How to bond with Step Daughter?

[Bookaholic73]

I’m asking for some help with how I can bond with my step daughter. She is 10.

Since the Step Kids have moved in with us (about a month now) my SD really is having a hard time sharing her Dad with me, and accepting me.

We had a reasonable relationship before they moved in, but her jealousy has always been incredibly obvious.

The other 2 SC and me get on well, but I think it’s because they are boys. I think SD thinks I am replacing her (in her Dads eyes).

She sees her mum once a week on Skype, as she moved away as soon as the SC moved in with us.

We have done everything to try and help her, and I would love to have a close relationship with her.

Any suggestions on how to help her, and to help us bond?

[sleepismysuperpower1]

could you have a day out, just you and her? ask her what she would like to do, and make a day of it? then maybe over a coffee or dinner you could explain that you are excited to spend more time with her x

[Bookaholic73]

@sleepismysuperpower1 I’ve tried asking her if she’s like to do that, but she won’t.
I’ve tried inviting her out to do activities of her choice, but she won’t go.

[Bookaholic73]

Anyone else?

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Does she have days out separately with her df

[Maltay]

I have 3 SD and the guaranteed thing that works is to gang up on Daddy! Depends how old she is? We would do things like hold our eyes open for ages so they became teary and we'd pretend to cry, or put creepy dolls in his bed and try and scare him. It gets you on their team and they get to be a tiny bit naughty!

[stuffedpeppers]

It has been a month - that is not time - she ahs moved, lost her Mum and now has to deal with a different dynamic. Some kids take longer to adjust

[HostofDaffodils]

I'm a stepmother. I would wait. I think it's like cats who don't come to people who keep trying to attract them. Just be polite and friendly and give her time.

Think about it. If your parents split, you wouldn't necessarily want to get really matey with their new girlfriends or boyfriends. But if the relationship was a lasting one you'd probably get used to them in time.

Don't try to bond. Just aim for a bit of civility and a kind of gradual grudging acceptance.

[HoneyWheeler]

I think the fact that you are asking this shows that you're a lovely step mum!

I do agree with pp though that it is still early days and she is likely going to need a lot more time to adjust to the huge change. She is probably feeling quite conflicted - and that she might be being disloyal to her Mum if she is close to you. It's not true, of course, but she is young and the emotions are strong and confusing

My advice would be just to keep things ticking along. Try not to push her into spending too much time - it is likely to have the reverse effect of what you intend! She probably needs to spend a lot of 1:1 time with her Dad too, if that's possible, just to reinforce the attachment there.

She will come round in time! Hope it gets better soon

[Phwooooar]

I have one who is 26 and and doesn’t live with us but still makes it clear that she only wants to be with/see her father...

[saraclara]

Its way too early to push things. She's lost her mum and is having to share her dad. That's massive for a ten year old.

I agree with the person who said 'think cat'. Let her get used to you and come to you when she's ready.

[HostofDaffodils]

I'd recommend the books 'Step by Wicked Step' and 'Goggle Eyes' by Anne Fine. For you, not your stepdaughter. They've got very good insight into the way children try to cope with their world being turned upside down.

[SummerInTheVillage]

Just treat her exactly the same way as you do the others. Don't make a big fuss of her just treat her normally.

She will either come round or she won't but don't get sucked into dancing attendance around her. Remember you're the boss and she's the kid.

[swingofthings]

I agree, you sound like a lovely SM. Time will bring her close to you, probably closer than the boys, it is just taking longer.

[username302020]

Give her space and time. Things won't happen overnight. be kind and patient without being too pushy. Listen and ask for her opinions

[Bookaholic73]

@Snappedandfarted2019 yes they all regularly get 1 on 1 time with their Dad.

@HostofDaffodils thank you for the tips. Yes I think I may be trying too hard. I’ll back off and let her get used to living here.

Thank you @HoneyWheeler, I really am trying. Maybe too hard. I’ll do the cat thing and hope she comes around.

[jimmyjab]

Definitely agree with Maltay here. I've got two SD's and I met them when they were 9 & 10. Mostly I let them come to me and didn't try to force anything. I also do my own thing some evenings to make sure they have alone time with him. I think it's really important they have that, you could even say thursdays are daddy/daughter nights and you do something with the other children to strengthen that bond.

I've got to say though the thing that definitely worked the best was ganging up on daddy! They still love it now at 14 & 15. Dh doesn't mind either cos he likes that we are close.