This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Am I being unreasonable?(151 Posts)
I need somewhere to rant.
My partner and I have a soon to be 1 year old.
He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’. She lives with her mum 4 hours away.
My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
It doesn’t sound like much or often and I understand the importance of my partner seeing his daughter however, my partner works away all week, he’s home at weekends if work is going fine, sometimes he has to work weekends too (construction manager, time constraints etc)
I don’t get any help from family as my mum fosters 5 children, the only break I get is to have a wee on my own when my partners home.
With my partner working so much, we haven’t been seeing his daughter every month, maybe every other month.
My partners Mum keeps getting annoyed by this.
We’re trying for another baby and the stress of it all is really getting me down.
It’s an 8 hour round trip if traffic is good, there and back on the Sunday. The mum doesn’t work and doesn’t drive so there’s no option of her meeting us half way.
I would drive whilst my partners at work but it’s not fair on my son to be in the car for that length of time.
Am I being unreasonable to think that once a month is a bit much... If we lived round the corner it would be different but it feels as if we’re constantly having to stop and start.
We tried a few weekends where we all went up in the car and stayed in a hotel but having a baby it’s so disruptive.
My partners daughter won’t share with my son when playing. She has no boundaries set by her mother, bed time is a battle. She shouts at me. Constantly says ‘I just want my mummy and daddy to look after me’. I never rise to it. I understand that all a 5 year old would want.
Even when we’ve driven the hundreds of miles within a few hours she’s saying ‘I want to go to Nana’s’.
I’ve suggested maybe she stays less but more throughout the year. My partner pays child maintenance and supports the mum with anything his daughter needs, he’s a brilliant Dad, it’s just how do we get the balance right. We have our own life and our family time too which rarely happens!
I do understand that it’s hard for you but I do think you’re being unreasonable. Your step daughter didn’t choose for you to have a baby and she shouldn’t then see less of her dad because of choices he’s made which he must have known would have an impact on her otherwise he’s essentially choosing your child over his first child which isn’t fair.
Can you not all stay at his mums when you go to? My DSD lives 3 hours away and we do every other weekend with the help of his parents. If it was just us doing the journey that I imagine we’d do once a month as an absolute minimum quite reluctantly.
I’m genuinely not trying to be horrible here as like I said I understand how difficult it is as I was in the same situation with my partner where he worked away all week and it was just me during my DDs first year but as I said that’s not his daughters fault.
She’s his daughter. You shouldn’t have had a child with someone who was already a dad if you weren’t prepared to deal with it. Your partner is not a brilliant dad. He should not work the weekends he’s seeing his daughter, she should be a priority. Maybe if he made more of an effort with her, she’d feel happier to be with you all and behave better.
He’s not a brilliant dad If he’s going along with you not wanting to spend time with his daughter and at the same time planning another kid
Why on earth are you trying for another baby when you can't even look after the children in your family already. And yes, I do include your partner's daughter as being part of your family.
One weekend a month is the absolute bare minimum your dp should be seeing his daughter.
Paying over money isn't enough.
Our own life and family says it all really
If you split up will you resent him seeing your dc too?
If you can't wee with 1 dc please don't have another one....
I had 3 under 3 and no dh....
Managed not to wet myself...
You sound awful!!! Wow that poor 5 year old. Why can't your husband go on his own every other wknd and stay in a hotel and see her? Spend some quality time together. His daughter clearly doesn't need or want you there, not surprising considering how you treat her, so just stay home. And obviously DO NOT have a second baby.
Sorry OP - but you're being terribly naive. Your partner is letting his little girl down. He'll never get the time back which he is missing with her.. You both need to find a way to facilitate contact so that he has time with his daughter.
I'm pleased to hear his mother is not letting this slide! She will be one concerned grandmother...
I say this as a step mum of two children (with a baby and a little girl.) It's hard to juggle everything but all children need to be treated as equally as possible and given regular contact with their parents. I hope you find a way to do so.
Take a minute and think how this little girl feels? Barely seeing her dad and as she gets older she’ll see her dad carried on having kids whilst pushing her away. Would you like this done to the kids you’re having with him?
You both sound selfish and you should be encouraging a relationship with his DD, you really don’t come across well here.
