Has anyone moved out of family house but stayed together as couple?

(25 Posts)
cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 16:43:47

I find myself fantasising about having the means to do this quite often.
My DSD (12) has various issues that mean an enjoyable relationship will never happen and I find that I spend/ have spent too much time worrying about it, when I should really be getting on with enjoying my own life/ daughter.
I just would feel awful about taking my DD away from her dad and I love him so much. I just wondered if anyone had done this to relieve the stress for everyone involved?
Maybe it would be just as stressful but in a different way.

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Fri 09-Aug-19 17:38:05

How often is she with you? Would it be possible for you and your DD to make yourselves busy on those days to minimise the time you all spend together?

Lovemenorca Fri 09-Aug-19 18:04:20

Yes people have done this. Often for benefit fraud reasons

LatentPhase Fri 09-Aug-19 18:19:46

Sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place, OP. What’s happening to make it so difficult?

Crucially, what does your OH think?

PeacockSunday Fri 09-Aug-19 18:24:18

I’ve fantasised about this for many years. If money allowed I would definitely have tried it. Reading with interest if anyone has had the means to do it and how it worked out.

Crazzzycat Fri 09-Aug-19 18:24:59

I’ve seriously considered doing this this year, but for different reasons. My DH has high functioning autism and often goes through periods of manic behaviour. I love him, but living with him is so difficult it really affects my mental health.

I’ve not done anything more than thinking about it yet, although I did discuss it with him a while ago. He’s been trying to give me more space since then as he really doesn’t want me to go.

I know this is not what you’re asking for, but are there any alternative options available for you? If you have the money to maintain two households, could you buy or rent somewhere bigger? Or could you find a hobby that gets you out of the house a bit more? And how is your husband helping you out with all this? Sometimes just having a short break from it all can make a big difference to how you feel. Good luck!

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 09-Aug-19 19:21:24

I want to do this too sometimes. Would be awesome to have the house etc and stress reduced.
I could 100% afford to do it but dp couldn't as he has the 4 children whereas I ahve only 1 with dp.


cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 22:09:37

@HeckyPeck I have been through phases of absenting myself from the house when she is with us but because I have a toddler, I need to be in the house for snacks, naps play etc or the days can become a bit homeless feeling and expensive!
DSD used to do Weds, Fri abs and every other weekend but since she’s been school refusing, she is here Monday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday and every other weekend. She has ASD PDA, anxiety, and various soon to be diagnosed other mental problems so she is very difficult to relate to and basically not very pleasant. She is pretty much acrophobic so we can never go anywhere and if we do she stays in a huge sulk the whole time or controls the entire outing so it includes, buying her Greggs then lots of clothes.
Absolutely everything that is supposed to be joyful is awful with her there, birthdays, Christmas, weekends, holidays, cafe trips, family outings, Having meals out.
We work hard to accommodate her and now have cahms and a private child psychiatrist involved but I’m
Just so over trying to force an unsolvable puzzle to work.

OP’s posts: |
cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 22:12:40

@Crazzzycat I’m glad I’m not the only one but I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time.
Does your DH have a CPN?
This is what the mental health service is missing, the people who live with mentally ill people are also so mentally compromised by mood swings and general vibes.

If I was rich I’d already have moved away.

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cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 22:13:31

@Spanglyprincess1 if I could 100% afford, I would do it. Some dynamics don’t work and never will.

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cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 22:16:11

@LatentPhase the list is literally endless suffice to say it’s a pretty miserable existence.
There is no ‘blending’ me and DSD are water and oil and always will be. (We have never had a crossed word btw I remain adult, polite, friendly on the outside at all times but it’s a strain!)
My DH knows how I feel but he feels like the rubber band trying to keep everyone happy all the time. I think his role is harder tbh.

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MoodLighting Fri 09-Aug-19 22:18:20

I'd love to have those next door houses like Tim Burton and Helena BC.

cultwarning Fri 09-Aug-19 22:38:32

Me too Mood me too!

