Ffs - WHAT is it with men? Ime they generally have the empathy & sympathy of a brick when people are unwell & yet manage to be giant babies themselves when under the weather.
Yanbu - you have a broken back!!! If he knew he was going to be working tomorrow he should have organized childcare for them days ago.
Honestly I would just down tools tomorrow & stay in bed & leave him deal with his kids & his meetings. It's not like you have a cold - you've had a serious accident; are on really strong meds, and he should be doing everything in his powder to make you more comfortable, not crying because he's having it tough! angry

helpmum2003 Sun 11-Aug-19 21:29:04

I agree stay in bed. Poor you.

whitesiderd Sun 11-Aug-19 21:31:21

Can their mother take them?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 11-Aug-19 21:36:06

He needs to sort something else out and should have to do that even if they were your kids. You have a broken back ffs

So he has meetings?! If you weren’t in the picture he’d have to take the day off and be there to care for his kids. It’s beyond ridiculous he hasn’t made the necessary arrangements before now so fuck thank yous, I’d stay in your bed/bedroom with plenty of accessible food and drinks, tv or magazines or books and your phone, we’ll keep you company. If they need him they can go get him. Oramorph is the nuts but you’ll be in no fit state to be staggering around after a 6 year old so don’t even bother.

You poor thing, you must feel like crap and you deserve to be getting looked after yourself, not lumbered with a handful of children who have a perfectly capable able bodied parent in the house who can and should be doing it.

FinallyHere Sun 11-Aug-19 21:41:18

Another vote for this really not being your problem. However helpful you have been in the past, you are now needing to recover.

Have another chat, being clear this is not about you suggesting solutions such as his mother helping, only to be told that she can't. Make sure you stay in bed with the door closed. Can you get supplies of water and food in readiness? Then leave him to it

Hope you feel better soon.


BrokenBad Sun 11-Aug-19 22:00:49

Wow, thank you all so much. I know how infamous the stepparenting board can be so this has been a pleasant surprise!

He just came up and I cried and told him how I felt. He was very sincere and sad that he'd not been more appreciative. He said I don't need to do anything, the eldest three will just have to have an Xbox day and the youngest will have to be in with him while he's working.

I have a lot of guilt, and I do care about them so I don't like the thought of them cooped up with just Xboxes because of me all day. Plus I know the youngest won't be giving him the space he needs to work. But then I am tempted just to sack it off just for one day.

I just feel so so unappreciated. Even if he'd said a thank you, I know this wouldn't have got to me so much.

OP’s posts: |
cakesandphotos Sun 11-Aug-19 22:05:58

I agree it's unfair and you shouldn't have to do it but if it has to happen, can you have a movie day or something? Get popcorn and sweets and get the older ones to build a blanket fort or something and just veg for the day? At this point in the school holidays kids might enjoy a day of doing nothing

BrokenBad Sun 11-Aug-19 22:13:23

That's what I was thinking @cakesandphotos but again the old guilt creeps in because they've had that today because the weather's been so shit here.

What gets me as well, just thinking out loud here, is that I'm always encouraging, appreciating and supporting DH in his parenting, only today he took them puddle jumping and I was all 'Wow, they will remember that' 'they are so lucky' 'you're amazing, well done' etc etc yada yada yada. I say that to him at least once a day. I do all these wonderful things for and with them, yet I get nothing and THEY'RE NOT EVEN MY CHILDREN.

It's so hard. I have none of my own so I never know where to just let it go.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sun 11-Aug-19 22:18:39

I have a lot of guilt, and I do care about them so I don't like the thought of them cooped up with just Xboxes because of me all day

OP love, this is not because of you! It’s because of him, THEIR FATHER, not making adequate plans for childcare. Stop self flagellating, you must be in bits and you have to prioritise yourself. If they were your children you still wouldn’t be in a fit state to be super fun summer holiday parent with a broken back! You’d be farming them out wherever possible and going for the least effort ways to occupy them. He has badly let you down here. I’m fuming that he’s making you feel so extra shit at such a vulnerable time for you. It’s these times your relationship flourishes or flounders and he’s being a useless arsehole.