I should have added, kudos to the grandmother who is picking up the parenting where her dad is failing
Wow! You think he's a brilliant dad and yet here you are complaining that he has to see his dd once a month. Once a bloody month! Why is his mother having her? Does she live near the child? If so can't he go and stay with his mum for his access weekends and see his dd there? No need for you and baby to go if you think it's too much hassle.
You are being massively unreasonable!!
Your partner's mum has to insist that he see his own child? Every month is too much? Wow. Does he at least pay child maintenance?
You sound unbelievably selfish and as if you wish his daughter wasn't here. Guess what, she is. You should be encouraging him to spend time with her not actively persuade him not to and have another baby ffs!!
Poor little girl. She is your family - why don't you see that?
If you can't manage once a month (and I appreciate it's a long way away) then how about having her one or two weeks in every holidays? Then it's quality time spent together.
And yes you shouldn't really be trying for another baby when you can't manage to see the two you already have
I really hope your post isn’t genuine.
Just in case it is, that poor little girl. Why did you decide to have a child with this man who is not a brilliant father? And why why why would you want to have another child especially when you are making it very clear that you cannot cope.
Poor little girl.
How on earth can you suggest he sees less of her?
1 weekend a month and you think that's being a brilliant dad? And you want to reduce it to once every couple of months?
The grandmother is right, the pair of you are disgraceful. That poor little girls.
Spending less time with her shouldn't be the first solution you consider. Once a month is hardly anything to see his child. He should be seeing her more often if anything.
Why does he work away all week and some weekends? It sounds like the first change to consider should be he works closer to home.
If he can't manage to see his 2 existing children enough then I don't think having a third is a good idea.
That poor little girl
Why you are trying to bring another child into this is beyond me. Your partner is ill equipped to be a father, he can't even prioritise his daughter over work. And you sound quite selfish.
As responsible adults you should be doing everything in your power to make it work with your partners' child so that she is brought up feeling loved and wanted, not just some nuisance.
For the record, I meant it in jest that the only 'break' I get is having a wee on my own.
Why can't we have more children, just because he has a daughter already. Why deprive my son of having siblings who live with him?
I cope just fine with my little boy thank you very much. He's still breastfed, happy as anything.
She does enjoy being at our house. It's just the occasion. Like I said I was having a RANT, you've all been pretty nasty with your replies!
My partner has a very demanding job!! His job means that I can stay home with our son.
I said I understand the importance of seeing her of course which is why I suggested maybe we have her for longer periods, for example in the holidays etc.
And whoever said to leave me at home, we're all a family, why leave my son out of time he could be spending with his sister!? And time my son could be having with his dad!
Poor little girl. Seeing her dad once a month is appalling. I hope for your child's sake, if you split up, his dad makes more of effort to see him.
He sees his child 12 times a year-less when he cancels, and you begrudge this! There are no words. There is also no way he should be having more children in these circumstances.
Deary me, you are unreasonable. Your son has a right to siblings? He has a sister that you seem determined to push out. Imagine a few kids down the line you split up, how will you feel when the ‘brilliant dad’ only turns up once every few months but goes on to have more kids?
Nobody is being nasty they are giving you the benefit of experience.
This poor little girl. Why on earth did you get with someone and have a child with them if you cannot accept already existing children. You sound very, very selfish.
My partner had a child when I met him. We've since got her full time as her mother was struggling to manage. I actually have her more often than my own two eldest children. She sees her Mum once a month whereas my children see their dad every weekend.
I accepted my partners daughter Just as he accepted my children. If We couldn't do that there was no point us being together.
Don't go with your partner and let him stay with his mother, that way it's fine for your little one.
Would you be happy to see your daughter once a month?
Your MIL is trying to kept her GD in contact with her father. Seems sensible. She shouldn’t have to insist. Once a month is nothing. You suggesting you reduce it even further is appalling.
I imagine you’ll do it anyway but since you asked, it’s not okay at all. The manner of this little girl’s conception doesn’t make her less deserving of a meaningful relationship with her dad than your baby is.
If the issue is his working hours then you need to both address that. Cutting contact down to 6 times a year is absolutely pitiful, he may as well not bother, which I expect is what you’re hoping for... Not the attitude or actions of decent parents.