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Spanglyprincess1 Sat 10-Aug-19 05:19:25

Dp can't though. He wouldn't earn enough to live local in big enough house for his four.
I do as only have one n am boringly sensible with money.

snitzelvoncrumb Sat 10-Aug-19 05:26:32

What about two small places not to far from each other? What does your dh think?

Myfoolishboatisleaning Sat 10-Aug-19 06:00:48

I think it is a good idea. We have done that in the past (jobs in different countries) and will probably do it again soon (city & country) I think most people would do it if finances allowed.

Starlingsarebullies Sat 10-Aug-19 06:06:41

but since she’s been school refusing, she is here Monday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday and every other weekend

Are you looking after her when she is refusing to go to school? Where is her mother in all this?

cultwarning Sat 10-Aug-19 06:58:11

Her mum and dad have to work, I’m at home with my toddler so everyone just assumes I’ll have her.
Because of her poor mental health (self harm etc) we have to make sure she’s always with an adult.

OP’s posts: |
WhiteCat1704 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:17:44

Go back to work and move out...it sounds awful having to deal with this..you shouldn't be left taking care of her, you are not her parent..

Magda72 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:27:35

@cultwarning - what would your dh & her mum do if he had never met you? They'd have had to cope & sort something out wouldn't they?
You're being used - most likely unintentionally - but you ARE being used & with the best will in the world it is NOT your place to be providing care for a preteen with so many issues - that's her PARENTS' job.
As whitecat said, go back to work, make yourself unavailable & yes, move out if you have to. Otherwise you are going to spend the next god knows how many years being this girls primary carer which is just & and very unfair on your dd.

cultwarning Sat 10-Aug-19 07:47:18

Yes. I need to talk to them about it.
I wanted to help in the first instance because she was suicidal and it literally felt like life and death but now I have an actual physiological response to her coming here, if I know she’s coming I get a really anxious, tense and stressed and it’s not good for me.

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Spanglyprincess1 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:12:54

Just say no. You find it too hard and it isn't fair on your toddler as it isn't as I assume your stick inside all the time

cultwarning Sat 10-Aug-19 08:24:51

Thank you.
I will let them know I want to be counted out of the equation from September onwards (DSD has said she wants to go back to school full time but I doubt she will go at all!)
If I say I’m finding it too hard then they can’t really argue with that.
Thanks all for helping me come up with a middle ground.

OP’s posts: |
30to50FeralHogs Sun 11-Aug-19 12:12:12

Her mum and dad have to work, I’m at home with my toddler so everyone just assumes I’ll have her.
Because of her poor mental health (self harm etc) we have to make sure she’s always with an adult.

Even if you move out I can guarantee they’d still expect you to be on call when DSD refuses school. Cheeky fuckers.

And as for “if I tell them I’m finding it hard, they’ll have to take notice”. Erm, no they most likely won’t because that will mean they have to either deal with their DD’s issues or pay for some other type of childcare. You’re the easy cheap option, and your DP is taking the piss.

I’ve never moved in with my DP. We’ve come close a couple of times but tbh it’s scenarios like these that put me off, as I know he and his ex would think nothing of letting the slack fall to me.

I’ve kept very clear lines of responsibility - I’ve helped out with childcare twice in 7 years (because it fell on HIS days) and refused twice because it fell on her days - they are both in gainful employment and I’m self-employed purely because I couldn’t afford childcare for my own 3 DCs. I’m not getting suckered into looking after someone else’s DCs for free while they earn good money without having to be organised enough to sort their own childcare out.
It’s all well and good saying that they are children of the family, but it’s funny how it’s always the SAHM who has to bear this in mind.

I’d be taking a huge step back from the level of commitment your DP is expecting from you to his DD and tell him if he doesn’t start taking responsibility for her care you’ll move out and not continue the relationship, otherwise he’ll just think he gets all the perks of the single life with you there on tap too.

Spanglyprincess1 Sun 11-Aug-19 14:04:45

Just saying sorry no this doesn't work for me anymore as it isn't fair on my toddler.say form. 1st Sept onwards if she isn't at school then they will have to find alternatives eg paid for or between them.

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