And no to you arranging a movie day! He’s in the house, they’re his kids, he’s dropped the ball by not making plans for how to look after and entertain them. It’s not your job. Don’t get guilted into risking your recovery because he’s being pathetic about it.

If he even thinks about crying about how hard any of this is for him please promise me you’ll tell him to fuck off, be a bloody adult and find some solutions to his problems, not dump them on you.

MrsMozartMkII Sun 11-Aug-19 22:19:34

I broke my back a few years ago.

Blinking heck lass, please don't feel at all guilty. You're in pain. You really do need to rest and not do anything daft. The potential for something to go wrong is really not worth it. The drugs, the pain, and your body trying to heal, they're all taking their toll on you. Rest, rest, a 1000x rest.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 11-Aug-19 22:22:34

X post. You let it go now. I’m sure you’re a great partner and step mum but now you have to look after yourself. He managed before you came among, he’ll manage while you’re out of action, he’d manage if you broke up. Keep an eye on his actions over the next few days and weeks. If he keeps pissing about like this take a long hard look at the dynamic in your home and remember you’re meant to be an added extra but the children are his responsibility and if he lets you down like this again he’s not who you hoped he was.

mcmen71 Sun 11-Aug-19 22:26:58

Ring someone to come and get you and bring you to your own family and leave him to it. There his kids. His own mum doesn't even want to help him out with her grandchildren.

lunar1 Sun 11-Aug-19 22:27:48

Did he not even think to ask their mum, or cancel his work? There is no way you should be overdoing anything right now.

BrokenBad Sun 11-Aug-19 22:31:23

Thank you all very much. I'm really very grateful. He came back up, I've said I'm not setting foot downstairs except to get snacks and drinks to have with me, and I want the Xbox in our room to watch box sets etc (we only have two so that'll be interesting) He appeared on the outside all for it and encouraging, said all the right things, but I could see the panic just behind his eyes grin

Gonna glug on my oramorph, eat Doritos and watch some Louis Theroux nonsense. Will try not to feel guilty as and when they start getting restless. Circus/monkeys and all that.

OP’s posts: |
BrokenBad Sun 11-Aug-19 22:32:47

Did he not even think to ask their mum?

I did ask him to text her and at least ask the question, but he won't, he's pretty terrified of her tbh

OP’s posts: |
InsertFunnyUsername Sun 11-Aug-19 22:40:20

I really would go somewhere else to rest, if a friend or relative can pick you up.

If he's having the youngest and the eldest are having a film day there really is no need for you to be there. I'm sure he'll be fine.

NavyBerry Sun 11-Aug-19 22:58:27

Get well soon OP thanksthanksthanks you need to take good care of yourself

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 11-Aug-19 22:58:38

Watch old Louis, the newer stuff is incredibly miserable! And give the Scientology one a miss, rubbish. Hope you get the peaceful you deserve and need.

Any knocks on the door you shout “go ask your dad” and don’t listen to any nonsense from him about his precious work. Rest up.

FinallyHere Mon 12-Aug-19 08:11:52

If anyone asks you anything, just don't answer. They will soon go away. Afterwards, claim you didn't hear any questions.

Oh, and start being kind to yourself first. Not selfish, but remember that you cannot pour from an empty jug.

Hope you feel better soon. xx

BrokenBad Mon 12-Aug-19 08:55:54

Thanks again everyone. I've arranged for my DM to come and get me this morning and will be at hers resting all day. Woken up feeling pretty fed up. He's downstairs with the youngest two, others are still asleep.
I normally get a good morning text or something but I've got nothing this morning. I swear if he's angry/moody with me angry

OP’s posts: |
FinallyHere Mon 12-Aug-19 09:20:38

Ah, gods idea to stay at your mothers til you really recovered. Do you think he has come to expect you to provide free childcare just to save him the bother ? Ouch.

BrokenBad Mon 12-Aug-19 09:26:34

I'm not sure @FinallyHere
I never thought so. He's always said I'm a bonus and I've never felt obligated. But something has changed since my accident. He just doesn't seem to get it. He's struggling with his MH at the moment, he's come off his anti depressants about two months ago and says that's making him snappier etc. I'm not so sure if I'm honest.

OP’s posts: |

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